Scene 4

Setting: Bedside, mimed.

Scene 4 (Distortion)

Empty stage

Shawn: She didn’t get out of bed that morning. When it was quiet in the house, and Mom was in it, it wasn’t a good thing. I thought to myself, “Leave her alone, she’ll get up when she’s ready, she doesn’t need you in there bothering her.” So I waited.

I remember coming to the doorway of Mom and Dad’s room. She looked like she was sleeping. I thought I’d go up and just put my hand on her shoulder, like I sometimes did, and give her a little pat, maybe a little shake, and see if she wanted to come downstairs. So, I walked up to the bed, and sat down on the corner, I put my hand down to lean in closer so I could gently wake her, but I noticed where I had put my hand down, the bed was wet.

I was immediately certain of what was happening. She was doing it again.

Mom, I’m scared. What did you do?

She moaned a little.

Mom, did you take something?

She faintly nodded her head.

Mom. Was it pills?

She nodded again.

Mom, I’m scared. Is it okay if I call an ambulance?

She nodded.

I asked her permission. I asked her if I could call an ambulance. To this day, I don’t know what I would have done if she had shook her head “no”. I ask myself, would I have said “Well, I’m calling one anyway.”

Or, would I have let it happen, right then and there. And what sort of son am I then? I’ve never had someone’s life in my hands until that day. This was absolute – black and white. And I was finally the witness to it. But it wasn’t the first time.

Maybe we were all overwhelmed by a constant feeling of failure in that house.  Even if something good happened in my life, I was only happy because I wasn’t adding to the chaos, not for what I was accomplishing. All I was thinking about was the next time, and how I could make her happy so it wouldn’t happen again.

Or… sometimes…  I wasn’t thinking about her at all.

Maybe I spent a lot of time being as selfish as humanly possible. I wanted to be away from there, so I spent my time on the extra-curricular…optional things… and not being there. I should have been there for her when she needed me the most. Instead, I was out there, messing around with my friends, fooling around with girls, ignoring what was going on, like an idiot.

I hold myself responsible. I should have kept myself to a higher standard. That’s how I felt.

Scene 3

Setting: Empty stage, desk.

Scene 3

A desk and chair, possibly elevated, at the back(or on one side) of the stage. A commentator (possibly based on Rod Phillips, but likely will be a more generic characterization) sits behind the desk, calling a particularly lackluster Oilers game.

Commentator: … We’re not seeing a strong performance by the Edmonton Oilers. Down 4 – 2, and the crowd has been silenced. I have to say, it looks like they’re skating uphill out there. Here’s McAmmond working his way into the zone, rips a drive, and it’s high and deflects out of play… They’ll line up for the faceoff, and I have to tell you… There’s one woman here that has not given up on the Oil, she’s been chanting all by herself “Go Oilers Go, Go Oilers GO!!” since that puck went out of play, and it’s really echoing through the Coliseum … you have to love that kind of… uh… dedication, for lack of a better term… I’ve got to say, it’s very determined to say the least, and might be getting this crowd back into it.

Here’s Weight to take the faceoff, he wins it clean and jams it over to Guerin, Guerin whips it over to Smyth on the far side, Smyth slides it back to Mironov at the point, he fakes a shot, back to Smyth, shoots and SCOOORES!! Ryan Smyth from the side of the net, and the Oilers are only down by 1 now; 4 – 3 is the score. This building has come alive – They’re chanting strong in the Coliseum, and the Oilers are going to leave their top line out there. Weight wins the faceoff, he charges into the zone, drops it back to Guerin and he BOOMS a shot and SCOOOOORES!! Bill Guerin, on a seeing- eye pass from Doug Weight, and it’s a 4-4 hockey game! The Oilers might be able to hold on, and keep their playoff dreams alive for one more night, and I’d say it has a little something to do with one die-hard Oiler fan who didn’t know when to quit.

Shawn: I can’t find that game. No matter how many box scores I go through, I can’t find it. I can’t tell you who it was against, or who was really on the ice. I wish I could remember those details. Sometimes, I have a hard time remembering a lot about her. I just have these moments in time that I found really amazing, and then a lot of… blur or haze around all of it. Sometimes, I feel like I’m letting her down, and that she deserves better than that… But I was there. I know it happened. Seeing Mom watching that game: She was quiet, but I could see how she felt about the fans around her.  There was a look in her eyes. A sort of “How dare you give up. We have time!”

And then, she suddenly stood up. Without hesitation, she started all by herself. “Go Oilers go!” towards the ice, over and over again. At first, I sunk down into my seat. “Mom, for the love of god, you’re EMBARASSING me”, was all I could think. If I could have disappeared inside my coat, I think I would have.  But then, she was shouting it to the other fans, turning left and right, leaning and shouting into the crowd “GO OILERS GO! GO OILERS GO!”.  I think people around her started joining in because, well, maybe they were getting into the spirit, or maybe they were a little bit scared that if they didn’t join in, she would NEVER stop.

