Monday, September 03, 2007

A Confession: Theatre Buff? No.

I'm comfortable with finally admitting it: I don't go to live theatre.

It's a mistake I plan on fixing with the upcoming theatre season. It's not some sort of weird obligation that I'm feeling, it's really a strong desire to start enjoying what my friends are doing. I mean, it's not like I've never gone to live theatre. It's just that I go about as often as I go to hockey games or weddings... So, like, once or twice a year.

There's only so long that I can continue to be uninvolved in the world that I constantly continue to educate myself in. I've been to College, University, private academies and Workshops, workshops, workshops, all so that I could be an actor. I have spent at least 4 years of my life training and fighting and sweating and losing my hair (that could just be a coincidence) to be involved in and enjoy theatre, and if that means watching it and appreciating it from the sidelines, then so be it.

I've got a lot of good choices coming up. Out of those 60(!!!) theatre companies/co-ops operating in the city, there's bound to be some reeking of awesomeness. Here's what I've found so far for September:

A Beautiful View @ the Roxy Theatre (Theatre Network)
September 20-October 7.

The Busy World is Hushed @ The Third Space (Northern Light Theatre) Sept. 14-30

The Maids @ Timms Centre for the Arts, (Studio Theatre) September 20-29

Nashville Outlaws @ Mayfield Dinner Theatre August 31-November 4

Noises Off @ The Shoctor Theatre (Citadel) September 22-October 14

Pub Night Variety Show @ Jeckyl and Hyde Pub (Image Theatre) September 22-23

Scythe
@ Catalyst Theatre (Dammitdance Theatre) September 20-30

Sexy Laundry @ Varscona Theatre (Shadow Theatre) September 20-30

Theatresports @ Varscona Theatre (Rapid Fire Theatre) Every Friday Sept 22 thru July 27

CHiMPROV
@ Varscona Theatre (Rapid Fire Theatre) Every Saturday Sept 23 thru July 28

Die-Nasty Soap-A-Thon @ Varscona Theatre September 14-16

29 @ Jubilations Dinner Theatre August 17-October 28

Will the Real Alberta Please Stand Up? (Artist on Rails) September 13... And this one's on a train from Edmonton to Jasper...

Anyone got anything else?

Pub Night Variety Show @ Jeckyl and Hyde Pub (Image Theatre) September 22-23

Friday, August 03, 2007

Painting the Picture... Poorly.

I can't help but notice that some signs have gone up in and around the south side of Edmonton. All of them proudly say "PAINTING" and the lady or gentleman's telephone number boldly displayed underneath.

All these signs feature an attractive shade of blue poster board, and to contrast this, the artist has written on the sign with snowy white letters.

He has chosen a folksy paintbrush: One that leaves brush marks and drips, creating an "Aw Shucks, Mr. Wilson" down-home feel. Or maybe a "Very Good, My lil' Special Guy" nuance. Some might even say that if the artist was painting with their brush firmly shoved in his or her mouth/toes/[insert random naughy orifice here], that would be a top-drawer job.

Just yesterday, I saw a man stealing one of the signs... Perhaps to sell it on eBay, or to put it in their gallery (art or facebook, you choose). Nevertheless, it will always remind me of what it really means to make a simple advertisement unforgettable: Irony.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Generally Unfastened.

July 6, 2007 was my last day with a company called General Fasteners Ltd.

I was an Order Picker for them, which means this: I drive around a warehouse on a forklifty-type thing, and I get the items that customer needs. I learned how to drive a Pacer (traditional-looking forklift, but the kind you stand in), a Reach Truck (modified stand-up forklift that can "reach" forward with it's forks), and a picker (the forks come off the back, and you put a skid there, and you load 'er up). Sounds easy, right?

Well, yes and no.

You see, most customers don't want a whole skid of stuff. So when you pull up to the product you're supposed to pick in the warehouse, you have to take the items down without the help of a machine. That's right. I used those big, burly arms of mine to lift 50 to 120 pound boxes and coils of steel.

But come on, how many people order coils of steel, right?

Oh, about 10 companies a day. Usually they order 1200 pounds or so, but sometimes it's only just over 100.

On Friday, June 29th, I couldn't stand, sit or lie down because I'm an idiot. I felt the back pain coming on, but I didn't do anything about it.

It's a helpless feeling, laying in a pool of sweat, not having the slightest ability to move. But it got me in a reflective mood. Laying there, I tried to make a top 10 list of things that should have gotten me disciplined, but didn't, because they understood that I wasn't much of a warehouse dude...

1. I hit the rack over by the Packaging material so hard, I bent the metal and broke the plastic hood of the picker.

2. I backed into the loading dock door and put a dent in it (by the way David, that's the door that has broken twice since I arrived. Hee hee).

3. I tried to load 1200 pounds of steel by putting one fork under the stack of coils and balancing it over to the truck (It almost fell).

4. I tried to load 1200 pounds of steel the right way and it did fall.

5. I dropped a roll of packaging tape and then ran over it... for about 30 feet.

6. I dropped a case of Industrial Adhesive from at least 30 feet up in the air.

7. I contracted dyslexia and often picked the wrong product from the wrong area, and once picked 48" cardboard instead of 84" cardboard (that's a big difference).

8. I clipped the rack with my forks on my second last day, taking off the paint and nearly the fork.

9. Sometimes, I did some pretty dangerous shit, only to realize I'd forgotten to do up my safety harness... Like the very last item I picked on my very last day. Top shelf (which is roughly the height of the second floor of an office building) backwards and 2 feet away, I wobbled over to two heavy boxes, nearly tripped, and then on the way back saw that I wasn't clipped to my picker at all... oops.

10. I nearly killed a customer when I got worried I was going to hit something, so I accelerated towards him at top speed, stopping short of his shins by about 4 centimeters.

Yes. Not much of a warehouse dude at all. I'll be starting at Van Leeuwen Pipe and Tube on Monday. Back to being a Salesman for me. It's what a manly man like me was designed to do.


Friday, June 08, 2007

My brain is Bleeding from the Originality!!!

That new movie with the cutie patootie penguiy wenguiys is advertising itself as "The Most ORIGINAL Animated Movie EVER!!!"

Yes. because we didn't just watch Madagascar, Happy Feet, March of the Penguins, Farce of the Penguins, or any of those videos where the penguins trip, push, or fall face first into the ice. Penguins are perhaps the most original idea anyone has ever had this side of Pluto.

Gimme an O.
Gimme an R.
Gimme an I.
Gimme a G.
Gimme another I.
Gimme an N.
Gimme an A.
Gimme an L.

What's that spell?

Monday, June 04, 2007

High School Unclassified

I just wrote this letter to a friend of mine from High School. There's a reunion on the 9th. And this is me thinking out loud.

"Oh, how I did at one time want to do the reunion. But it's funny how a bit of bad news can bum out a whole summer... The moving thing is just not working for me anymore. Since I came back to Edmonton in '99, I've lived in 6 different places. I know, that's not a lot, but it's too much moving for me. Now I'll be dodging bullets in Millwoods, because frankly, it was the only part of the city I could afford.

I know myself too well, and I won't be in the right mindset for seeing folks again. I'll be all awkward and hangdogish, mumbling about how I still don't have a grown-up job and have auditioned for a grand total of 4 productions in 10 years, so I sabotaged my own acting career... Then I'd realize I was being Captain Pity Party and talking about myself too much, and then I'd try to puff up my chest and talk about the workshops I teach and the whole Theatresports experience being nice. And then I'd realize I was still talking about myself.

And then I'd get paranoid that everyone was looking at my sunburnt bald spot.

And then I would roll my eyes, realizing that not everyone is looking at me, of course.

I think I want to be a little more calm, and have a little less things on my mind... Oh, and about the Employee Lunch in September, call this number: 448-0695. The good folks at Rapid Fire Theatre would do that kind of thing and would impress as much as they entertain.

Sorry for gushing. Long day."

Hence, the lack of new posts. Not in the mood, and they would all sound this annoying and whiny if I made them regularly. So when I feel less like this, I'm going to post so many notes, 3M would be jealous.

Did I mention the decreasing quality of my jokes lately?

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Edmonton's "Killers" are slipping...

Anyone who's taken a stroll down Whyte Avenue in the past few months has probably noticed a couple of young gents who have chosen to consistently make a Rockstaresque attire choice.

That's right: The two guys dressed up like the missing members of "The Killers". You can't help but notice as a guy in snakeskin biker boots, tight leather pants, faux-cowboy shirt and a moustachio that would make a 70's porn star blush walks by with a leisure-suit-wearing, white alligator-shoe-sporting, sometimes-wearing-non-prescription-glasses Beau-Brummel-wannabe. And I don't mean the band, I mean the guy... You know, George Bryan Brummel, the 19th century Dandy/Fop. I guess I could've just said Dandy...

Point being, if you choose to be a Rock Star, you ARE a Rock Star. You can't walk around in the public eye, dressed to the nines and flashing smiles, when the next day, you wear something frightfully average. You'll be lambasted by the press & tabloids. So guess what boys? I'm going to play the role of tabloid...

Today, "The Killers" were caught walking down Whyte Avenue, one wearing an undersized blue and red zippy from the 80's with rather baggy jeans, whereas the other was wearing what appeared to be a shoddy leather and suede vest without a shirt(!) and something forgettable for pants and shoes. Boys, today was disappointing.

My ladyfriend suggested that it must have been laundry day... tsk tsk. I expect a trip to Decadence will cure this lacklustre performance. Besides, you need something new for the Raveonettes... Don't disappoint your public.

Monday, April 16, 2007

This Script is Hard to Improvise...

