Scene 4

Setting: Bedside, mimed.

Scene 4 (Distortion)

Empty stage

Shawn: She didn’t get out of bed that morning. When it was quiet in the house, and Mom was in it, it wasn’t a good thing. I thought to myself, “Leave her alone, she’ll get up when she’s ready, she doesn’t need you in there bothering her.” So I waited.

I remember coming to the doorway of Mom and Dad’s room. She looked like she was sleeping. I thought I’d go up and just put my hand on her shoulder, like I sometimes did, and give her a little pat, maybe a little shake, and see if she wanted to come downstairs. So, I walked up to the bed, and sat down on the corner, I put my hand down to lean in closer so I could gently wake her, but I noticed where I had put my hand down, the bed was wet.

I was immediately certain of what was happening. She was doing it again.

Mom, I’m scared. What did you do?

She moaned a little.

Mom, did you take something?

She faintly nodded her head.

Mom. Was it pills?

She nodded again.

Mom, I’m scared. Is it okay if I call an ambulance?

She nodded.

I asked her permission. I asked her if I could call an ambulance. To this day, I don’t know what I would have done if she had shook her head “no”. I ask myself, would I have said “Well, I’m calling one anyway.”

Or, would I have let it happen, right then and there. And what sort of son am I then? I’ve never had someone’s life in my hands until that day. This was absolute – black and white. And I was finally the witness to it. But it wasn’t the first time.

Maybe we were all overwhelmed by a constant feeling of failure in that house.  Even if something good happened in my life, I was only happy because I wasn’t adding to the chaos, not for what I was accomplishing. All I was thinking about was the next time, and how I could make her happy so it wouldn’t happen again.

Or… sometimes…  I wasn’t thinking about her at all.

Maybe I spent a lot of time being as selfish as humanly possible. I wanted to be away from there, so I spent my time on the extra-curricular…optional things… and not being there. I should have been there for her when she needed me the most. Instead, I was out there, messing around with my friends, fooling around with girls, ignoring what was going on, like an idiot.

I hold myself responsible. I should have kept myself to a higher standard. That’s how I felt.