Either way, it was working. It was a great rallying cry… She was always supporting the underdogs, always helping them win. One time we drove by some striking workers, and she and my Dad were really getting into it over something, but she said to him. “Honk for them!”, and without hesitation, leaned over and started honking the horn while he was driving. Maybe a little too robotically and rhythmically, but they got the point. And that was Mom when she was healthy. You always knew what her opinion was, because she never held back.

The only time I would worry about her was when the self-expression stopped.

Scene 2 (And it only took me half a year to get back at it).

Setting: Empty Stage

SCENE 2

Shawn: Everywhere she went, it was with conviction. I remember in the rare occurrence I saw her at work, where I had to visit for some reason, she was always practically running…. But in a way that was entirely Sheilaesque. She didn’t run like an athlete, or someone just in a hurry, she had a low-to-the-ground, intense, tunnel-vision way of moving. It might take several times to get her attention – “Mom… Mom… MOM… SHEILA!!” – And then she might stop and see you, half embarrassed and half annoyed that you were there. It had nothing to do with you; it’s just that she had a job to do, and nothing was supposed to get in the way. She had to take care of that entire nursing home, at least in her mind, and you were not to interfere.

So you can imagine how deeply convicted she became to stopping that strike. She had gone back to work after raising 2 exhaustingly energetic children, and she was going to use that money from that job to show us the world. We had travelled, sure, but really only to see those breathtaking roadside attractions in the Okanagan… The giant slide at Adventureland, the realistic stills of Bedrock at Flintstone Park, and the awe-inspiring Ogopogo, who I swear I’ve actually seen in the lake at least a dozen times.  Sure, that stuff was great, but she had been to Europe with Dad when they were young, and she wanted to share the amazing stuff we might not be able to afford if it wasn’t for that job. 

So it was up to her. She fought, and she picketed, and she held meetings at the house. She was a fierce competitor, not backing down from anyone… And she didn’t really see those who didn’t see eye-to-eye with her as worthy adversaries. She relentlessly mocked them to their faces and behind their backs, accidentally entertaining the family with her imitations of their voices, walks, and mannerisms, which mostly consisted of stereotypical flouncing, faces, and of course, talking with their tongues sticking out. So no matter whom they were, it was “JANICE DUUUHHFFERSUN” and they all walked the saaaaame… I suppose we should respect each other, but this was the people versus the man, so this was war.

I don’t think it mattered to her who won. What was important is that she and her fellow nurses were heard, their grievances known to the very last detail. That’s what kept her fearless.  That’s what kept her strong.

With You: Scene 1

Setting:

A Board Room at the Alberta Hospital.

SCENE 1

Board Room. Slides of Sheila are projected on the sheet of paper on the wall, one after the other. The Doctor walks up to the sheet with a marker and circles Sheila.

The Doctor: This is the subject: Mrs. Pallier. She has been on Unit 9 since October 22, 1999. We have noticed several behaviour problems, and they can change depending on the environment she is in, and the people that surround her. Mrs. Pallier will speak of depression, anxiety, and suicide primarily when she is given attention by her family members. We are about to embark on a program which will change these  inappropriate behaviours and thoughts for the better, with the cooperation of her family, and all the staff on the unit.

We need to focus on safe, productive topics. These are to be the only thing we are to discuss with Mrs. Pallier. Topics surrounding feeling ill in any way are to be completely ignored. The conversations and visits with the subject are to be re-directed if they steer towards depression and anxiety, and if it is necessary, conversations should be terminated immediately. This strategy must be adhered to.

Any statements about suicide should be treated with the same strategy. In the true case of an attempt, there will be no discussion of the event. She will be treated with appropriate medical care and all parties will not discuss it with the subject.

Mrs. Pallier should, and will through adherence to this program, get as much attention as possible when she displays behaviours that are acceptable. When she speaks of positive, productive subjects, she should be reinforced with much consideration and interest. The optimal way to change her thoughts is to in a very clear way, through staff and family member's actions, communicate that she will be ignored when she is negative, and rewarded when she is positive. She will begin to learn that her behaviour will directly influence whether she is noticed or disregarded.

If you have any questions about the program with the subject, please call and leave a message if necessary.

Bill Gates Does Not Approve of Your Harry Potter Obsession

Note to 21st century geeks: You're doing it wrong. Just conforming to all the nerdy trends doesn't make you a geek. It makes you a follower with no mind or opinion of your own. Find something you like, and don't worry if other people think it's cool. Only then can you truly be a social reject that will create a fantastic thing to make everyone pay for calling you a dork. I'm just trying to help you make your first million.