I've now watched 3 episodes of "Thank God You're Here".

Here's what I think about it.

Okay, so the producers found a game from the world of Improvisation that they enjoy. The old "put-an-actor-in-a-situation-they-know-nothing-about" bit. The idea is that the improvisers don't know what the set looks like, who is going to be in the scene, and what will be said.

And that would all work, if the other actors were doing a little more improvising when they are SUPPOSED TO!!

Yes, I get it. There's a whole bunch of gaggy gags they have to get to, so they can't have someone coming up with something that's not in the script(!)... For example, they ask Harland Williams, who is playing an Explorer (dressed up as Sherlock Holmes(?)) to show the latest slide show of his findings. He explains that the first slide is the original photo of Janet Jackson for the "Rolling Stone Magazine" spread where she was topless, but that dude was holding her bosoms... Naturally, the little primitive statue in the slide is topless and quite funnily unlike Janet Jackson... But the other "improviser" in the scene continues with the original scripted joke and says "Uh, this statue has magical powers... Uh, what were they again?"

Yes, yes, yes. Here and there, the other improvisers are improvising, but it's moments like this that need to get fixed. There were many examples, but I think you get the picture. I think once the scene begins, everyone should just be spontaneous and see where the scene takes them... It doesn't have to be Pimp-o-mania... Just forcing the special guest to tell jokes.

And perhaps the producers would argue that they are not trying to do a "purist" improvisational show (obviously), and I can stick my opinion where the ratings don't shine, but I couldn't help but notice that the show already got moved to a new time and day...

Oh, and casting. Take true advantage of Dave Foley. I think we have a man who can be a truly harsh judge, not just a sunshine-blower. If Brian Posehn is having a hard time, he's having a hard time. Give it to 'em. He's a pro, he can take it... I'm pretty sure Mr. Foley is on a tight leash. I think it should be loosened.

Monday, April 09, 2007

... and You Will Know Me By The Trail of Unfinished Projects

It is one hell of a thing, writing about something that really happened.

Writing about someone that close to you.

I haven't written anything new recently. But I did receive a chain e-mail that warned me "Send this on within 300 seconds or your MOM will DIE!!"

Ha. Joke's on them.

I don't really know if it's okay to have a sense of humor about tragedy. I'm not sure who I offend when I say things like that... It's a very similar sensation to when somebody close to you passes and you feel like you committed the greatest sin by being relieved.

Relieved that they don't have to be in pain any more. Relieved that there might even be an afterlife where they can be at peace. Or even so far as relieved that they might get a second chance in a new life, if that's your thing... But where it starts to feel awful is the relief that you yourself don't have to worry, agonize, and stress yourself out any more about that person... You no longer have to wonder when they will get better, or when they'll get worse. It's the most selfish and crumpling feeling I've ever had.

It was April 6, 2000 when she took her own life. My mother. And it's easy to remember because I love music, and all news I hear is about Kurt Cobain on the 8th. I want to make the most appropriate tribute possible, but it's hard to know just what that is. A play? I want it to be, but then I was watching an old rerun of The Simpsons, And when Lisa was failing at Tap Dancing, Marge and Homer told her that she could still make it big on Broadway by writing a "depressing play" about "coming to terms with things"... No why the hell do I take personal offense to something said on a comedy show over 10 years ago?

I really want it to be somehow uplifting. But it will be what it will be. And it won't be anything if I don't step it up.

Oh yeah, and once I'm finished writing my play, all I've got left is a 2000+ Band Directory I want to have online, a comedy duo that does simultaneous tributes to two different musicians (I'll explain that better some day), and a complete personal and career makeover that I'm going to have to explore before my 10 year High School reunion in June.

But I'm okay. I just needed to burn off some typing steam.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Workshop it Out

So, I told my Improv Spring-breakers that I'd post a little info about the Whitemud Crossing workshop. Even if you didn't take the workshop, you might find something interesting in the process, so please, join us.

We started off with a little round of "Whoosh!", or whatever you call it... Heck, it's the improv world, so it probably has some nutty name like "Barbra-Ann" or "Mitzy", but for the sake of memory, let's call it Whoosh. Mostly just an energy warm-up, I find it also brings the spontaneous side of the brain alive. By that, I mean it's a good starting point for doing things without thinking too much about consequences and if what you are doing is "good" or "acceptable"... This lead into "Pass the Anything", where we started to accept creative offers of others by receiving an imaginary item the same way it was passed to us. We then turned it into something entirely new. It's always been one of my favorites.

We moved on to "Yes, Lets!", a game where the only rule is that we must accept enthusiastically the suggestions of others and do the activity suggested with full commitment. I like using this early on because of all the fundamentals it has in it: Spontaneity (shouting a random activity without premeditating it), accepting (always saying yes, which is important to the beginner improv artist), commitment (doing every activity to the fullest) and not questioning each other (making the other improviser look good by committing to the task they suggested). I'm sure there's even more good in this game.

Next up: "What are you Doing?", an activity where two improvisers make constant offers to each other, making both create a reality based on a simple activity. This game can be used to help reinforce how the mundane is a great place to start in a scene. We don't have to be blasting off to outer space. We could be tying a shoe. An extra challenge to add to this is to say a platform must be set up; Each suggestion should have a Who, What and Where. For example:

A: "What are you doing?"
B: "I'm eating breakfast in the kitchen before my high school midterm".

Person B doesn't have to say "I'm a student eating breakfast in the kitchen", they can allow us to figure who they are by just being clear. We did not attempt this version of "What are you doing" for the workshop, but it's worth a try if you have a chance.

We took a little break. When we came back, I took out the pool noodles. I use them for something called "This is my...", in which participants take turns imagining the pool noodle as anything but. They announce what it is, and then they must use it as that item. Really good for developing the creative and imaginative side in my opinion.

It was then time for some character work. I love the fact that characters allow freedom to the actor, in that they are no longer confined to what they personally would do, it's now all about what the character does. I showed everyone a little trick in which you lead yourself with various parts of the body to change your posture and frame of mind: those who were there know what I mean. We played a fast and furious version of "Hitchhiker", in which the actors come up with characters on the spot and are driven to destinations, allowing for some conversation along the way. It's an interesting way to lead into relationships, but for the most part, the meetings in "Hitchhiker" are between strangers... which can certainly develop a relationship, but I save that for the next little item...

"Fairy tale in a Minute". Finally, a story. Some might wonder why this game. I use it because we have a simple story that everyone should have a basic understanding of, and we put a time constraint on it so that we start seeing the game side of improv as well as making sure all dialog is to-the-point. Also, the relationships and status in these stories are mostly already understood, so there doesn't tend to be battles among improvisers for attention or importance. It also makes for a clear beginning, middle and end, so is a good beginner narrative tool. People can totally argue this stuff with me, but that's what I've found about this game in my experience. We chose Cinderella, and honestly, I have never done a workshop where the group didn't choose Cinderella. Can't explain that, other than maybe it has a Fairy in it, and that subconsciously influences folks to suggest it. Just before we did our "Cinderella in a Minute", we did a little story-from-scratch stuff by doing a tap-out monologue and a conducted story... We also touched on some popular ask-for's/suggestions from the audience, like asking for:

- an occupation
- a non-geographical location
- what is in my hand (the improviser holding an imaginary, un-formed object)
- a relationship between two people
- an emotion

et cetera, etc. etc.

It wrapped up well. The improvisers shared the stage, weren't selfish, and worked like a team. All around, the smoothest workshop I've been a part of yet. Thanks, if you all came by to read.

Any senior/junior/beginner improviser/person can certainly discuss the validity of any of the games and activities if they would like in the comments section or they can e-mail me at:

spallier@hotmail.com

Friday, March 16, 2007

Links of Non-Sausage & Boxing


Before you read, check out my new links. Yeah, you get to read of the misadventures of Trish, Ang, and Jeff. It'll be fun.

I decided on a new feature. It goes a little something like this: I throw my hand into a shoebox full of Atari games, and whatever one I pull out, I have a little chat about what I remember about it. Today, I have picked:

BOXING: Realsports Series

This was a game initally intended for the Atari 2600, but lucky me, the Atari 7800 is 2600 compatible. So I was able to enjoy minutes upon minutes of fun, helping a black guy beat up a white guy, or vice versa. It seemed to be the old Atari formula: White man versus Black man. I guess it was just easier to make the distinction... However, on the cover, it actually shows a Black guy socking it to a less-Black guy, so maybe my memory is a little hazy...

I do certainly remember that 5 people watch the match, well, 5 peg-like people who pulsate up and down if the action grows. The sound gets louder the more of a pounding you lay into each other. You can punch for the head or the breadbasket. That's it.

If you win, you bounce off the 4 ropes repeatedly, walking on top of your opponent as you go. Your opponent will lay diagonally, knees crooked, motionless. And the 10-count is hideously fast. It is however, a technological breakthrough that the part of the body you hit actually matters in this 1988 classic. It will move appropriately when your stick-like arms strike. The sound, however, regardless of what you hit, sounds like a ping-pong ball being shot at a steel plate in a hermetically sealed room.

I actually played this game (and many others) against a regular reader. So what do you say, Al? Time for me to hook up the old dinosaur so we can go another few rounds?

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Cover Your Heads: The Conclusion


The show is now complete. Things went smooth, except for the fact that my playlist said we were going to spin Social Distortion, not Johnny Cash, but hey, whatever. These things happen.

Here's useless information for my last 4 songs on my "Top 20" list. You now know that 3 of these 4 were chosen. Here we go:

17. METISYAHU - Message in a Bottle
Original artists The Police seem to be back together, so doest this mean the end of Klark Kent? Although apparently, Stewart Copeland has never admitted to being Klark Kent, or, at times, Klerk Kant, it's definitely him. The only song under this alter ego to get any airplay was "Away from Home".

18. RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE - Renegades of Funk
This one comes from the man who brought us "Planet Rock". Afrika Bambaataa has been hiding his age since day one. He has yet to reveal his exact date of birth... Although, if my sources are correct, he's going to be 50 years old as of April.

19. FOO FIGHTERS - Baker Street
The original artist of Baker Street was Gerry Rafferty, and most people know him better as the lead singer for Stealers Wheel, that band that did "Stuck in the Middle". Guitar replacing saxophone in this update? Much, much better.

20. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS - Love Rollercoaster
Initially recorded by the Ohio Players, a band that was once part of a scandal over this very song: An urban legend states that the model from the cover of the album was murdered in the studio when she complained about the honey burns she received from the photo session. Fans were led to believe that either the manager of the band killed her, or some random intruder did when she came to complain... You can hear her screams right on the track, listeners state. Hee hee.

Hope you liked the show, if you listened. If not, I love you anyway.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Cover Your Heads Part IV

Okay, so tomorrow's the big day. And only one of the songs on today's list will be played... Can YOU guess which one? First right answer gets my shares in Microsoft (seeing that I don't have any, but what a generous offer if I did).

13. NIRVANA - The Man Who Sold the World
Initially by David Bowie, and everyone knows that guy has been everything from an Androgynous Alien to a Plastic Soulster, but not everyone knows that he was once living in a Buddhist Monastery. He was also a mime in the early days, perhaps explaining his penchant for makeup.

14. COWBOY JUNKIES - Sweet Jane
I was always far more familiar with the Cowboy Junkies version than the Velvet Underground one, so I was super-depressed to discover that 54-40's "Crossing a Canyon, one of my favorite songs, is a tissue paper-thin near exact copy of the original. Listen for yourself someday.

15. 5,6,7,8's - Woo Hoo
To complicate things, there are two bands called the Rock-a-Teens (this song's first performers), and I'm talking about the 1950's band, just for the record. It's a total mess in books and websites trying to get info on this classic primitive band. Fans of the Movie "Pecker" would have heard the initial cut of this song already, and realized that not every all-girl Japanese band has an amazing talent for writing their own brand of rockabilly... or any music at all, for that matter.

16. CAPTAIN TRACTOR - London Calling
Chart success came late in America for original artists, The Clash. Not only did it come late at first, it also came very late when in 1991 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?", a former Modern Rock Door song, hit high after being used in a Levi's Commercial...

So blow the dust off your radios, friends. Tune into your friendly neighborhood Shawn tomorrow, and if you're not in Edmonton, listen on:
radiosonic.fm


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Cover Your Heads Part III


4 of the next 4 songs will hit SONiC this Thursday at 10 pm...

9. CAKE - I Will Survive
Original artist Gloria Gaynor was more that just another disco queen, she was a pioneer. She made one of the first ever "you-are-supposed-to-dance-to-this" albums (in other words, dance music). She even did a performance for Pope John Paul II... Like Johnny, she was a born-again Christian, so that kind of helped her not die of drug abuse and such.

10. THE CLASH - I Fought The Law
First performed by Buddy Holly's Band "The Crickets" in 1960, the famous cover is by the Bobby Fuller Four in 1966. Bobby Fuller's death is still the subject of controversy, as he was found with a stomach full of gasoline and was beaten badly. The police ruled suicide.. That means that practically nobody that has a famous version of this song is alive... creepy.

11. U2/GREEN DAY - The Saints are Coming
Member of the original artists for this song (The Skids), guitarist Stuart Adamson, was a punk rocker, but he went on to perform with the decidedly un-punk Big Country. He took his own life in 2001 just before the band was to open for Bryan Adams.

12. PEARL JAM - Last Kiss
Originally written and performed by Wayne Cochran, the version everyone knows is J. Frank Wilson's. You have to see Wayne Cochran to believe him. He once had a pompadour which doesn't seem possible, and it is platinum blond. He screamed his voice into oblivion by the mid 1960's. Screamo bands, let that be a warning to you.


Monday, March 05, 2007

Cover Your Heads Part II

I should point out, only 12 of the 20 songs I talk about will actually be on "Hey Ma! I'm on Sonic" at 10 pm on Thursday, March 8th, but I'll write about all of them, like they were my little song children.

5. JOHNNY CASH - Hurt
Trent Reznor, founding and frequently only member of Nine Inch Nails rented the Charles Manson Murder House, and that's where the original "Hurt" and the whole "Downward Spiral" album was recorded. He claims he didn't know it at the time, but...
Other Cover versions performed by: Dead Rites, Christy Moore, Razor Skyline, Ark Sano, Tin Electric

6. GNARLS BARKLEY - Gone Daddy Gone
Legend has it the Violent Femmes, original artists of this track, were signed following a busking stint entertaining the line for a Pretenders concert... And that makes sense, considering the late James Honeyman-Scott of that band once laid claim to their discovery.
Other Cover versions performed by: Codebreaker, Reach Around Rodeo Clowns

7. WHITE STRIPES - Walking With a Ghost
Interestingly, the writers and first performers of this song, Tegan and Sara, had a different name when they started: "Sara and Tegan". I guess it just didn't sound natural enough, so they reversed it. If you're lucky, you have a copy of the album with that original name, because it didn't last long... It was reprinted quite quickly with the names the "right" way around.
Other Cover versions performed by: Nobody that I know of, so let me know if you've heard one.

8. SOCIAL DISTORTION - Ring of Fire
You've probably now heard every story possible about Johnny Cash, but I'm pretty sure the movie didn't say much about his 1982 album with Jerry Lee Lewis and Carl Perkins (the original artist of "Blue Suede Shoes"). It was called "The Survivors", and it was live. Not a shocker that it was mostly gospel songs- Johnny was still in his "fundamental Christian" stage... Glad he snapped out of that, for artistic reasons at least.
Other Cover versions performed by: Wall of Voodoo, Def Leppard, Blondie, Ray Charles, Bob Dylan, Tom Jones, Frank Zappa, and countless, countless others

Four more songs tomorrow...



Sunday, March 04, 2007

"Cover" Your Heads

Here comes a bombardment of useful information.

I want to get a little in depth on the covers that made my top 20 list, so here's the first 4:

1. GOB - Paint It Black

Originally a 1966 hit for The Rolling Stones, this gem has been covered countless times, but SONiC likes the version by Vancouver's Gob... The Rolling Stones are the kings of debauchery; From being involved with all sorts of young girls and models to being found dead at Pooh Corner, these guys ARE rock n' roll, and I'm pretty sure you knew that already.
Other Cover versions performed by: The Animals, Deep Purple, Echo and the Bunnymen, U2, The Tea Party and... uh, Vanessa Carlton?... and many many more.

2. SOCIAL CODE - Whisper to a Scream (Birds Fly)

First known as "Birds Fly (Whisper to a Scream) in 1984, it's now been reversed. The Icicle Works (later known as simply Icicle Works) came together in Liverpool. The self-titled debut that this track comes from is critically acclaimed, but that line that most people measure themselves up to, North American Success, eluded them outside of a few die-hard fans (props to Christine)... But most people have still heard this original. Edmonton's own Social Code should get a hell of a lot of cred for picking a cover that hasn't been beaten to death.
Other Cover versions performed by: Soho (for the "Scream" soundtrack, and I'm not sure of any others).

3. OUT OF YOUR MOUTH - Music


What's there left to be said about Madonna? My third Canadian act on the list, Calgary's Out of Your Mouth, give this tune the ol' "let's make it dark and heavy" treatment... which actually could be argued about the other two songs on this list... Nah. The other two are the whole "let's give it the Me First and the Gimme Gimmesque" treatment. Anywhoo, point being, Madonna jumped on the Mr. DJ bandwagon and made us dance. Out of Your Mouth made us thrash. And SONiC DJ Graham Scott gets snooty cred for not knowing this song was originally by Madonna.
Other Cover versions performed by: Adam Marano, The Mysterious Girl (although these first two are copies more than covers), Jackass (not the movie, the band, this cover is rockabilly-fied).

GARY JULES w/Michael Anderson - Mad World

Yep. That creepy song from the video game commercial & Donnie Darko was a Tears for Fears dancefloor classic in a previous life. Gary Jules sings on this Michael Anderson re-arrangement done for the aforementioned movie, and it's absolutely chilling... Tears for Fears is my "Geek Love". I've been into them since I was in Elementary School. After over a decade of stalling, they did make another album in 2004 together, and they seem to still be together.
Other Cover versions performed by: Jan Wayne, Alex Parks, Wise Guys

Come back tomorrow for 4 more songs.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

On Mick Jagger and Screeching

I really enjoyed the Wolfmother concert.

'Nuff said on that. Judge me if you want.

Side notes on that concert:

Dude from the Icarus Line: You're pretty good, and you'll only get better. But there's only one Mick Jagger, and you're not it. David Johansen, AKA Buster Poindexter, tried to act like Mick when he was in the New York Dolls & when he was solo, and he looked silly. Just imagine what you look like. Find your own thing. And no, the crotch grabbing wasn't it. That's Michael Jackson.

Dudes in Wolfmother: Experimental is definitely good. It's cool to hear that you want to go in new directions. A band I love very much, Spoon, is constantly experimenting. And guess what? Their songs are pretty short. And good... Which brings me to my point...

You guys had a lot of fun treating us to some long-form jams. But experimental doesn't have to be long-form. Don't get the two confused. This ain't the 60's or 70's any more. I didn't find "The Sultans of Swing" to be all that experimental, yet it was damn long. In fact, it was quite plain... You see? Long can be boring. Boring. Boring... and screeching can be annoying.

