Setting: Bedside, mimed.
Scene 4 (Distortion)
Empty stage
Shawn: She didn’t
get out of bed that morning. When it was quiet in the house, and Mom was in it,
it wasn’t a good thing. I thought to myself, “Leave her alone, she’ll get up
when she’s ready, she doesn’t need you in there bothering her.” So I waited.
I remember coming to the doorway of Mom and Dad’s room. She
looked like she was sleeping. I thought I’d go up and just put my hand on her
shoulder, like I sometimes did, and give her a little pat, maybe a little
shake, and see if she wanted to come downstairs. So, I walked up to the bed,
and sat down on the corner, I put my hand down to lean in closer so I could gently
wake her, but I noticed where I had put my hand down, the bed was wet.
I was immediately certain of what was happening. She was
doing it again.
Mom, I’m scared. What did you do?
She moaned a little.
Mom, did you take something?
She faintly nodded her head.
Mom. Was it pills?
She nodded again.
Mom, I’m scared. Is it okay if I call an ambulance?
She nodded.
I asked her permission. I asked her if I could call an
ambulance. To this day, I don’t know what I would have done if she had shook
her head “no”. I ask myself, would I have said “Well, I’m calling one anyway.”
Or, would I have let it happen, right then and there. And
what sort of son am I then? I’ve never had someone’s life in my hands until
that day. This was absolute – black and white. And I was finally the witness to
it. But it wasn’t the first time.
Maybe we were all overwhelmed by a constant feeling of
failure in that house. Even if something
good happened in my life, I was only happy because I wasn’t adding to the
chaos, not for what I was accomplishing. All I was thinking about was the next
time, and how I could make her happy so it wouldn’t happen again.
Or… sometimes… I
wasn’t thinking about her at all.
Maybe I spent a lot of time being as selfish as humanly
possible. I wanted to be away from there, so I spent my time on the
extra-curricular…optional things… and not being there. I should have been there
for her when she needed me the most. Instead, I was out there, messing around
with my friends, fooling around with girls, ignoring what was going on, like an
idiot.
I hold myself responsible. I should have kept myself to a
higher standard. That’s how I felt.
