Y Kant I Listen to Tori? Or Kan I?

By the way, the opening title is an ubergeek reference to Tori Amos' original album, Y Kant Tori Read. Oh yeah, I'm a know-it-all like that.

I wonder if womyn such as Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco would be okay with the fact that I have some of their music. I don't have a full Ani DiFranco album, but I do have a full Tori one, and I hope that they want men to listen to their music.

Sometimes, I feel like it sure the hell wasn't written for my ears... But it's neat stuff. I mean, who else would cover Eminem like Tori does? WhEEEeeeee.... look at mama...

Evil shit, man. Chilling, sweet.

I'm sure neither of them like to be referred to as "feminists". I think the term is considered to be very yesterday. Like, totally 1998. Yep.

What I'm saying in an extreme round-about way is this: I like their shit. It's good.

That's okay with them, right?

Song of the Day: "Bells On" by Sloan. "If you had a funeral, I'd be there with bells on". Heheh. Now that's what I call lyrics.

Link of the Day: http://www.last.fm According to this site, Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco did a duet. A re-recorded version of perhaps Tori's most famous work, "Silent All These Years". Is that true?

Claire

I was put on hold. They told me I would be speaking to Claire shortly.

Claire is an automated voice response dealy.

The machine was so busy, they put me on hold to speak to it.

*Sigh*

Song of the Day: "Who Taught You To Live Like That" by Sloan. Methinks the next 30 days or so will be Sloan songs. A month of Sloan if you will.

Link of the Day: www.oliverbot.com Talk to a robot. I did.

My Battle with Coke... A-Cola.

Friends, it's time I admit something shameful.

Despite what it does to my body, I'm addicted to Coca-Cola.

It all started when I was a young lad, and my drink of choice used to be Orange Co-Op Pop, or Orange Happy Pop. My family and relatives liked the bargain brands, and my allowance of $5 every two weeks would not allow me to buy Orange Crush.

So happily I drank my orange-flavoured beverages, not knowing the dark, soda-soaked future I would spiral into. Sometimes, during special occasions like the Bobtail Picnic (a big gathering of neighbours and friends near the town of Ponoka) I would drink several Pops in one day. Like 6 or 7... It was a sign of things to come.

The years passed, and my taste for adventure kicked in. One time, when we were ordering pizza, I remember there was a big, two-litre bottle of Coca-Cola.

I decided, "fuck orange, I want some of that stuff. I'm a big kid now".

And it started.

The family rules became lax. I noticed that there was always Coca-Cola in the fridge. Sure, sometimes it was Craigmont Cola, or Safeway Select Cola, but it all started to taste the same to me. Delicious.

Soon, I was combining Cola with Doritos. I was out of control: Cool Ranch, Nacho, Zesty Cheese, and I'm sure my breath made me irresistable to the opposite sex...

By the time I reached college, my habit was up to 3 Colas a day: Lunch, after school, and Evening. Sometimes, even more.

I continued this habit well into last year. I had been warned several times by my dentist to "curb the pop" (that's the exact phrase he used every time). But finally, I hit the end of the road.

My dentist said that if I stopped drinking Cola now, I might be able to save my teeth. You see, Cola has Phosphoric Acid in it, and that stuff is a virtual scouring pad on teeth. And wouldn't you know it? So is citric acid... The stuff in Orange Pop/juice/everything...

So here I sit, with a 100% pure juice, no-sugar-added, carbonated with "Refreshe" drink consisting mainly of Cranberry juice and grape juice, the non-citric kind-of-tasty-if-you-shut-off-your-brain flavours that are safe for me to drink.

And I still find myself missing Cola.

Link of the Day: http://www.killercoke.org Whoa, I didn't know this stuff persay... True? False? You be the judge.

Song of the Day: "Shadows Fall" by The Coral. Remember a time when all you had to say to prove that your were cool was "I'm into the Coral"? It worked in and around 2004-05. Really, it did. Give it a little listen at www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

I've Got an Idea For Your Weekend

... And it starts with your friday night. You don't have plans yet, right? Good.

Here's what www.rapidfiretheatre.com says you should do:

"The new season at THEATRESPORTS opens FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 at 11 PM. Same time, same place (Varscona Theatre, 10329-83 Ave), THAT date.

RFT’s CHiMPROV season begins the day after, SEPTEMBER 23, with the troupes GIANT ROBOT and YOUNG GUNS!"

So for all my buddies who always somehow find an excuse not to come (my tummy hurts, I'm tired... I'M ONLY 4!! I live in another province!), now is your chance to redeem yourselves.

The King is Dead (or he resigned, I don't remember)

So it has come to pass that King Ralph can go out undefeated.