Despite all the criticism, I had a f'n blast. I loved it, and it was lovely. The music was tight, loud, and entertaining. I just need to be all artsy and critic-y to make me feel better about my own non-existent music career.

Oooo. Burn. On myself.

See? I can go from self-righteous to self-loathing in 5.5 seconds. That should be my superpower.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Bigger Than Love

February 14, 2007.

Valentine's day for many, but something entirely different for me.

That was the day I made the music stop on Sonic 102.9... for those not familiar, Sonic has a contest called "Make it Stop", where a particularly bad song that we'd all like to forget is played until a caller can end the madness by naming the song and artist.

Me winning a name-that-tune-style contest? Didn't see that coming...

The song was "Love's Theme" by the Love Unlimited Orchestra. Let's just say I love Barry White, the conductor of said Orchestra.

Anyway, I get a Departed DVD. Meh. I could've done worse.

You can all come over and watch it with me.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Changing My Life. Day after Day. Hoo-ray.

So.

I got a job as a DJ.

I quit before it started.

I haven't wrote any more play monologues... Oh wait, I have:

"Vacation time.

The mountains. It was summer, and I hoped having her out of the house would help her feel better. I just wanted her to feel better.

But really, there wasn’t much difference. She seemed the same.
That was, until we got to the lake.

It was late in the evening, and the sun was glistening gold on the surface. And then they started. The fish were leaping out of the water, flipping in midair, and falling back, almost gracefully. And she smiled.

And she watched.

And I could have sat there forever.

The next morning, she was back to the way she was before. Back to normal, I guess.

So I gave her a hug. And then I realized there was a desperation in my hold on her. I was squeezing too tight, and I probably shook her…

I said, “Come on, Mom. Cheer up. We’re on vacation.”

“I just can’t, Shawn. I can’t.”

And I didn’t understand. And that’s the problem. I was trying to decode her, demystify her behaviour in my head. But that was the problem.

It was too simple. No amount of fixing and solving and thought and time and energy and faith could change it.

She just couldn’t. She just couldn’t."

And then, I did 4200 square feet of insulation. Not after the vacation, today at the store. I know, the monologue is kind of written funny, but it is a rough draft. I probably shouldn't have shared it before it was done. Meh. I'm a sharing kind of guy.

The end.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

A Scrap of Paper and a Title

I've heard this question a couple of times: How's the play coming along?

Well, it's now got a title. "With You".

And here's a snippet of a monologue:

"... I went downstairs in my dad's house... our house. The one that we all lived in together, but we hadn't for a few years...

I had no logical response yet for what had happened. I had yet to, other than the exact moment I heard the news, react at all. So I forced myself. I pushed myself to be normal, to be human... and respond.

I went downstairs into the shower, clothes on. Shower off. Lights off.

And I called to her.

Mom. Mom?

And I got louder and louder. I was sure she would respond. And when she didn't...

I remember hearing about John Lennon, something about shouting therapy... and there was a song where he shouted, like a release, so I released.

Why did you do that? Can't you see? I was just about to make it! You would have been here to see that and be proud. So why? Why?"

And that's a little taste of it. It's been good, trying to write this. I put a lot of pressure on myself to come out with a masterpiece right away, and I'm afraid to write anything that isn't good. So I'm confronting that fear, but now I have to learn how to keep the shitty things I write instead of throwing them away. Because I'll never learn from them if they keep going in the trash.

Also, as you can imagine, writing about something deeply personal is quite cathartic, so don't worry about the intenseness of the above monologue having a negative impact on my mental state. I'm good.

And don't worry if that whole above monologue didn't make much sense, I'm sure it will with the right amount of surrounding context.

So that's that for now. Wish me some sort of writer's good fortune, eh?

Sunday, January 28, 2007

What's Underneath the Covers?

So the time has come for me to attempt to get on Hey Ma, I'm on Sonic again.

Here's the angle I'm hitting it from this time: cover songs that get played on Sonic.

Here's my list:

1. GOB - Paint it Black
2. SOCIAL CODE - Whisper to a Scream (Birds Fly)
3. OUT OF YOUR MOUTH - Music
4. GARY JULES W/Michael Anderson - Mad World
5. JOHNNY CASH - Hurt
6. GNARLS BARKLEY - Gone Daddy Gone
7. THE WHITE STRIPES - Walking With a Ghost
8. SOCIAL DISTORTION - Ring of Fire
9. CAKE - I Will Survive
10. THE CLASH - I Fought the Law
11. U2/GREEN DAY - The Saints are Coming
12. PEARL JAM - Last Kiss
13. NIRVANA - The Man Who Sold The World
14. COWBOY JUNKIES - Sweet Jane
15. 5.6.7.8.'s - Woo Hoo
16. CAPTAIN TRACTOR - London Calling
17. METISYAHU - Message in a Bottle
18. RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE - Renegades of Funk
19. FOO FIGHTERS - Baker Street
20. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS - Love Rollercoaster

The first person who can come up with all 20 original artists, I'll give to you "mad props" on the radio... Unless of course, the covers thing has already been done when I wasn't listening, and therefore, I'm not going on the show.

Meh. Mad props anyway if you know all the answers... Don't google them. That's cheating.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Clean Sweep!

On the brighter side, here are a few things I am good at on a construction site:

- making coffee
- sweeping the floor
- falling through the ceiling tiles and creating a draft and a mess

A mess which I swept up like a pro!

Never fear, twas just my leg that went through, not all of me... Still...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

No Can Do.

Here is a list of things I'm not very good at:

- lifting drywall
- cutting drywall
- drywalling in general
- stripping wood from 1912
- wiring and stripping wires
- drilling track into a concrete floor
- insulating
- hauling wood out of an elevator shaft
- being a human pack mule
- running wire through a ceiling
- avoiding flying pieces of debris when co-workers have shit fits
- attaching a thingie to some studs with some wires (not that complicated, but I thoroughly chew ass at it... it's fine if you don't know what the "thingie" is, neither do I, and I still don't... you know, a big metal bar that runs through your walls innards and guts... no, not the stud, the thingie going the other way... bah, I just blow. That's really all the that matters here)

Here is a list of what I've been doing since December 30, 2006:

- lifting drywall
- cutting drywall
- drywalling in general
- stripping wood from 1912
- wiring and stripping wires
- drilling track into a concrete floor
- insulating
- hauling wood out of an elevator shaft
- being a human pack mule
- running wire through a ceiling
- avoiding flying pieces of debris when co-workers have shit fits
- attaching a thingie to some studs with some wires

I hope you're not surprised when you read about my digit/limb/nipple-losing emergency situation in the paper when I attempt to use the "planer".

It'll make writing pretty hard if I don't have a nipple... uh, I mean fingers or arms.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

October 12, 1947

To begin at the beginning.

Is is 1947. The war has been over for a couple of years now. The radio is playing Count Basie, Perry Como, and Francis Craig & His Orchestra's "Near You".

The Liddles are expecting a new addition to their family. Bob and Ken are going to have new brother or sister... I'm going to have to find out what they were called back then. Bobby & Kenny? Robert and Kenneth? Booboo and K-Bone?... we'll get that one figured...

They live on a farm with their mother Frieda and their father, the hardest working man in Bobtail, Tom Liddle... I don't really know if they call it Bobtail or Bobtail County or nothing yet... but that's what they call it today.

I just found a copy of that song "Near You". It's perfect for the mood at the top of the play. The massive problem with the play is going to be the music. I just found out that no sound recording is considered "public domain" at all. I was given the false information that anything older than 50 years was cool, but Chad was looking for some tunes, and I'm going to have to delve a little further into copyright laws before I get my heart set on anything.

Born October 12, 1947: Sheila Liddle. I'm going to try to provide little windows and fragments into her life, not a complete history, but a series of slices of her life and those who she touched.

Starting now.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Swing Kids...

...and the blood runs cold.

The last time you saw Swing Kids, it probably didn't seem like much to you; A Disney presentation, this film takes a not-so-in-depth view at the young German rebels who danced to swing music and enjoyed American culture in direct defiance of the Nazis. It takes a look at their (violent) interractions with the Nazi Youth, and how they were grouped in with any minority that was viewed undesirable at the time in Germany... You know which ones I'm talking about.

But wait, there's more.

I don't think this film will ever be shown or released in the USA again. It's just accidentally drawing on one too many sensitive issues. The most glaring is when one of the characters mentions that the Nazis took Prague and were "greeted as liberators".

Yikes.

And then, there was a quote from Hitler which sounded... ah, most of you know what I'm going to say. I can't say it though, because I'm pretty sure that the FBI would....ghglasj... goapsb.... WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!!! DON'T TAKE MY COMP>>>>>>>>>>>>JFDLSKJf;atiowetjhpo...

___________________________________________________________________

I'm writing you from a cell somewhere in Greenland... I think... They've allowed me 1 minute with a laptop. I will use this opportunity to say this: Somebody help me. I never meant to be the 1,000,000th person to point out similarities between Nazi Germany and current USA. I guess the government was keeping track internationally, and I was officially the one they decided to arrest due to me being that milestone.

I guess I deserved it. I should have written something original.

I love you all...

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I mean it this time...

I'm going to write that mutha of a play.

I've never had more spare time, so too busy is no longer an excuse. The block of the moment is separating good, story-worthy memories of my mom from boring, or even fictitious memories of my mom... Allow me to explain:

Sometimes, I'm not entirely sure if I'm embellishing the truth or telling what really happened. So, every once and a while, I tell a story about somebody or something and somebody will point out a flaw in the story to prove I've at least remembered it wrong, or I'm completely lying.