Nate Ruess Will Not Take Away the Last Shreds of Masculinity you Desperately Cling To.

"He didn't give you gay, did he?" - Homer Simpson, Episode #168 "Homer's Phobia" (1997).

It seems as if some Sonic 102.9 listeners hate fun (and the band called "fun."). Well, at least a small pocket of Tapout-wearing, white-sunglass-faced lovers of all things douche, probably. The thing is, it seems as soon as a band becomes famous, they are bound to experience backlash (I won't even get into why people like this would listen to a station like Sonic).

So, as per usual, we all profess to hate all things popular with no explanation given (or necessary, I suppose). However, I think the reason most people give them a tough time is this: They look/sound/seem "gay".

Yep, it turns out in our ass-backwards, chicken-shit society, we can hide behind fake names on Facebook and pretty much say any ignorant thing we want these days. Heaven forbid a band or a group of people (for the sake of the UFC crowd, I will refer to these people as "hipsters") doesn't fit into your ultra-masculine stereotypes.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out overcompensation to battle the "gay". It can be done in 10 easy steps:

1. Buy a truck, and remove the muffler, and jack the tires up.
2. Buy a pair of white Oakley sunglasses.
3. Wear only brands that refer to MMA, Racing, Chop Shops, or Tattoos.
4. Be as racist as modern society now allows (this is limitless somehow as of 2001).
5. Talk about American sports all day. Try and name-drop athletes only by their nicknames.
6. Be as aggressive to strangers as possible. Typically, do this behind the wheel of step 1.
7. Blame all your irrational rage on others and mutter "I need a fuckin' cigarette" at least 3 times a day.
8. Tell everyone via social media how much you hate things that don't involve steps 1-7.
9. Gather together in groups of clones of yourself every weekend and talk about or watch things involving steps 1, 3, 4, and 5, and at 2 AM walk down the street drunkenly re-enacting step 6 (a little more punchy now), and then mutter step 7.
10. The most important step: Hate everything "gay" and remind your "not gay" friends that you still hate "gay" things by obsessively talking about "gay" things and how much you hate them.

There. Now you'll fit in. You're welcome.

In Regards to the Ego Yet Again.

Ah, the wondrous return of the blog to what it's supposed to be - a diary that other people can read, but most likely will not.

At one time, I had a well-read blog. It attracted a lot of attention and views. In fact, it was this one. And then came Facebook and Twitter. Also known as the death of the personal blog.

Blogs still have a place in the world - If someone has a business or hobby that they want to share pointers on, or try to get a few more clients, it's perfect for them... As far as a sad little corner for people to whine about their personal lives go, alas, this is more of a Facebook thing now, and can be limited to much shorter entries.

But sometimes, personal life-whining needs more space to stretch it's legs.

I've been doing Improv on stage since 1994. I've pretty much been doing it every year since then, and I still do it almost once a week. Hell, a few years ago, I did it 3 times a week. Seriously.

So it it really my ego that gets in the way of criticism? Can you still tell me that now? I suppose you can, but you'd be wrong.

I've taken criticism from everyone - From teachers, mentors, theatre gurus, theatre rookies, random adults, college and university kids, teens, and children. I've got everything from where I need to improve to more or less "I hate what you do". And I take it with a smile on my face and I listen.

But would it kill some people to give me a little respect now and then?

I'm really happy that the group I'm with now, Tales From the Improv Zone, is totally supportive. They continue to give me pointers, but also let me put in my two cents. Some even are very flattering in their comments (cough... Chad), and that gives them permission, in my opinion, to be blunt with me when there's something I need to work on.

Most other people out there have one or two nice things to say, but rather infrequently about my abilities. It's more about my great attitude and sticktoitiveness. Hell, I'd argue the whole thing about me having a good attitude or not with anyone, so I take that with a grain of salt.

Still, despite all the efforts I've put in over the years, there are folks out there that just don't have it in them to give me an ounce of credit. And that stings.

I really enjoy helping to develop new talent, young and old. That's my passion. And it's my fate to frequently see them pass me by and become more successful than me. In all my time, I have never had anyone who really went on to good success in the improv world say thank you to me. In fact, they seem to largely ignore me only a mere few months after moving on to greener pastures. And that's a fact. Not that I'm keeping score or anything. Okay. I'm keeping score.

I've watched them do very well for themselves in art, theatre, and music. Some of them (who should be thankful I'm not naming them) asked me personally for my advice. They came to me for pointers specifically and now have a hard time returning a "Hi" when I pass them on the street.

That stinks.

Sour grapes, I'm just jealous, bitter, blah blah. Nope. I'm just feeling sad.

