Scene 8: Downstairs

I went downstairs in what was now just my Dad's house a few days later. Nobody was home that day.

Not that long ago, it was all of our house. My Dad, my Mom, my sister, but now, just Dad... I used to spend a lot of time in the basement, it was kind of a place that only I went to most of the time.

There was still nothing so far. The only reaction I really had was right when I found out. I had let my close friends know what had happened, but there wasn't a lot of emotion... I just told them about it, and said if they wanted to come to the funeral when it was, but no pressure, I didn't want them to go out of their way or anything.

But I didn't really feel anything, and  I hated myself for that.

So, I forced myself.

I pushed myself to be normal, to be human and respond.

I went into the bathroom, and into the shower. All alone downstairs. I didn't take my clothes off or anything, but I did turn off the lights. Downstairs, I could make it completely dark if I wanted to. I didn't have to have anything distract me or make me think of something else.

I could just lay down inside the shower and try to be normal, and try to be human.

And I called to her.

"Mom?... Mom?"

And I got louder and louder. I got so loud I thought she would respond for sure. When I'm in the dark, I sometimes try to time travel, like it's possible this is all a dream, and I'm just waking up, and she'll be not in the hospital, not being taken away in an ambulance, not sad, not anything, just there.

I shouted louder and louder. "MOM?... MOM??" but she didn't answer. And that made me angry.

You ever heard about John Lennon, talking about Primal Therapy? Primal scream? All I could remember about it was that it might be a way, maybe a way to get whatever I was repressing out, get me out of my head and maybe find it in my body somewhere. I felt fucking ridiculous, but I gave it a try.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT? CAN'T YOU SEE? I WAS JUST ABOUT TO MAKE IT! YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN HERE AND YOU WOULD HAVE SEEN IT. SO WHY?... WHY?... NOW YOU'LL NEVER SEE WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, AND WHAT I'M GOING TO BE! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW AND BE PROUD! WHY DIDN'T YOU WANT TO SEE THAT? WHY??"

And I felt a little better.

And it might have been the shouting, and it might have been the rage, but it was almost like I was feeling something. Maybe I'm human after all.