CURSE YOU, CREATIVE BRAIN of a LEFT HANDER!! A POX ON YOUR SYNAPSES!

Anywhoo, a play.

And you'll all come and see it, because you either like me, and want to see me succeed, or you hate me, and watching me fail serves to inflate your own battered ego.

Lightly battered though, like a good piece of fish.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Steady Eddie?

Come on, now Alberta! Steady Eddie?

We can do better for nicknames than that, can't we? I mean, he hasn't done anything yet, and he's already Steady Eddie? We didn't call Ralph Klein "Shiny Kleiny" or something dumbass like that when he first came in, so why does Ed Stelmach get so much cred so fast?

I challenge citizens around the world to come up with something that didn't get off the nickname short bus. Or I challenge Albertans to wait until he does something first before we go around acting like he's our old High School buddy.

Steady Eddie... What if he gets Parkinson's? Steady Eddie... What if he gets an inner ear infection and starts falling down a lot?

Then we'll certainly look like a right jolly bunch of sots for jumping the gun like this.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Details, Details.

Dear 104.9,

I have to listen to your radio station for the Christmas season. It's always playing xmas tunes, and that's what's suitable for my store.

I tried tuning into your station for a couple of days in late November, but the seasonal music hadn't started yet... But, of course, your music was acceptable for the store, so I kept it on anyway. I know this really doesn't matter at all, but I noticed something pretty major within the first few moments of listening: I don't think your DJs are particularily fond of music.

It's pretty basic stuff: A nice woman's voice tells us something along the lines of "And now, the Andrews Sisters", and you start playing "Mr. Sandman" by the Chordettes. The Chordettes! Just because some ladies are singing doesn't mean that you're automatically playing the Andrews Sisters... I mean, the song wasn't even from the same era, and the Chordettes really, really don't sound like the Andrews Sisters apart from they are female, and they sing in unison/harmony.

Totally unreasonable rant, I know, but even the casual music listener that likes the music of the 50's would have noticed... Oh, and so far as that "we play music that would never embarass you" promo you run? I get it. No swearing, yelling, or speaking of booties, bitches, jelly, humps, lovely lady lumps, pimps, hos, sweater muffins, or... uh... ass cleavage... So as to not damage the delicate creampuffy insides of a shielded listener's life.

However, it is reasonable to believe that a 15-year old listener might get very embarassed if their parent/guardian was playing your radio station in the car while giving his/her friends a ride to school and decided to crank up the Celine Dion/Michael Bolton to extreme levels and say "Hey! This is that song you love so much, isn't it?".

Yep. Leaving one of your listeners embarassed.

But keep up the good work with the christmas tunes.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Na na na na na na na na CATscan!!

See what I did there? What with the Batman thingy in the title?... ah, forget it.

Anyhow, it's that time again when I have a bizarre medical scare. If it ain't throwing up and heaving, it's falling down and seizing for me.

Well, not a seizure necessarily, but something of that nature. To make a long story short, my buddy watched me pitch myself to the floor and twitch around for a while, so I went to the doctor and the doctor said,

"NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED!"

Uh, I mean, he referred me to the University Hospital for a CT scan, or CAT scan, or whatever you medical-types think it's real name is. Eggheads.

So I go to the hospital, and here's a little hint I want to pass along to the genius who put up the signs: If the area is called "Radiology", then put up a sign that says "Radiology", not whatever the hell the sign said. Something like "Pictured Result Scanning and Related Fields" doesn't really help Joe Lunchbox here.

I must say, I actually enjoyed the ride on the ol' CT Machine: First, they make you lay perfectly still for roughly 2 minutes, to build anticipation... I guess. Then, the table starts to move up and down, back and forth, and a big mama cylinder with lights reminiscent of "Batteries Not Included" (you know, the little UFO-like Aliens that help old people movie) spin around your head, taking pictures of your thinker...

If I don't hear back from the Doc, that's good. But I'm not too worried.

If you haven't seen "Batteries Not Included", you really should. I find movies that were made like this one before CGI was considered good enough make for a much more enjoyable viewing experience. Because you're like, whoa, that was done nicely, instead of whoa, that was good CGI.

It took us 2 years to animate the fur so it looked natural... Well, maybe you should have used puppets then... or humans in mascot-like uniforms. Because you're never getting those two years of your life back.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Truckload of Kryptonite

There comes a time in every superhero's life where their powers fade. Either that, or there is something causing it to slip, either a physical, real thing, or something more psychological.

Lately, I feel a little like the Lady Lovin' Lynx has lost his Soul Finger.

But it's cool, I'm sure it's totally in my head... Or... OR!!!... I bet there is some supervillian out there, maybe his name is Erik Von ElevatorMusik, and he's playing a particularily crappy cover of "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang, maybe some sort of Casiotone version with the damn thing set to mandolin, like some sort of freaky, alien jackhammer pounding out the feel-not-so-good melody.

Celeleleleleleabratatatatate ggggoooododod timimes cccc'comomomon!

And if I can muster up some power, maybe I can get him to stop... I just need to remember that I'm still funktastic...

And thus, Triple L will rise again.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

It's a Mad World

Some people give me a rough time about my Tears for Fears album.

They're like, "Dude, why would you have something so hopelessy 80's and cheesy in your otherwise acceptable music collection? Why deviate from the path of awesomeness?"

I object. That album is awesome.

And I'm glad that the glowing miracle that is television is proving my point yet again...

There's that commercial (for a video game, "Gears of War"), you know the one. A dude looking like a GI Joe on steriods is running through barren, war-torn streets. He's passing bodies, debris, and the obligatory children's toy...

GI Juice-monkey enters an abandoned, shattered building. Hiding in the dark: A gigantic, robotic spider. Our hapless soldier spews machine gun bullets from his phallus, only to be (possibly) dramatically defeated by four sharp mechanical legs...

Now, the score to this commercial should be obvious. It should be "Random Metal" by "Studio Musicians pretending to be a Band". Or perhaps it would be "Dramatic Cheaply-Purchased Rights to Orchestra kind-of sounding like John Williams"... But nay. It is a haunting rendition of Roland Orzabal's classic Tears for Fears song "Mad World" as interpreted by Michael Andrews and Gary Jules, also heard in "Donnie Darko" and at the top of the UK charts in 2003.

Everybody wants to rule the world, and Tears for Fears, you once did. And you still rule a portion of my heart.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Skeletons in the Pencil Cup

It's funny when a holiday passes, and we are left with it's remnants.

A lot of the pencils here have skeletons on them, and the skeletons are frantically waving bats away from their faces. And a geeky ghost is flying around with the bats, seemingly oblivous. Or the skeletons are dancing, and the bats are swarming in to watch their mad skills. And the aforementioned ghost is still without a care. He is smiling.

How do you really know how a skeleton is feeling? They all seem to have the same expression on their faces. Unless they are the types you hang up in an elementary school. Those kinds are smiling, and they usually have eyeballs.

But alas, a true skeleton cannot smile. It can simply stay motionless, or bleach if exposed to sunlight. Or if it is hooked up to a sort-of animatronics device, it can squeal and spew delicious puns.

Anyway, what was I getting at?

Oh yeah, Halloween is over, man... Like, over a week ago. Time to throw those pencils into the fire, or donate them to a Poor Goth Charity.

I'm sure they could always use more pencils.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

And Now, a Dialogue from Blackbyrd Myoozik

David: I want to get something something in your cabinet.

Clerk: What do you want?

David: Oh, just something in that cabinet in that corner...

Clerk: Yeah. But WHAT?

David: (surprised) Uh... The Killers Box Set...

Clerk: Okay then.

Mr. Clerk, you proved to myself and my friend that you are definitely jaded and cool. Good on ya. That's the spirit. I love your record boutique. Keep on making people feel like pieces of rotting vegetables in a downtown dumpster, that's the way to success.

But I guess I keep coming back. And you probably made fun of my friend for his $50 purchase... I mean come on, the Killers? They are so totally not Indie...

But from the interviews I've read, they are complete assholes, so you might have something in common with them!

Burn.

Monday, November 06, 2006

When I Was Your Age

I can't believe that there is a 45 minute wait at a chain restaurant.

I mean sure, it's good food, the chefs are trained in Italy, and I like Moretti Beer (very mild, yet refreshing), but 45 minutes? I shoulda gone to some local eatery, or, uh, got some Bertoli...

Anywhoo, that's not really my point. My real point is this: If your child is over 4'11" tall, they are NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING RESEMBLING A SIPPY CUP in a restaurant!!

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're going to say. What if she's one of those allergy/bubble kids who needs this sippycupesque liquid to stay alive? What if she's just getting over her parents divorce and needs this cup as a security blanket? What if somebody died in her life and this is the cup they treasured, or the cup was the last gift to her?

Meh.

It still looked dumb.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Time to Play The Game

Okay brothers and sisters.

It's high time that I started bringing my "A" Game to the show again. For the last few months (really, since the beginning of the season), I feel like I've been performing at a solid "C" level.

I know that's not good enough.

But it's tough... It doesn't seem to matter how many years I do improv (14, for those who haven't see my bio), I always hit a spell where I'm not really clicking like I should, and I feel like appologizing to the audience for that.

Unfortunately, I usually am. You can tell in my body language and facial expressions that I'm improvising as well as being "sorry for being shitty", which doesn't help the audience, the cast members, the higher-ups, or me.

So it doesn't matter if I perform or not tonight, I just want you (my 4 readers, that is) to know that from this day forward, I'll envision myself as an unforgiving SUPASTAR... Understanding all the time that being modest whilst projecting that is a delicate balance.