I hope some day the talented people who know how dedicated I was to them (and still would be if they were still pushing to climb the ladder) realize that I very much so care about Edmonton's theatre community. I love seeing them succeed. I'd enjoy still being a friend to those who have done well, and I'd like it if they saw value in me still.

To be honest, I will remain in this community as long as it will have me, and I will continue to support and mentor new talents. If they don't want to hear what I have to say, that's okay, I will leave them alone. But as many people have said to me "Don't ask me for my opinion if you don't want it."

I feel better now.

Lava Lamp: Wheat, Barley, or Wax Ale?

I was fixing up my "office" in the house today... And the black cap from my lava lamp fell off the top.

I discovered underneath a bottle cap holds the liquid in, and it got me to thinking: Am I supposed to drink the 14-year-old liquid inside?

Should I heat it up first? I mean, the wax does need to be melty in order for me to guzzle, right?

And then it said it, right on the lid "Do Not Ingest".

Oh. Mystery solved.

Manifesting my What?

It might surprise some of you to know I actually went to school to become an actor. Maybe I got a little eccentric and full of myself sometimes. Here's my Bio from the program for 1998's "Viewer Discretion", done at Keyano Recital Theatre:

"Manifesting his exigency, Shawn E. Pallier cogitates his existence as an edictor after realizing he has performed as an immoral transvestite twice now at separate Keyano functions. Grasping at dignity, Shawn envisions a hell where maggots eternally digest his rotten body while a dove of death pecks at his heart. I love widdle fuzzy bunnies."

Clever, wasn't I? Clever at opening a thesaurus, no doubt.

On Childish Name-calling... and Billy Bob Dorkton.

Yeah, that's right Billy Bob. If I called you "Billy Bob Dorkton" or "Booby Blob Simpleton", I'd expect you to be pissed right off.

But Oscar-winning screenwriter, actor and director?

I know, I know, what a terrible thing to be called. And maybe Jian did say you'd been "sidetracked" by your Hollywood career, but always intended on music. WAY out of line, Jian... if you could hear my voice, you'd hear the sarcasm.

I've been called plenty of things throughout my endeavors in acting. I've been told I'm not a real actor, I'm not a real director, hell, I've been told I'm not a real writer. I've been told I can't dance, can't sing, and shouldn't "try so hard" and "be so desperate". I've had roommates tell me i "stole their dreams" from them when I was successful. I've been called an egomaniac, selfish, and lazy.

And I've never believed a word of it.

Oh sure, I was hurt. And maybe for a little while, I took a little look at myself. But I always liked what I saw, and tried to improve on the little things and not let anyone stand in my way.

But Billy Bob Thornton. I hope that we are all misunderstanding you, and that something really serious happened in your life that you're not willing to share. And you were waiting for the chance to let all your anger out on someone. Someone who said something, anything, that might be considered offensive to you.

In fact, I forgive you. I was going to rant about what a detached and socially inept void you were. How anyone like you could not realize how incredibly lucky someone like me might think you are, doing everything that you love, making a comfortable financial living, and understanding that the consequence is ironic... You don't deserve to be judged by people like me, but for some reason, the public lives vicariously through the famous, and this kind of thing, the way you treated Jian, is just not acceptable in the public's eye.

You know what? It's not because you're famous that I'm so sickened by the way you feel entitled to treat someone like that. It's that I don't like seeing human beings treat each other that way. I'm sorry that you have to be my example.

As you can tell, I'm having a hard time deciding how you make me feel. I really do hope that you aren't so deluded that you think anyone "deserves" to be treated any particular way because they inadvertently hurt your feelings.

A "magician" once pulled me aside and berated me for spoiling one of his "magical illusions". You want to know how I knew about it? I saw it on Camp Caribou, the public access children's show. CHILDREN'S SHOW. Billy Bob Thornton? To me, you are the "magician" who made his hand turn a 360, and then got mad at someone who knew how it was done... by the way Magic dude, I'm glad we don't bump into each other any more.

Oscar-winning screenwriter, actor and director? I've heard worse.

He could have called you the star of the re-make of "Bad News Bears", the voice of "Hounddog McDog", or he could have said you were on the Marquee of "Manure".

Now that's what I call name-calling.

Creativity and Dreams. Married at last.

Sometimes, you just have to create a fake album cover.

Very cathartic.

I'll just get up here on this Soapbox...

Sonic recently had a Survey, and they asked if I had anything to tell them.

I did.

Consider the level of total music obsession some of your listeners have. I've called in a couple of times to complete disdain from DJs my music requests when it's quite obvious Sonic is considering playing most of those artists (Flaming Lips (other than She Don't Use Jelly), Ben Folds, Matthew Sweet, etc) but aren't too sure how their primarily(? not sure if the following statement is true) 14-22 year old audience would react.

If you play Big Audio Dynamite and Jim Carroll, you must know we're out there. And I think you've lost contact with a lot of us.

