My Christmas Gift to You: Because I'm broke-ass.

Yeah, I'm giving you the gift of Theatre listings. Early, even!

“The Laramie Project”
Where: Eva O. Howard Theatre (Kingsway Avenue and 101 St)
When: Nov 27 - Dec 1
Who: Victoria School of Performing and Visual Arts
Website: www.victoria-school.ca
Want Tix? – 780-426-3010

“Antigone”
Where: Timms Centre for the Arts
When: Thursday Nov 29 - Dec 8 / 07
Who: Studio Theatre (U of A)
Website: www.uofaweb.ualberta.ca/drama/studiotheatre.cfm
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Cinderella”
Where: TransAlta Arts Barns
When: Dec 4 – 9 / 07
Who: Alberta Opera
Website: ao.newglobemedia.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-9000 or www.fringetheatreadventures.ca

“Sinbad the Sailor”
Where: Walterdale Playhouse
When: Dec 5 – 15 / 07
Who: Walterdale Theatre Associates
Website: www.walterdaleplayhouse.com
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“A Christmas Carol”
Where: Maclab Theatre
When: December 1 – 23 / 07
Who: Citadel Theatre
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? – 1-888-425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

“XXXmas 3: Good King WTF”
Where: TransAlta Arts Barns (10330-84 Ave)
When: Nov 22 / 07 – Dec 1 / 07
Who: Mostly Water Theatre
Website: www.mostlywatertheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-686-5960

“Bitchslap!”
Where: Theatre Network’s Roxy Theatre
When: Nov 28 - Dec 9
Who: Guys in Disguise
Website: www.guysindisguise.com
Want Tix? – 780-453-2440 and www.tixonthesquare.ca

“A Midsummer Night’s Dream”
Where: Horizon Stage (Spruce Grove, AB)
When: November 29, 30, and December 1 / 07
Who: Horizon Players
Website: www.horizonplayers.com
Want Tix? – 780-467-2121

“Story Café: Perfect Gifts”
Where: Rosie’s Bar and Grill (10475-80th Ave)
When: December 6 (7:00 – 9:00 pm)
Who: T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton
Website: www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales/
Want Tix? – 780-932-4409

“Caravan a L’Aventure (La Medicin Volant & La Colonie)”
Where: La Cite Francophone (8627 – 91 St)
When: Nov 22-25 / 07 and Nov 29 – Dec 2 / 07
Who: L’Unitheatre
Website: www.lunitheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-469-8400

“Peace, Love & Rock N Roll”
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre (16615 - 109 Ave)
When: Nov 9 / 07 – Feb 17 /08
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-483-4051 or 1-877-529-7829

“Desperate Households – 1965”
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (West Edmonton Mall)
When: Nov 2 / 07 – Jan 26 / 08
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 780-484-2424

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-0695

"Die-Nasty Season 17: Port Fort"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: every Monday night (except Dec. 24 & Jan. 31) until May 26, 2008
Who: Die-Nasty Improv
Website: www.die-nasty.com
Want Tix? – 780-707-7964

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-0695

“Language & Content”
Where: Jekyll & Hyde Pub (10610-100 Ave)
When: Last Monday of the Month (Starting November 26)
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-297-3675

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave.)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? – 780-433-3399

See Theatre!! Dude. I Mean it.

Still have to work out a few bugs. Hyperlink is being a bitch, so you'll have to cut and paste those weblinks.

“Loud & Queer Cabaret”
Where: TransAlta Arts Barns (10330 – 83 Ave)
When: November 23 – 24 / 07 (@ 7:30 pm)
Who: Workshop West Theatre
Website: www.workshopwest.org
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Antigone”
Where: Timms Centre for the Arts
When: Thursday Nov 29 - Dec 8 / 07
Who: Studio Theatre (U of A)
Website: www.uofaweb.ualberta.ca/drama/studiotheatre.cfm
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“The Wizard of Oz”
Where: Archbishop Jordan High School (2021 Brentwood Blvd in Sherwood Park, AB)
When: November 20 – 22 / 07
Who: Archbishop Jordan Theatre Department
Website: www.archbishopmacdonald.ecsd.net
Want Tix? – 780-467-2121

“A Midsummer Night’s Dream”
Where: Horizon Stage (Spruce Grove, AB)
When: November 29, 30, and December 1 / 07
Who: Horizon Players
Website: www.horizonplayers.com
Want Tix? – 780-467-2121

“Peace, Love & Rock N Roll”
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre (16615 - 109 Ave)
When: Nov 9 / 07 – Feb 17 /08
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-483-4051 or 1-877-529-7829