And at the same time as being more confident, I'll be more relaxed. I'll do the warm-ups that I know will get me out of my head, and stop questioning or even subtly mocking my artform.

Kind of a strange read today, I know, but I have to get that off my chest.

Uh... yeah, nothing really funny or insightful in all that... so... uh... CRAYZEE MONKEYS!!! WHEEE!!!

Crazy monkeys can be funny.... Now, for something insightful... Uh... If god created the world, who created god???.... TRIIIIPY... WHOA!!!

Shawn out.

Monday, October 30, 2006

And Now, A Letter.

Dear Sloan,

(Boys, your concert reminded me of a challenging date with an intelligent and beautiful girl. So, I will write this letter as if you were one.)

I must say, you were radiant the other night. You were charming, smooth, and your charisma filled the room. I felt like I was at home with you, and you really swept me off my feet. However, I was left wondering if the earlier part of the evening was intentional or just some excruciating mistake that you wished never happened.

I arrived at our meeting place a little early, and I know, that's a little desparate for a second date. I'm sorry, I just can't help myself. You told me to be there by 8:00, so I was there by 7:30, and I knew you wouldn't be there until at least 9:30 or 10:00.

Boy, was I wrong.

It's cool to be fashionably late, but I was really worried about you. 9:30 came, but it wasn't you. You told me you'd have a friend come along, so I wasn't upset... But I thought your friend would be there earlier, and then it would leave more time for the two of us. Yoko Casiono is lovely, but I just wanted to see you sooner.

So myself and Yoko were hanging out for a while, but I really started to get worried when she left and you still weren't there. I mean, sure, it's okay, but it was already 10:45 by then.

I started drinking. It's not your fault, I just got bored. I wanted to stay on par with you, and I didn't want to get up to relieve myself in the middle of our date... It was a terribly, awfully long line that I waited in to get my drink, and many people were getting upset.

Next time, let's meet somewhere else.

So 11:30 came and we finally connected. Wow. I really enjoyed myself, but for the last 30 minutes of our date, I really had to pee. Sorry for running off on you like that, but I had to go something fierce. I had to settle for looking at you from across the room for the last few minutes of our date, because I could not get back in the lounge, but I did wave goodbye. Because our date ran so late (it was after 1 am) there were no buses running and no cabs to be found.

I walked almost all the way home that night, Sloan. And it was cold. You should have offered me a ride or a parka... Or maybe you should have come to our date a little earlier.

But I can't stay mad at you, Sloan. I just can't. I spent more money on you that day, and I even spent more today.

Let's make our third date a little more magical... I await your return.

With Love,

Shawn Pallier
Edmonton, AB

Friday, October 27, 2006

Deceprachaun?

Okay, so I had this great idea for a halloween costume.

I was going to be an unknown Decepticon (none of these well known characters to the left here) known as "DECEPRACHAUN!!"

The basic idea is he would be an Irish-labour built transformer, and he would be part Leprechaun, part decepticon.

But you probably guessed that already.

Fortunately, many Leprechaun costume pieces were available to me. Unfortunately, no Transformer stuff was to be found.

And thus, a mere Leprechaun I will be, but a bonny one indeed!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Confounding Confusing Conservatives

Yo, check this out.

I get a memo in the mail saying that the Conservatives want to increase funding by $50 million to the arts, and that the NDP and Liberals voted against it.

Huh?

I can only imagine the real conversation went something like this:

"Alright, pitiful house!! This is HAR-POR, Your almighty leader. I would like to pass a bill that will make KICKING PUPPIES MANDATORY. Bwahhh-hahaha!!! And I want to tag on a $50 million dollar increase to the Canada Council for the Arts to give you Liberals a major headache as to whether this bill should be passed or not! Eahahahaaa!!!"

So naturally, the so-called Left would have to vote against it. I mean, kicking puppies? But the Conservatives got it passed somehow, and they only told us about the Art thing and not the abusing baby animals thing.

And that's how I see it.

Monday, October 23, 2006

An Important Message About Diet Soda

And the important message is this:

Don't try to get that cool geyser of aspartamey goodness with a Mentos that has a coated shell.

According to the boys at Mythbusters, only the original, non-coated Mentos work for the awesomeness that is a "diet pop cascade".

True, this may be old news for most of us, but I just want to make sure everyone out there knows that it only takes a minute to go down to your local corner store, buy a pack of Mentos and a two-litre of pop to impress your friends, relatives, and strangers... but I don't want anyone to make the mistake of buying anything but the white mints.

Green? No Go.

White? Big Show.

Got it? Good.

Thanks once again, Mythbusters, for bringing us the news that our moms would certainly believe would take our eyes out.

Hey, I wonder what would happen if I put a penny in there...

Check out some music:
  • Artist of the Day (in the blog section)
  • Friday, October 20, 2006

    You Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'?

    Got to be startin' somethin.

    So I've decided that I'm going to use my "myspace" page for a training ground in music journalism.

    The idea is, I will start with my ol' friend Robby Suter (lead guitar and vocals for Motive Unknown). I'll click on his profile, and pick a band to summarize from his list. I'd profile him, but his band isn't quite ready to go yet. It's still in the recruitment phase.

    Then, I'll click on a band from the list of the band I profiled first. It'll be a little journey down the path of music using Myspace.

    Should be fun. Yay. However, that means the whole "song of the day" thing that I do will be moved to the blog section of:

    http://www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

    Okay then. Peach. I mean, Peace.

    PS- I am well aware of the irony that I just said in my last post that I wanted to be an actor, yet now I'm talking about music journalism... A man can be both, can't he?

    Thursday, October 19, 2006

    Dream On

    My dream? To be a professional actor.

    Now, it's my literal dreams.

    I don't dream a heck of a lot about performing. I don't really dream about acting often enough to give it much thought. But lately, the last few nights, acting has been flooding my head.

    I had a dream several nights ago that everyone had gone to an opening night party for one of my co-actor's shows. It was also the opening night of a play I had written and directed, and for some reason, my show and his party were in the same building. Everyone was cool about it and wanted to come see my show...

    A couple of nights later, I was a voice talent for a cartoon. I was in a studio, and the work was long, but satisfying...

    Then, just last night, I had a dream I was at a debut screening of a Hollywood-budget RFT movie, starring everyone including myself. I had a small role, but it was a role with lines, which was awesome...

    It's funny that I dream within reason like that. I mean, I know it's a long shot that I'll write and direct my own show soon, or that RFT would get a Hollywood budget to produce a film, but I still feel that these "dreams" are within reach. Possible.

    I think that's cool. Sometimes, it's easy to forget just how lucky we are in Edmonton to be absolutely flooded with talent that has the potential to do some huge things. It's just the motivation hurdle that most of us have to jump.

    Now, who wants to help me make a HOLLYWOOD BUDGET MOVIE STARRING, WRITTEN, AND DIRECTED BY MEEEE!!! WHOOO!!!

    I like to dream big, too.

    Song of the Day: "Flying High Again" by Sloan. Only 1 1/2 minutes long, still cool.

    Tuesday, October 17, 2006

    A Duck-Dodgy Subject


    If there is one thing the internet has taught me and beat into my head, it is this:

    People are freaky, yo.

    I have the bonus feature of knowing how people got to "The Generalizer". I know just what keywords they typed in. For Example:

    "Shawn Pallier"
    "Thegeneralizer"
    "Shawn Pallier is hot"
    "Nude Shawn Pallier"
    "Dancing Shawn Pallier"
    "I Hate that 'tard Shawn Pallier"

    etc.

    However, quite often, people stumble across the Generalizer looking for entirely different subjects than my musings. I definitely will not share them all here, but I just have to share the most recent one. It came from Sweden... Linkoping, to be exact.

    "Sexy Marvin the Martian and Duck Dodgers".

    Now, searching for "Marvin the Martian and Duck Dodgers"?. Fine. I did once write about them. However, it wasn't a very sexy article... And hey, I shouldn't judge folks. If a picture of Marvin the Martian with lipstick and fishnet stockings is what does it for you, then I salute your uniqueness.

    Swedes. Gotta love 'em.

    Song of the Day: "Waiting for Slow Songs" by Sloan. All this loving of Sloan songs has reminded me that I haven't received my tickets in the mail yet...

    Monday, October 16, 2006

    You Look Down, Care for a Sausage?

    A quote:

    "Nobody cares more about commercials than the Palliers."
    A. Lupul, 2006

    Quite true. There's just something about advertising on radio and television that captivates me. I remember a lot about the paid plugs I see, and I never forget certain moments. Unfortunately, it's usually the shitty stuff that sticks in my brain like a tumor.

    Here are the top three moments from recent commercial history (according to me):

    1. "Jim Sokolove". I can barely hold it together when this guy comes on the boob tube. First off dude, your name sounds like "Sock o' love", which brings up all sorts of visuals, from bad porno to bad teenage habits... Second, you get some of the most asinine comments from unbelievably stereotyped actors pretending to be "winners" in your court cases- Exhibit A: The guy with the Buckwheatesque hair that says he "got the money Mama deserved". Holy shit, dude. Capital R racist.

    2. "Carl's Jr.". In this parody of an anti-smoking commercial, a guy makes it sound like he's in trouble for all the meat-smoking that he's been doing. So he's quit. He proudly states he'll now let "Carl's Jr. smoke his sausage".

    I'm sorry. I'm a very immature man. So that makes me pee myself with laughter.