Truth moment? I've heard several of my friends don't listen any more. They're tired of some of the over-played stuff that the Bear is playing already (Linkin Park, Three Days Grace, Disturbed, Papa Roach... already heard them before Sonic, would tune into 100.3 if I wanted to hear them). I do understand the quandary though; there is definitely a fan base that would be just as pissed if those bands airtimes were diminished, so I know you can't please everyone. I just had to get that off my chest.

My thought? I know people like me already have Farm Fresh, but I think we deserve another hour. A program that dedicated itself to the geekier side of Modern Rock. For people like me (I know I'm not alone) who own Mates of State albums, who think Vampire Weekend are the greatest thing since sliced bread, who lament the sudden absence or lack of Spoon, Flobots, The Weakerthans and The Dears, and who KNOW Modern Rock pioneers like Morrissey still make new albums, and are totally aware of the Adulty-Modern rock movements including artists like Sharon Jones, Beirut... blah blah blah.

That's what I had to tell you at Sonic. You can all roll your eyes collectively at this one. I know it was a little self-righteous and ranty, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

Your New Year's Resolution? See at Least one of these Every Month: (Yeah, Yeah. This is only part of January. Smartass.):

"The Play About The Baby" (Image Theatre)
Roxy Theatre (10708 124 Street)
Previews January 6 & 7, January 8-18, 2009
Tickets: 780-453-2440 or www.tixonthesquare.com
www.attheroxy.com

"10 Days of Madness Playwriting Festival" (University of Alberta)
TransAlta Arts Barns (24-hour contest: Dinwoodie on the U of A campus)
January 8-17, 2009
Information: Melissa at 780-718-6583
www.bookstore.ualberta.ca

"Monthly STORY CAFE: Laugh Like the Devil" (T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton)
Rosie's Bar and Grill (10475- 80 Ave)
January 8, 2009 @ 7 pm
Tickets: At the Door; Pay What You Will ($6 minimum)
www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales/

"Monthly TELLAROUND" (T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton)
The City Arts Centre (10943 84 Ave)
January 9, 2009 @ 8 pm
Tickets: At the Door; First time free. Subsequent admission $3.
www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales/

"Scorched"(Citadel Theatre)
Rice Theatre (Inside the Citadel: 9828 101A Avenue)
January 10 – February 1, 2009
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or:
www.citadeltheatre.com

"Die-Nasty! Season 18: The French Renovation" (Die-Nasty Improv)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Monday at 8 PM
Tickets: 780-433-3399 (Mailbox #1) or 780-707-7964
www.die-nastyimprov.com

"Theatresports" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Friday at 11pm (RFT Primetime 8 pm on January 9)
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"CHiMPROV" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Saturday except the last of the month at 11pm
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"Oh Susanna!"
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
The last Saturday of the month at 11 pm
Tickets: 780-433-3399
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Peace, Love & Rock N' Roll: And The Beat Goes On!" (Mayfield Dinner Theatre)
Mayfield Inn and Suites (16615 109 Avenue)
November 7, 2008 to February 15, 2009
Tickets: 780-483-4051 or Toll Free 1-877-529-7829, or at: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca

"Pirates of the North Saskatchewan II" (Jubilations Dinner Theatre)
West Edmonton Mall (#2690, 8882 170 Street)
November 6, 2008 to January 24, 2009
Tickets: 780-484-2424 or Toll Free 1-877-214-2424
www.jubilations.ca

Merry Kweznuz: This Week in Theatre

"The Nutcracker" (Alberta Ballet)
Northern Alberta Jubilee Auditorium (11455 87th Avenue)
December 11, 2008 to December 14, 2008
Tickets: 780-428-6839 ext. 1 or www.ticketmaster.ca
www.albertaballet.com

A Christmas Carol: A Dramatized Reading (East of 60 Productions)
Royal Canadian Legion Devon Branch (6 Huron Street, Devon AB)
December 13, 2008 to December 14, 2008
Tickets: 780-987-0912 or 780-987-3356
eastofsixty.com

"Trains fantômes *with english subtitles*" (L'Unitheatre / Théâtre Triangle Vital de Montréal)
La Cite Francophone (8627 91 Street)
December 11, 1008 to December 13, 2008
Tickets: 780-466-1556 or at www.tixonthesquare.com
www.lunitheatre.ca

"Black Hearts in the Green Room" (Walterdale Playhouse)
Walterdale Playhouse (10322 83 Ave)
December 10, 2008 to December 20, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.com
www.walterdaleplayhouse.com

"XXXMas IV: The Re-Gifting" (Mostly Water Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
December 13, 2008
Tickets: available at the door (cash only), and can be reserved at 780-686-5960
www.mostlywatertheatre.com

