Insider and Outsider?

Okay. Here Goes.

I gots ta be true to what I want this 'blog to be all about.

I'll admit it, to the 2 of the 30-odd people in the group that I haven't admitted this to already; I am still in AWE of all of you. I am still the wide-eyed, nervous little man that I was the first day I joined. I don't mean to excuse my behaviour, just to explain it. By that, I mean that I still have gi-normous difficulty having basic social interactions with improv genii(?)... er, geniuses. And believe me, you have to be one to stick in RFT.

Aha. That's what I do all the time! You see that up there? I didn't mean to selfishly refer to myself as an improv genius. I meant everyone else. Yet, I don't mean to give myself a pity party by saying I'm not. 85% of my interactions within the group go something like that: I look unjustifiably snobby, like I don't know what I'm doing, or like I'm trying to get attention. Dammit. I also realize some people who used to think everything was cool in Shawnville might be totally baffled by what I'm even trying to explain. But I can't help it, it's in the back of my mind, and I want the grimy little goblin-thoughts to go away.

Look, point being, I'll get better. It may take me years, but I'm gonna find a way to control the shit that comes out of my mouth. I'm nervous as hell, and love you all. It's like I've got 35 girlfriends who are way too cool for me and I don't want them to dump me. It stinks of desperation, but it's true. It's not wise to admit, but it's true.

I don't want pity. I may or may not be an asshole. I just need to change that fanboy love into admiration, so I can move past this and be me. Yes, I am an insider. I'm in the cast. Yes, I am an outsider. I make myself that every week. See above for symptoms and cure.

Whew. Scene.