    3. "Public Service Announcement, School Funding". A guy approches a young lady, she cheerfully greets him. He says to her "you seem down". She says she totally feels down about not having enough books for her classroom, and that kids in other schools have to sit on the floor... Um, bummer... But the part that sticks out the most is that this 18 year old girl is supposed to be a school teacher, the 20 year old guy is supposed to be her colleague, and the script SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT SHE "LOOKS DOWN"!" So why, oh why can we not do a second take where she is a little on the glum side instead of cheery? Bah. ACT HARDER!

    And this concludes my recent feelings on, uh, liminal messages. Yes, liminal.

    Song of the Day: "Last Time in Love" by Sloan. I'm sure some of you have figured out the reason why I choose a Sloan song every day is because I'm going to the concert on October 28. I'm happy. And "Last Time in Love" has a classic Pop song appeal that shows the true genius that Sloan collectively is.

    Sunday, October 15, 2006

    Radio With Comic Timing

    So I'm listening to the news on the radio a couple of days ago. They mention a story about a boy and sports.

    You see, the boy in the story is autistic. He plays on a baseball team. His coach isn't terribly fond of the way he plays baseball. The coach is a pussy, so instead of teaching the boy some better fundamentals, he gets a different boy on his team to throw a baseball at the autistic boy's head to hopefully injure him so that he can't play baseball any more... Or at least so he won't play that day.

    Immediately following that news story, a commercial.

    It was a little boy's voice, talking about how much he liked sports, and how (inexplicably) McDonald's has something to do with that. And the kicker: A sports-style organ solo playing the "ba-ba-ba-ba-ba... I'm lovin' it" music.

    Do-do-do-doot-da-do! Charge(s laid)!!

    Song of the Day: "People of the Sky" by Sloan. Ba-ba-bada-baaa!

    Tuesday, October 10, 2006

    Sam I Ain't.


    I noticed Sonic 102.9, Edmonton's modern rock station (for you out-of-towners who might not know about it) is running a contest in which listeners must name famous people who have the first name "Sam" based on a series of clues.

    Only one problem: The last character they were looking for wasn't named Sam.

    The clues were this: Funny laugh, chases a "wascaly wabbit", and is from California. So my guess is Elmer Fudd, except for that baffling California part...

    However, the answer was Yosemite Sam. Oh, I get it. He's from Yosemite.

    Great Horny Toads.

    I know, we who listen to the station are supposed to be too cool to know the difference. We're supposed to be so busy primping our shaggy coifs and buying vinyl from Blackbyrd to care about the subtle nuances of Looney Toons. But hey, I care about both... Not that I have much to coif or money to spend at a place where the employees won't acknowledge you if you were Lou frickin' Reed. Sorry Blackbyrd. I'm mad at Sonic, not you.

    Well, not mad at Sonic. That's going too far. I just want to chase them with two cartoonishly large guns and shoot at their feet.

    Dance.

    Song of the Day: "I Am The Cancer" by Sloan. Now that's some fuzzy guitars boys.

    Thursday, October 05, 2006

    It's that time Again When the Trees Imitate My Head

    Yes, I noticed all the leaves are off the trees surrounding my yard... And that mine are the only trees with no leaves. All my neighbour's trees? They have the mystical colours of autumn still hanging from their boughs.

    My trees? They look like a moody set from a Vincent Price movie.

    I think I was never meant to be a good yard-keeper. I've got somebody's Tim Horton's garbage on there from last winter... I just keep running it over with the lawnmower... WHOO!! Look at that paper fly!!!

    I've got the previous residents' garbage under the steps. I could probably get it out of there, but I'm a little afraid it's a human head, or a head of lettuce. Either way, ew.

    I've got the dandiest collection of weeds, and the way I keep my coniferous trees pruned? I run over the long ends with (yep, you guessed it) the lawnmower... YeeHAW!! Look at those pine needles fly!!!

    Oh trees, I'm sorry for making you prematurely bald. At least I'm no longer alone.

    Song of the Day: "Suppose They Close The Door" by Sloan. They took two songs and spliced them together for this. Unless you have the live version. Then they didn't.

    Monday, October 02, 2006

    Acting? Brilliant?

    The time has come.

    I've been putting off trying to do some theatre outside of theatresports for close to 3 years now. It's just too easy to not put in the work and find other things to do.

    Like drinking, for one. Or taking up time-consuming hobbies...

    But I found myself reading a copy of "Angels in America" today, and desire welled up inside me like some sort of Japanese Movie Monster from the pavement of Tokyo.

    It feels like cheating, reading words on a page and saying them back the same way they appear. But then I remembered that it really has nothing to do with the what the words say, it's how the words are delivered.

    And remembering all that makes me come alive. I'm going to be doing a little acting workshop, and I think I'll use a scene from "Angels in America". I want to see how we can handle this material, what with our comic leanings.

    Let's do this thing.

    Song of the Day: "I'm Not Through With You Yet" by Sloan. Leave it up to the boys to finish their album Navy Blue with a song that not only implied many years remained in them, but actually felt like that in the music too... Geah, I'm gettting too flowery today with this entry. Here, let's lighten the poetics for a moment...

    Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!!

    Friday, September 29, 2006

    Y Kant I Listen to Tori? Or Kan I?

    By the way, the opening title is an ubergeek reference to Tori Amos' original album, Y Kant Tori Read. Oh yeah, I'm a know-it-all like that.

    I wonder if womyn such as Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco would be okay with the fact that I have some of their music. I don't have a full Ani DiFranco album, but I do have a full Tori one, and I hope that they want men to listen to their music.

    Sometimes, I feel like it sure the hell wasn't written for my ears... But it's neat stuff. I mean, who else would cover Eminem like Tori does? WhEEEeeeee.... look at mama...

    Evil shit, man. Chilling, sweet.

    I'm sure neither of them like to be referred to as "feminists". I think the term is considered to be very yesterday. Like, totally 1998. Yep.

    What I'm saying in an extreme round-about way is this: I like their shit. It's good.

    That's okay with them, right?

    Song of the Day: "Bells On" by Sloan. "If you had a funeral, I'd be there with bells on". Heheh. Now that's what I call lyrics.

    Link of the Day: http://www.last.fm According to this site, Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco did a duet. A re-recorded version of perhaps Tori's most famous work, "Silent All These Years". Is that true?

    Wednesday, September 27, 2006

    Claire

    I was put on hold. They told me I would be speaking to Claire shortly.

    Claire is an automated voice response dealy.

    The machine was so busy, they put me on hold to speak to it.

    *Sigh*

    Song of the Day: "Who Taught You To Live Like That" by Sloan. Methinks the next 30 days or so will be Sloan songs. A month of Sloan if you will.

    Link of the Day: www.oliverbot.com Talk to a robot. I did.

    Sunday, September 24, 2006

    My Battle with Coke... A-Cola.

    Friends, it's time I admit something shameful.

    Despite what it does to my body, I'm addicted to Coca-Cola.

    It all started when I was a young lad, and my drink of choice used to be Orange Co-Op Pop, or Orange Happy Pop. My family and relatives liked the bargain brands, and my allowance of $5 every two weeks would not allow me to buy Orange Crush.

    So happily I drank my orange-flavoured beverages, not knowing the dark, soda-soaked future I would spiral into. Sometimes, during special occasions like the Bobtail Picnic (a big gathering of neighbours and friends near the town of Ponoka) I would drink several Pops in one day. Like 6 or 7... It was a sign of things to come.

    The years passed, and my taste for adventure kicked in. One time, when we were ordering pizza, I remember there was a big, two-litre bottle of Coca-Cola.

    I decided, "fuck orange, I want some of that stuff. I'm a big kid now".

    And it started.

    The family rules became lax. I noticed that there was always Coca-Cola in the fridge. Sure, sometimes it was Craigmont Cola, or Safeway Select Cola, but it all started to taste the same to me. Delicious.

    Soon, I was combining Cola with Doritos. I was out of control: Cool Ranch, Nacho, Zesty Cheese, and I'm sure my breath made me irresistable to the opposite sex...

    By the time I reached college, my habit was up to 3 Colas a day: Lunch, after school, and Evening. Sometimes, even more.

    I continued this habit well into last year. I had been warned several times by my dentist to "curb the pop" (that's the exact phrase he used every time). But finally, I hit the end of the road.

    My dentist said that if I stopped drinking Cola now, I might be able to save my teeth. You see, Cola has Phosphoric Acid in it, and that stuff is a virtual scouring pad on teeth. And wouldn't you know it? So is citric acid... The stuff in Orange Pop/juice/everything...

    So here I sit, with a 100% pure juice, no-sugar-added, carbonated with "Refreshe" drink consisting mainly of Cranberry juice and grape juice, the non-citric kind-of-tasty-if-you-shut-off-your-brain flavours that are safe for me to drink.

    And I still find myself missing Cola.

    Link of the Day: http://www.killercoke.org Whoa, I didn't know this stuff persay... True? False? You be the judge.

    Song of the Day: "Shadows Fall" by The Coral. Remember a time when all you had to say to prove that your were cool was "I'm into the Coral"? It worked in and around 2004-05. Really, it did. Give it a little listen at www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

    Friday, September 22, 2006

    I've Got an Idea For Your Weekend

    ... And it starts with your friday night. You don't have plans yet, right? Good.

    Here's what www.rapidfiretheatre.com says you should do:

    "The new season at THEATRESPORTS opens FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 at 11 PM. Same time, same place (Varscona Theatre, 10329-83 Ave), THAT date.

    RFT’s CHiMPROV season begins the day after, SEPTEMBER 23, with the troupes GIANT ROBOT and YOUNG GUNS!"


    So for all my buddies who always somehow find an excuse not to come (my tummy hurts, I'm tired... I'M ONLY 4!! I live in another province!), now is your chance to redeem yourselves.