"Trap Door Party"(MOVE: The Company)
Festival Place (100 Festival Way, Sherwood Park AB)
December 14, 2008
Tickets: 780-449-3378 or:
www.festivalplace.ab.ca

(780) 449-3378
"A Christmas Carol" (Citadel Theatre)
McLab Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
November 28, 2008 to December 23, 2008
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or Toll Free 1-888-425-1820 or at:
www.citadeltheatre.com

"Sailor's Song" (Trunk Theatre)
Roxy Theatre (10708 124 Street)
December 4, 2008 to December 14, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1752 or www.tixonthesquare.com
more information at: www.attheroxy.com

"The V.I.P. Kids Show!" (Varscona Saturday Morning Children's Series)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
December 13, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.com
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Die-Nasty! Season 18: The French Renovation" (Die-Nasty Improv)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Monday at 8 PM
Tickets: 780-433-3399 (Mailbox #1) or 780-707-7964
www.die-nastyimprov.com

"Theatresports" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Friday at 11pm
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"CHiMPROV" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Saturday except the last of the month at 11pm
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"Oh Susanna!"
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
The last Saturday of the month at 11 pm
Tickets: 780-433-3399
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Peace, Love & Rock N' Roll: And The Beat Goes On!" (Mayfield Dinner Theatre)
Mayfield Inn and Suites (16615 109 Avenue)
November 7, 2008 to February 15, 2009
Tickets: 780-483-4051 or Toll Free 1-877-529-7829, or at: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca

"Pirates of the North Saskatchewan II" (Jubilations Dinner Theatre)
West Edmonton Mall (#2690, 8882 170 Street)
November 6, 2008 to January 24, 2009
Tickets: 780-484-2424 or Toll Free 1-877-214-2424
www.jubilations.ca

Theatre This Week & Improv Jam! Thursday December 11, 2008

Not doing anything Thursday, December 11th? Do you like Improv? Do you like free things? Maybe you live in Sherwood Park... Or you don't mind coming out there... Hey, tell me if you need a ride. I've got wheels... Why am I asking you all these questions??

Well, I've got news for you. If you didn't hear all the buzz, There's a new kid near town. "Tales From The Improv Zone", Sherwood Park's Licensed Theatresports Troupe. And they want to see you at Festival Place: www.festivalplace.ab.ca/festivalplace/find.php

Things get under way at 7:00 pm, and if you like it, you can start coming back. And then you'll be addicted. And there's nothing quite like the crack that is improv, I tell you what.

But if that's not your thing, check out all the great things going on this week:

"Seussical" (St. Albert Children's Theatre)
Arden Theatre (St. Albert Place, 5 St. Anne Street, St. Albert, AB)
November 27, 2008 to December 7, 2008
Tickets: 780-459-1542, www.ticketmaster.ca
www.sact.ca

"A Christmas Carol" (Citadel Theatre)
McLab Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
November 28, 2008 to December 23, 2008
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or Toll Free 1-888-425-1820 or at:
www.citadeltheatre.com

"Without You: Studio Theatre World Premiere" (Studio Theatre)
Timms Centre for the Arts (87 Ave & 112 St)
November 27, 2008 to December 6, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca
www.drama.ualberta.ca

"The Blonde, The Brunette and The Vengeful Redhead" (Citadel Theatre)
Shoctor Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
November 15, 2008 to December 7, 2008
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or Toll Free 1-888-425-1820 or at:
www.citadeltheatre.com

"Sailor's Song" (Trunk Theatre)
Roxy Theatre (10708 124 Street)
December 4, 2008 to December 14, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1752 or www.tixonthesquare.com
more information at: www.attheroxy.com

John D. Huston Presents “A Christmas Carol” (Blue Chair Cafe)
Blue Chair Cafe (9624 76 ave)
December 4, 2008
Tickets: 780-989-2861
www.bluechair.ca

"Monthly STORY CAFE: Perfect Gifts" (T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton)
Rosie's Bar and Grill (10475- 80 Ave)
December 4, 2008
Tickets: At the Door; Pay What You Will ($6 minimum)
www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales/

"Little Red Riding Hood" (Alberta Opera Musical Theatre for Young People)
Transalta Arts Barns (10330 84 Avenue)
December 5, 2008 to December 7, 2008
Tickets: 780-409-1910 or www.fringetheatreadventures.ca
ao.newglobemedia.com

Lights Up Presents: "Like the 5 Fingers on your Hand" (Bouge de là Dance Company)
Shell Theatre (8700 84 Street, Fort Saskatchewan AB)
December 5, 2008
Tickets: 780-992-6400, or 780-451-8000 www.ticketmaster.ca
www.bougedela.org