And that pisses me off.

Okay, so a lot of my friends, relatives, and even my own bosses love him, so who cares what I think, right? Good. Then it's agreed. Everything I say from here forward should not make anyone upset, because all you Klein-lovers can have a big party knowing that you won.

And Alberta lost.

I'm not going to examine the title "King" for too long, other than it describes him perfectly: A ruler with unlimited power.

Who else would offer 10 billion (yes, billion) dollars to any person from Japan during the mad cow crisis (if they got sick from Alberta beef)? Oh yeah, but Klein supporters know that our government has a very limited budget, and that any money cut from health care, social programs, and pretty much anything to do with a cleaner environment is totally reasonable because "There Is...No...More...Money".

Our poor, poor province couldn't possibly put more money into those programs. After all, he never truly intended on shelling out during that beef thingie. That was just to prove a point. He wouldn't have to fork the money over, because nobody would get sick from the beef.

Thanks Pee Wee Herman in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", you gave Ralph Klein an idea; putting up money that never has to be rewarded. But guess what? We probably could have done it.

But then we wouldn't have a lot of money to throw at people when we went through homeless shelters, now would we?

To get through everything he's done would make this a 10-part series.... Shutting the door on same-sex marriage, blatant descrimination on every level, problem drinking... well, maybe I shouldn't be too judgemental on that last one, but come on. He's supposed to be our Premier.

But the dream for Conservatives is soon over in Alberta. Even a new Conservative could never fill those shoes.

Bye now.

A Light Touch With Reality

Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of traveling at the speed of light... Or at least since, like, 100 years ago and stuff.

I think it can be done.

Somebody told me recently that it was impossible. But Jiminy Cricket said "nothing's impossible", and he's got issues with lying, so I don't think he'd lie about that.

Now, here's the scoop: Attempting to get the body to travel the speed of light through any traditional/cartoonish means (super-slingshot, rocket, sitting by your mama's bum) would not be the way to go. To use an overused phrase, we must think outside the box.

We must solidify light.

If we solidified light, we could use it as our propulsion system. Simply place ourselves in it's path, and ZOOM!! It's a go.

Now, I realize the human body probably cannot withstand the breakneck, breakspine, and liquefy-eyes-speed of light. Therefore, we must invent a Human Turtle Shell, Or Hurtleshell, as I'm calling the prototype. And we'll need some goggles.

Also, we'll need some sort of vehicle to sit in on our magical journey. I'm thinking a hollowed-out shell of a DeLorean would do. It's wedge-shaped enough, and makes a cheeky reference to a certain awesome trilogy...

We would have to strengthen the DeLorean slightly with some sort of something... I don't know yet. But that's the fun of flying by the seat of your pants... Uh, I mean, seat of your modified DMC-mobile.

Now, the real question to all this creativity is way back at the beginning: How do we solidify light? I'll take suggestions, but I'm thinking liquid acrylic would do. Surely, pouring a gigantic bucket of liquid acrylic in front of a 1,000,000 watt lightbulb might have some effect, perhaps solidifying and stretching the liquid and turning it into resin as it zips across the prairies.

Okay, so technically, that wouldn't be solidifying light. Sue me.

At least I've got a plan.

Song of the Day (week): "We Don't Care" by Dan Bryk. I am really a big fan of this dude. And he put a little comment on me ol' myspace last week. Shut up. It might actually be him. Or at least I can fantasize that it was... Give it a listen: www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Link of the Day: http://www.delorean.com/ Sweet.

...And Scene. Picture me waving my hands downwards in an "end-of-scene" style... Picture the lights going down.

Yes, even though it's "scene" for the Prospect Jam, it's "go" for the new season on September 22.

It's been decided that P-Jam is gonna take a rest. Maybe it will rest for many moons. Maybe it will rest forever, and I think we should all be okay with that.

For those who are kind of pissed, don't be. I'll miss you all being in my life every Sunday, but now you can check out some of the wicked alternatives to P-Jam.

You just have to find them for yourselves... and of course, RFT still offers the best workshops in town.

I think we should have an Irish Wake for the P-Jam. For those who don't know what that is, it's a drunken party celebrating the departure of a friend. 'Twill be sweet.

Shall we name a time and place?

Thinking About Billy Van

I was flipping.

Not out, the channels.

And then I saw a familiar face.

It was Billy Van, performing on "The Hilarious House of Frightenstein". Some of you might remember this show, but mostly from it's 80's syndication on CBC. Or it's 90's run on YTV. Or it's current airings on Space TV.