“XXXmas 3: Good King WTF”
Where: TransAlta Arts Barns (10330-84 Ave)
When: Nov 22 / 07 – Dec 1 / 07
Who: Mostly Water Theatre
Website: www.mostlywatertheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-686-5960

“Lost Action”
Where: John L. Haar Theatre
When: November 23 – 24 / 07
Who: Kidd Pivot
Website: www.bwdc.ca
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Caravan a L’Aventure (La Medicin Volant & La Colonie)”
Where: La Cite Francophone (8627 – 91 St)
When: Nov 22-25 / 07 and Nov 29 – Dec 2 / 07
Who: L’Unitheatre
Website: www.lunitheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-469-8400

“Desperate Households – 1965”
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (West Edmonton Mall)
When: Nov 2 / 07 – Jan 26 / 08
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 484-2424

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

"Die-Nasty Season 17: Port Fort"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Methinks every Monday? But me not sure…
Who: Die-Nasty Improv
Website: www.die-nasty.com
Want Tix? – 780-707-7964

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

“Language & Content”
Where: Jekyll & Hyde Pub (10610-100 Ave)
When: Last Monday of the Month (Starting November 26)
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 297-3675

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave.)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? - 433-3399

What's Going On?

Ah, November.

“Stuck”
Where: 3rd Space (11516-103 St)
When: Nov 1 – 10 / 07
Who: Workshop West
Website: www.worshopwest.org
Want Tix?: 420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

"Choke"
Where: Roxy Theatre (10708-124 St.)
When: Nov 1 - 18 / 07
Who: Theatre Network
Website: www.theatrenetwork.ca
Want Tix? – 453-2440 or www.theatrenetwork.ca

“What the Butler Saw”
Where: Timms Centre for the Arts (87 Avenue & 112 Street)
When: Nov 1 – 10 / 07
Who: U of A BFA Graduating Class
Website: www.uofaweb.ualberta.ca/drama/upcomingperformances.cfm
Want Tix? - 420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Desperate Households – 1965”
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (West Edmonton Mall)
When: Nov 2 / 07 – Jan 26 / 08
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 484-2424

“Vimy”
Where: Citadel Theatre (@ the MacLab Theatre)
When: Oct 20 – Nov 11 / 07
Who: The Citadel Theatre
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? - 425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

"Nashville Outlaws"
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
When: Aug 31 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 483-4051 or www.mayfieldtheatre.ca

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

“Language & Content”
Where: Jekyll & Hyde Pub (10610-100 Ave)
When: Last Monday of the Month (Starting November 26)
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 297-3675

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave.)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? - 433-3399

"Almost, Maine"
Where: Shadow Theatre
When: Oct 18 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Shadow Theatre
Website: www.shadowtheatre.org
Want Tix? – 434-5564

Playing Now and Soon

Now, I'm seeing into the future with some of Edmonton's upcoming Theatre events... OOOOooooOOOooo. Because it's almost Halloween. Yep. Seeing into the future is kind of spooky, right?

"Stories from Our Black Books"
Where: Catalyst Theatre
When: October 11-27 /07
Who: Live Theatrical Venues Company
Website: www.storiesfromourblackbooks.com
Want Tix? - 1-888-222-6608 or www.ticketweb.ca

"I, Claudia"
Where: Citadel Theatre (@ the Rice Theatre)
When: October 9 - 27 /07
Who: Liisa Repo-Martell
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? - 425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

"Choke"
Where: Roxy Theatre (10708-124 St.)
When: Oct 30 - Nov 18 / 07
Who: Theatre Network
Website: www.theatrenetwork.ca
Want Tix? – 453-2440 or www.theatrenetwork.ca

”God’s Favoured Child: A Rant”
Where: Living Room Playhouse (11315-106 Ave)
When: Until Oct 27
Who: Azimuth Theatre
Website: www.azimuththeatre.com
Want Tix? - 454-0583.

"29"
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (West Edmonton Mall)
When: Aug 17 – Oct 28 / 07
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 484-2424

"Nashville Outlaws"
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
When: Aug 31 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 483-4051 or www.mayfieldtheatre.com

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

“The Bacchae 2.1 and The Chimes”
Where: Black Box Theatre Lab (10045-156 St.)