"The V.I.P. Kids Show!" (Varscona Saturday Morning Children's Series)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
December 6, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.com
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Die-Nasty! Season 18: The French Renovation" (Die-Nasty Improv)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Monday at 8 PM
Tickets: 780-433-3399 (Mailbox #1) or 780-707-7964
www.die-nastyimprov.com

"Theatresports" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Friday at 11pm
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"CHiMPROV" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Saturday except the last of the month at 11pm
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"Oh Susanna!"
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
The last Saturday of the month at 11 pm
Tickets: 780-433-3399
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Peace, Love & Rock N' Roll: And The Beat Goes On!" (Mayfield Dinner Theatre)
Mayfield Inn and Suites (16615 109 Avenue)
November 7, 2008 to February 15, 2009
Tickets: 780-483-4051 or Toll Free 1-877-529-7829, or at: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca

"Pirates of the North Saskatchewan II" (Jubilations Dinner Theatre)
West Edmonton Mall (#2690, 8882 170 Street)
November 6, 2008 to January 24, 2009
Tickets: 780-484-2424 or Toll Free 1-877-214-2424
www.jubilations.ca

Curtains Up?

So, I'm thinking about posting theatre events around town again... But I may need some of your help to tell me what I missed and fill in some details. Also, sincere apologies that some of these are late. This is kind of the prototype. As for now:

"Seussical" (St. Albert Children's Theatre)
Arden Theatre (St. Albert Place, 5 St. Anne Street, St. Albert, AB)
November 27, 2008 to December 7, 2008
Tickets: 780-459-1542, www.ticketmaster.ca
www.sact.ca

"Ring Around The Moon" (DR 456 BFA Acting 2nd Year)
Corner Stage (89 Ave and 112 St, Fine Arts Building)
November 27, 2008 to November 30, 2008
Tickets: Those crazy cats don't mention on the internet any way to get tickets... I hope it's a public performance. They actually don't mention what time it runs either... Perhaps a poster or two over at the U of A would clear that up.
www.drama.ualberta.ca

"Village of Idiots" (Victoria School of Performing and Visual Arts)
Eva O. Howard Theatre (Victoria School: 101 St and Kingsway Ave)
November 24, 2008 to November 29, 2008
Tickets: 780-426-3010
www.victoria-school.ca

"Three Little Birds" (Workshop West Theatre)
Catalyst Theatre (8529 Gateway Blvd)
November 20, 2008 to November 30, 2008
Tickets: At the Door or www.tixonthesquare.ca
www.workshopwest.org


"A Christmas Carol" (Citadel Theatre)
McLab Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
November 28, 2008 to December 23, 2008
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or Toll Free 1-888-425-1820 or at:
www.citadeltheatre.com


"The Three Musketeers" (Horizon Players)
Horizon Stage (1001 Calahoo Road, Spruce Grove AB)
November 27, 2008 to November 29, 2008
Tickets: 780-962-8995 or www.horizonstage.com
www.horizonplayers.com

"Chang O: The Lady of the Moon - A Cantonese Opera" (ICPA Edmonton)
Northern Alberta Jubilee Auditorium (11455 87th Avenue)
November 29, 2008
Tickets: 780-451-8000 or www.ticketmaster.ca


"Without You: Studio Theatre World Premiere" (Studio Theatre)
Timms Centre for the Arts (87 Ave & 112 St)
November 27, 2008 to December 6, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca
www.drama.ualberta.ca

"The Blonde, The Brunette and The Vengeful Redhead" (Citadel Theatre)
Shoctor Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
November 15, 2008 to December 7, 2008
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or Toll Free 1-888-425-1820 or at:
www.citadeltheatre.com


"Extremities" (Guts&Guile Productions)
The Third Space (11516 103 Street)
November 21, 2008 to November 30, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

"laFura: World Premiere" (Brian Webb Dance Company)
John L. Haar Theatre (10045 156 Street)
November 28, 2008 to November 29, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca
www.bwdc.ca

"Su-Kat" (Azimuth Theatre)
The Living Room Playhouse (11315 106 Ave)
November 13, 2008 to November 29, 2008
Tickets: 780-454-0583
www.azimuththeatre.com

"Oh Susanna!"
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
The last Saturday of the month at 11 pm
Tickets: Seriously, I don't know. At the door? Try calling Varscona: 780-433-3399
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Peace, Love & Rock N' Roll: And The Beat Goes On!" (Mayfield Dinner Theatre)
Mayfield Inn and Suites (16615 109 Avenue)
November 7, 2008 to February 15, 2009
Tickets: 780-483-4051 or Toll Free 1-877-529-7829, or at: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca

"Pirates of the North Saskatchewan II" (Jubilations Dinner Theatre)
West Edmonton Mall (#2690, 8882 170 Street)
November 6, 2008 to January 24, 2009
Tickets: 780-484-2424 or Toll Free 1-877-214-2424
www.jubilations.ca

She's a Mighty Good Writer

After watching a few "film festival" movies recently, I've come to this conclusion:

Witty and eloquent writing? Excellent.