Wherever you might have seen this show, one thing can be agreed on for sure: This dude is... something. Well, this dude was something. Word is he died in 2003. May he rest in peace.

I mean, he did a whole show pretty much by himself. He played practically every character. And he could barely decide what sort of show he was doing. At times, it seemed like a children's show (what with the "Pet Vet" character and "The Count" bits, with his wacky inventions). At other times, it was obviously a show for adults (with the hilarious Oracle and messed-up Grizelda).

Man if you haven't seen this show, give it a shot. Low budget fun. Music videos with Igor (played by Fishka Rais, the really freaky fat dude from cult classic "Cannibal Girls"... I believe he was calling himself Kingfish by then), Occasionally wickedly low-budget bits starring Mitch Markowitz as a wise-cracking Mosquito and a hard-to-describe bit where he played Superman revamped as "Superhippie", and here's the part that made it truly awesome:

Ready for it?

Vincent Price!

Seriously, Vincent Price was the Host/Narrator. For the most part, he just recited poetry in that delightful voice with his piercing stare...

Billy Van pressed on with his career, on every show you could possibly name that wasn't very good in the 70's and 80's. Here's an abbreviated list:

The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour
The Bobby Vinton Show
The Sonny and Cher Show (holy crap, they did it again??)
Circus
Bizarre

and of course, being a Canadian,

The Littlest Hobo.

This man had a dedication to sketch comedy unmatched in my estimation. May he continue to be re-shown on a different fledgling station for many generations to come.

Link of the Day: http://www.frightenstein.com/

Song of the Day: "Last Regrets" by Redfish. Saw them once at Urban Lounge. Very much enjoyed the show. Reminded me of Canadian Rock... Could be because they're Canadian. I added it to www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Hasseling Hasselhoff

So, I'm listening to Sonic the other morning. A fellow states something similar to this:

"One of my heroes is David Hasselhoff. Anyone who can rock Germany that hard is okay in my books."

Or something like that.

I'm like, damn. There is no way there is one scrap of truth to those rumors. I've been hearing about them since High School. People always saying that Hasselhoff is bigger than Elvis in Germany. It never made a lick of sense to me. So finally, I looked it up.

And my mouth was shut.

I guess K.I.T.T.'s bitch really did have some hits in Europe. But the legend is slightly bloated. Yeah, he's got hits, but he's like Europe's Michael Bolton... Or, perhaps more accurately, Tom Jones. It's not as if 15-year-old German teens are screaming for him to have their babies.

Their 44-year-old mothers are.

And even though many websites contest he has "great success" throughout Europe, I can't find any proof of chart positions for his albums or singles. If anyone does, post the link in the comments.

Link of the Day: http://www.esquilax.com/baywatch/ I guess Mitch made someone a little jealous...

Song of the Day: "Unity" by 311. Rap Rock pioneers, they were. When the Red Hot Chili Peppers were the only ones doing this (okay, maybe Beastie Boys too).

An Ode to the Future.

Mr. David Bakker.

That's right, I'm talking to you, Mulder 007. The rest of you, please read on. Just understand that you're sitting at the table next to us at the Elephant and Castle, bystanders for our plans of self-destruction.

Okay, they're my plans for self-destruction, David just has to agree to them.

First, we're going to order a pitcher. Something dark. A beer-flavoured beer. Let's say, considering it's their motto, a Big Rock Traditional Ale. I prefer to call it "Trad".

Then, we're going to order another pitcher. We'll ask Darlene to change the music.

Then, we're going to find a club.

Not too surprisingly, it'll be Suite 69. Yep. A good place with music from all genres and ages. Not just for 70's and 80's anymore, you are just as likely to hear "Du Hast" as you are to hear "Do the Hustle".

Then, we're going to dance. Not with each other, near each other. To something by Daft Punk. Like two peacocks fanning their feathers, but imagine that in a less drag-queen like comparison. More like... uh...

Two bulls showing off their nose rings.
Two Eagles comparing bald heads.
Two Rig Pigs comparing scars.

Then, we're going to order another pitcher. I will request "No Diggity" by Blackstreet. Because I'll be a little hammered.

I'll then order two shooters. I'll accidentally drink them both. I'll buy two more, and give them to you.

We're going to find you the sweetest, finest, most intelligent, music-savvy, soft-skinned and pouty-lipped woman there, and she's going to fall in love with you... Or she'll slap you. One or the other. We really won't care.

Because we'll be wasted.

Happy Birthday, D. Let's tear this town a new A.

Song of the Day: "No Diggity" by Blackstreet. Listen up here: www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Link of the Day: www.myspace.com/gallbrendan
Dedicated readers will figure out why this link is the link of the day. Go on, read about him.