When: Oct 24-28 / 07

Who: MacEwan Centre for the Arts

Website: http://www.macewan.ca/theatrearts

Want Tix? - www.tixonthesquare.ca or at the door

“Language & Content”
Where: Jekyll & Hyde Pub (10610-100 Ave)
When: Last Monday of the Month (Starting November 26)
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 297-3675

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave.)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? - 433-3399

”Urban Tales 10: BiFurious”
Where: Northern Light Theatre
When :Oct 26 & 27 / 07
Who: Northern Light Theatre
Website: www.northernlighttheatre.com
Want Tix? - 471-1586 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

"Almost, Maine"
Where: Shadow Theatre
When: Oct 18 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Shadow Theatre
Website: www.shadowtheatre.org
Want Tix? – 434-5564

"Little Women"
Where: John L Haar Theatre
When: Oct 19 – 27 / 07
Who: Grant MacEwan Theatre Arts
Website: www.macewan.ca/theatrearts
Want Tix? – 420- 1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

"You Are Here"
Where: Walterdale Playhouse
When: Oct 17 – 27 / 07
Who: Walterdale Playhouse Society
Website: www.walterdaleplayhouse.com
Want Tix? – 420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

What's REALLY Playing

First, I must say, sorry for the piss-poor first entry. Second, holy Jeebus, there's a lot of theatre going on in this town. See something. Promise me.

"Stories from Our Black Books"
Where: Catalyst Theatre
When: October 11-27 /07
Who: Live Theatrical Venues Company
Website: www.storiesfromourblackbooks.com
Want Tix? - 1-888-222-6608 - www.ticketweb.ca

"I, Claudia"
Where: Citadel Theatre (@ the Rice Theatre)
When: October 9 - 27 /07
Who: Liisa Repo-Martell
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? - 425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com
"Duck, Duck, Bang: an aerial musical spectacle"
Where: TransAlta Arts Barns (@ the Westbury Theatre)
When: October 11 – 21 / 07
Who: Firefly Theatre
Website: www.fireflytheatre.com
Want Tix? - 409-1910 or www.fringetheatreadventures.ca

"29"
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (West Edmonton Mall)
When: Aug 17 – Oct 28 / 07
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 484-2424

"L’Homme Invisible / Invisible Man
Where: La Cite Francophone
When: October 18 - 20 /07
Who: L’Unitheatre
Website: www.lunitheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 469-8400 or 420-1757

"Nashville Outlaws"
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
When: Aug 31 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 483-4051 or www.mayfieldtheatre.com

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

"Almost, Maine"
Where: Shadow Theatre
When: Oct 18 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Shadow Theatre
Website: www.shadowtheatre.org
Want Tix? – 434-5564

"Little Women"
Where: John L Haar Theatre
When: Oct 19 – 27 / 07
Who: Grant MacEwan Theatre Arts
Website: www.macewan.ca/theatrearts
Want Tix? – 420- 1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

"You Are Here"
Where: Walterdale Playhouse
When: Oct 17 – 27 / 07
Who: Walterdale Playhouse Society
Website: www.walterdaleplayhouse.com
Want Tix? – 420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

Show Me Whachoo Got (bless me.)

Playing in Edmonton and surrounding area. Now. Seriously.

"Stories from Our Black Books"
Where: Catalyst Theatre
When: October 11-27 /07
Who: Live Theatrical Venues Company
Website: www.storiesfromourblackbooks.com
Want Tix? - 1-888-222-6608 - www.ticketweb.ca

"I, Claudia"
Where: Citadel Theatre (@ the Rice Theatre)
When: October 9 - 27 /07
Who: Liisa Repo-Martell
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? - 425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

This ain't it. I'm just tired and want to go to bed. Can't wait to get your show listed? E-mail me at spallier@hotmail.com , or leave a comment.

Put on your Top Hat and TIE.

So, I've been trying to find out what's going on in Edmonton, theatre-wise, from one source, and I didn't find one that could tell me everything.

So I'm making a source.

Right now, it's just for me and anyone else who might discover this. And if you stumble across this page and you see your theatre group is not in the links, tell me about it. Put a comment somewhere and let me know.

And hey, if there is an all-incompassing theatre guide out there already, let me know. Because this is going to be a lot of work, and I'm kind of lazy. And yes, I know about See/Vue/The Edmonton Journal/blah blah blah. I'm talking about a one-track minded theatre magazine/newsletter. The kind I want to make, but don't want to roll my eyes and stab myself in the neck when I find out there already is one. The Nightlife Poster doesn't count.

The Secret?

My friends, I'm one of the many people who had more than one person in their life that wanted to introduce me to "The Secret".