Witty and eloquent dialogue? Grates on my nerves.

I mean it. I don't mind reading it, I just have a problem hearing it.

Nice getting that off my chest.

MSN's CelebEdge? You're fired.

In a recent MSN's CelebEdge, fun was poked at all those loser celebrities for dressing up in their lame costumes.

Amongst the targets? Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, for dressing up in "Lost Boys" costumes (albeit not top notch, but probably on purpose).

Here's the part that bugs me: The article writer (who wisely does not identify themselves)complains at the way these celebrities aren't even trying, and then goes on to write a completely lazy and non-researched article about it!

Ah, irony.

Here's what the writer says about Corey Feldman's obvious Vampire Slayer costume:

"Corey Feldman
Sin: Dressing Up As Nothing
Committed By: Thinking we'd believe dressing in all black is a costume just because he's holding a sword.
Tip: If you don't have a costume at the last minute, every closet has a hobo just waiting to be thrown together. It's a last resort, but at least it's a costume, unlike velvet pants."

The sword? It's a stake, you boob.

And then there was Corey Haim:

Corey Haim
Sin: Not Dressing Up
Committed By: Wearing street clothes to what is obviously a Halloween-themed event. Infinitely worse than Dressing Up As Nothing.
Tip: Half-ass is better than no ass.

The funny thing is, I've never Seen Lost Boys, and I knew these were Lost Boys costumes. Even Corey Haim's supposed "street clothes" are from that movie.

The moral of the story? Don't complain that everyone is being half-assed when you can't tell your ass from your elbow.

mmkay?

About Sean Cullen; How am I Supposed to Feel?

Apparently, I cannot survive without television.

As I work at my Compy 2000, I tend to watch the Comedy Network on my '80's Samsung 13 inch screen. And who is having his own special today?

Sean Cullen.

Yeah, I know. There should be an accent over the "e" in Sean, but who really gives a flying frick. My point is, as a Canadian, am I supposed to love Sean Cullen by default?

Let's look at the positives: Corky and the Juice Pigs. Very funny, especially "Remember", that REM parody... Awesome.

That's the only positive I can recall.

Let's look at the negatives:
1. The accent. I don't even know what sort of accent that's supposed to be. Pseudo-british?
2. The Food of Your Choice... Some of the worst improv I've ever seen in my life. Seriously.
3. The Costume Changes. Ooo! I'm going to dress up like an old woman and do the EXACT SAME ACT!! Hmmmm...
4. The Jokes. Here, I'll write one right now: "I am feeling old. Old like the slime on the walls of some ancient castle, old like the drool on Grandpa's chin... old... old like the Pope just before he careened into a death pool with all the various things swimming in it, swimming and drowning like oh so many drowning things... With fruits and vegetables being boiled in the deep by some sort of soup chef... a soup chef with a funny hat and a shovel in his ear...".
5. The facial expression. How does he hold that "I'm going to tell you a saucy story" face for as long as he does?

I could go on, but he might read this some day, so I think I'll stop.

But really, I guess I should just be supportive; It's the rare Canadian comedian that becomes an actual celebrity. Sure, he certainly hasn't made it in the states, but here, why he's our Whoopi Goldberg, our Billy Crystal, our comedian-that-isn't-truly-hilarious-but-never-says-anything-offensive-enough-to-worry-about-them-ruining-the-reputation-of-the-station special guest host.

He's mostly harmless. I don't know why I'm picking on him today, other than to pose this question:

Should I learn to love Sean, like a stepbrother that I'm not fond of, but have to live with, or am I allowed to criticize him? You be the judge.

Would You like Fries With Your Olympic Hero?

So McDonald's is putting pictures of Canadian Olympic athletes on their placemats.

I walk back to my table, tray full of guilt, shame, and extreme satisfaction. On it: Cola, freedom fries, and a 1/4 of beef mushed between buns... oh, and an Olympian's smile.

My fries are fresh, so I spill them onto his face, because if I didn't want them to be way too hot. I'm more of a mayonnaise man, so I squirt 3 packets onto his neck. I have a bit of a short break, so I'm slopping a bit of ketchup out of my burger onto his forehead.

20 minutes later, I've cleared my tray. A grease-covered, salty mug with what appears to be a severe head wound beams at me.

So I'd like to apologize to Canadian athletes everywhere. The scene I described will repeat itself until you run/swim/fling yourself around in a circle/hurl yourself through the air using a stick... or all those other crazy things you do... just so you can get a chance to wear some metal around your neck.

Go Canada Go!