    Thursday, September 21, 2006

    The King is Dead (or he resigned, I don't remember)

    So it has come to pass that King Ralph can go out undefeated.

    And that pisses me off.

    Okay, so a lot of my friends, relatives, and even my own bosses love him, so who cares what I think, right? Good. Then it's agreed. Everything I say from here forward should not make anyone upset, because all you Klein-lovers can have a big party knowing that you won.

    And Alberta lost.

    I'm not going to examine the title "King" for too long, other than it describes him perfectly: A ruler with unlimited power.

    Who else would offer 10 billion (yes, billion) dollars to any person from Japan during the mad cow crisis (if they got sick from Alberta beef)? Oh yeah, but Klein supporters know that our government has a very limited budget, and that any money cut from health care, social programs, and pretty much anything to do with a cleaner environment is totally reasonable because "There Is...No...More...Money".

    Our poor, poor province couldn't possibly put more money into those programs. After all, he never truly intended on shelling out during that beef thingie. That was just to prove a point. He wouldn't have to fork the money over, because nobody would get sick from the beef.

    Thanks Pee Wee Herman in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", you gave Ralph Klein an idea; putting up money that never has to be rewarded. But guess what? We probably could have done it.

    But then we wouldn't have a lot of money to throw at people when we went through homeless shelters, now would we?

    To get through everything he's done would make this a 10-part series.... Shutting the door on same-sex marriage, blatant descrimination on every level, problem drinking... well, maybe I shouldn't be too judgemental on that last one, but come on. He's supposed to be our Premier.

    But the dream for Conservatives is soon over in Alberta. Even a new Conservative could never fill those shoes.

    Bye now.

    Monday, September 18, 2006

    A Light Touch With Reality

    Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of traveling at the speed of light... Or at least since, like, 100 years ago and stuff.

    I think it can be done.

    Somebody told me recently that it was impossible. But Jiminy Cricket said "nothing's impossible", and he's got issues with lying, so I don't think he'd lie about that.

    Now, here's the scoop: Attempting to get the body to travel the speed of light through any traditional/cartoonish means (super-slingshot, rocket, sitting by your mama's bum) would not be the way to go. To use an overused phrase, we must think outside the box.

    We must solidify light.

    If we solidified light, we could use it as our propulsion system. Simply place ourselves in it's path, and ZOOM!! It's a go.

    Now, I realize the human body probably cannot withstand the breakneck, breakspine, and liquefy-eyes-speed of light. Therefore, we must invent a Human Turtle Shell, Or Hurtleshell, as I'm calling the prototype. And we'll need some goggles.

    Also, we'll need some sort of vehicle to sit in on our magical journey. I'm thinking a hollowed-out shell of a DeLorean would do. It's wedge-shaped enough, and makes a cheeky reference to a certain awesome trilogy...

    We would have to strengthen the DeLorean slightly with some sort of something... I don't know yet. But that's the fun of flying by the seat of your pants... Uh, I mean, seat of your modified DMC-mobile.

    Now, the real question to all this creativity is way back at the beginning: How do we solidify light? I'll take suggestions, but I'm thinking liquid acrylic would do. Surely, pouring a gigantic bucket of liquid acrylic in front of a 1,000,000 watt lightbulb might have some effect, perhaps solidifying and stretching the liquid and turning it into resin as it zips across the prairies.

    Okay, so technically, that wouldn't be solidifying light. Sue me.

    At least I've got a plan.

    Song of the Day (week): "We Don't Care" by Dan Bryk. I am really a big fan of this dude. And he put a little comment on me ol' myspace last week. Shut up. It might actually be him. Or at least I can fantasize that it was... Give it a listen: www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

    Link of the Day: http://www.delorean.com/ Sweet.

    Thursday, September 14, 2006

    ...And Scene. Picture me waving my hands downwards in an "end-of-scene" style... Picture the lights going down.

    Yes, even though it's "scene" for the Prospect Jam, it's "go" for the new season on September 22.

    It's been decided that P-Jam is gonna take a rest. Maybe it will rest for many moons. Maybe it will rest forever, and I think we should all be okay with that.

    For those who are kind of pissed, don't be. I'll miss you all being in my life every Sunday, but now you can check out some of the wicked alternatives to P-Jam.

    You just have to find them for yourselves... and of course, RFT still offers the best workshops in town.

    I think we should have an Irish Wake for the P-Jam. For those who don't know what that is, it's a drunken party celebrating the departure of a friend. 'Twill be sweet.

    Shall we name a time and place?

    Thursday, September 07, 2006

    Thinking About Billy Van


    I was flipping.

    Not out, the channels.

    And then I saw a familiar face.

    It was Billy Van, performing on "The Hilarious House of Frightenstein". Some of you might remember this show, but mostly from it's 80's syndication on CBC. Or it's 90's run on YTV. Or it's current airings on Space TV.

    Wherever you might have seen this show, one thing can be agreed on for sure: This dude is... something. Well, this dude was something. Word is he died in 2003. May he rest in peace.

    I mean, he did a whole show pretty much by himself. He played practically every character. And he could barely decide what sort of show he was doing. At times, it seemed like a children's show (what with the "Pet Vet" character and "The Count" bits, with his wacky inventions). At other times, it was obviously a show for adults (with the hilarious Oracle and messed-up Grizelda).

    Man if you haven't seen this show, give it a shot. Low budget fun. Music videos with Igor (played by Fishka Rais, the really freaky fat dude from cult classic "Cannibal Girls"... I believe he was calling himself Kingfish by then), Occasionally wickedly low-budget bits starring Mitch Markowitz as a wise-cracking Mosquito and a hard-to-describe bit where he played Superman revamped as "Superhippie", and here's the part that made it truly awesome:

    Ready for it?

    Vincent Price!

    Seriously, Vincent Price was the Host/Narrator. For the most part, he just recited poetry in that delightful voice with his piercing stare...

    Billy Van pressed on with his career, on every show you could possibly name that wasn't very good in the 70's and 80's. Here's an abbreviated list:

    The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour
    The Bobby Vinton Show
    The Sonny and Cher Show (holy crap, they did it again??)
    Circus
    Bizarre

    and of course, being a Canadian,

    The Littlest Hobo.

    This man had a dedication to sketch comedy unmatched in my estimation. May he continue to be re-shown on a different fledgling station for many generations to come.

    Link of the Day: http://www.frightenstein.com/

    Song of the Day: "Last Regrets" by Redfish. Saw them once at Urban Lounge. Very much enjoyed the show. Reminded me of Canadian Rock... Could be because they're Canadian. I added it to www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

    Tuesday, September 05, 2006

    Hasseling Hasselhoff


    So, I'm listening to Sonic the other morning. A fellow states something similar to this:

    "One of my heroes is David Hasselhoff. Anyone who can rock Germany that hard is okay in my books."

    Or something like that.

    I'm like, damn. There is no way there is one scrap of truth to those rumors. I've been hearing about them since High School. People always saying that Hasselhoff is bigger than Elvis in Germany. It never made a lick of sense to me. So finally, I looked it up.

    And my mouth was shut.

    I guess K.I.T.T.'s bitch really did have some hits in Europe. But the legend is slightly bloated. Yeah, he's got hits, but he's like Europe's Michael Bolton... Or, perhaps more accurately, Tom Jones. It's not as if 15-year-old German teens are screaming for him to have their babies.

    Their 44-year-old mothers are.

    And even though many websites contest he has "great success" throughout Europe, I can't find any proof of chart positions for his albums or singles. If anyone does, post the link in the comments.

    Link of the Day: http://www.esquilax.com/baywatch/ I guess Mitch made someone a little jealous...

    Song of the Day: "Unity" by 311. Rap Rock pioneers, they were. When the Red Hot Chili Peppers were the only ones doing this (okay, maybe Beastie Boys too).

    Friday, September 01, 2006

    An Ode to the Future.

    Mr. David Bakker.

    That's right, I'm talking to you, Mulder 007. The rest of you, please read on. Just understand that you're sitting at the table next to us at the Elephant and Castle, bystanders for our plans of self-destruction.

    Okay, they're my plans for self-destruction, David just has to agree to them.

    First, we're going to order a pitcher. Something dark. A beer-flavoured beer. Let's say, considering it's their motto, a Big Rock Traditional Ale. I prefer to call it "Trad".

    Then, we're going to order another pitcher. We'll ask Darlene to change the music.

    Then, we're going to find a club.

    Not too surprisingly, it'll be Suite 69. Yep. A good place with music from all genres and ages. Not just for 70's and 80's anymore, you are just as likely to hear "Du Hast" as you are to hear "Do the Hustle".

    Then, we're going to dance. Not with each other, near each other. To something by Daft Punk. Like two peacocks fanning their feathers, but imagine that in a less drag-queen like comparison. More like... uh...

    Two bulls showing off their nose rings.
    Two Eagles comparing bald heads.
    Two Rig Pigs comparing scars.

    Then, we're going to order another pitcher. I will request "No Diggity" by Blackstreet. Because I'll be a little hammered.

    I'll then order two shooters. I'll accidentally drink them both. I'll buy two more, and give them to you.

    We're going to find you the sweetest, finest, most intelligent, music-savvy, soft-skinned and pouty-lipped woman there, and she's going to fall in love with you... Or she'll slap you. One or the other. We really won't care.

    Because we'll be wasted.

    Happy Birthday, D. Let's tear this town a new A.

    Song of the Day: "No Diggity" by Blackstreet. Listen up here: www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

    Link of the Day: www.myspace.com/gallbrendan
    Dedicated readers will figure out why this link is the link of the day. Go on, read about him.