Without going into big time details, it's the power of positive thinking and visualizing yourself achieving goals. Oh, and the doctors/researchers/generally hairy mystics who want you to live by "The Secret" try to make it sound much more difficult than just that, so maybe you'll have to buy their publications/videos/hemp clothes (but definitely not razors) to make yourself more one with "The Secret".

Well guess what? Those unique-framed glasses-wearing ladies and gents are coming to our fair city to spread their wisdom and patchouli. And who did they pick for for their promoters?

Panhandle and Trickstar Productions... could the names of their promoters be more perfectly picked?

Oh, irony. You are my favourite mistress.

A Confession: Theatre Buff? No.

I'm comfortable with finally admitting it: I don't go to live theatre.

It's a mistake I plan on fixing with the upcoming theatre season. It's not some sort of weird obligation that I'm feeling, it's really a strong desire to start enjoying what my friends are doing. I mean, it's not like I've never gone to live theatre. It's just that I go about as often as I go to hockey games or weddings... So, like, once or twice a year.

There's only so long that I can continue to be uninvolved in the world that I constantly continue to educate myself in. I've been to College, University, private academies and Workshops, workshops, workshops, all so that I could be an actor. I have spent at least 4 years of my life training and fighting and sweating and losing my hair (that could just be a coincidence) to be involved in and enjoy theatre, and if that means watching it and appreciating it from the sidelines, then so be it.

I've got a lot of good choices coming up. Out of those 60(!!!) theatre companies/co-ops operating in the city, there's bound to be some reeking of awesomeness. Here's what I've found so far for September:

A Beautiful View @ the Roxy Theatre (Theatre Network) September 20-October 7.

The Busy World is Hushed @ The Third Space (Northern Light Theatre) Sept. 14-30

The Maids @ Timms Centre for the Arts, (Studio Theatre) September 20-29

Nashville Outlaws @ Mayfield Dinner Theatre August 31-November 4

Noises Off @ The Shoctor Theatre (Citadel) September 22-October 14

Pub Night Variety Show @ Jeckyl and Hyde Pub (Image Theatre) September 22-23

Scythe @ Catalyst Theatre (Dammitdance Theatre) September 20-30

Sexy Laundry @ Varscona Theatre (Shadow Theatre) September 20-30

Theatresports @ Varscona Theatre (Rapid Fire Theatre) Every Friday Sept 22 thru July 27

CHiMPROV @ Varscona Theatre (Rapid Fire Theatre) Every Saturday Sept 23 thru July 28

Die-Nasty Soap-A-Thon @ Varscona Theatre September 14-16

29 @ Jubilations Dinner Theatre August 17-October 28

Will the Real Alberta Please Stand Up? (Artist on Rails) September 13... And this one's on a train from Edmonton to Jasper...

Anyone got anything else?

Pub Night Variety Show @ Jeckyl and Hyde Pub (Image Theatre) September 22-23

Painting the Picture... Poorly.

I can't help but notice that some signs have gone up in and around the south side of Edmonton. All of them proudly say "PAINTING" and the lady or gentleman's telephone number boldly displayed underneath.

All these signs feature an attractive shade of blue poster board, and to contrast this, the artist has written on the sign with snowy white letters.

He has chosen a folksy paintbrush: One that leaves brush marks and drips, creating an "Aw Shucks, Mr. Wilson" down-home feel. Or maybe a "Very Good, My lil' Special Guy" nuance. Some might even say that if the artist was painting with their brush firmly shoved in his or her mouth/toes/[insert random naughy orifice here], that would be a top-drawer job.

Just yesterday, I saw a man stealing one of the signs... Perhaps to sell it on eBay, or to put it in their gallery (art or facebook, you choose). Nevertheless, it will always remind me of what it really means to make a simple advertisement unforgettable: Irony.

Generally Unfastened.

July 6, 2007 was my last day with a company called General Fasteners Ltd.

I was an Order Picker for them, which means this: I drive around a warehouse on a forklifty-type thing, and I get the items that customer needs. I learned how to drive a Pacer (traditional-looking forklift, but the kind you stand in), a Reach Truck (modified stand-up forklift that can "reach" forward with it's forks), and a picker (the forks come off the back, and you put a skid there, and you load 'er up). Sounds easy, right?

Well, yes and no.

You see, most customers don't want a whole skid of stuff. So when you pull up to the product you're supposed to pick in the warehouse, you have to take the items down without the help of a machine. That's right. I used those big, burly arms of mine to lift 50 to 120 pound boxes and coils of steel.

But come on, how many people order coils of steel, right?

Oh, about 10 companies a day. Usually they order 1200 pounds or so, but sometimes it's only just over 100.

On Friday, June 29th, I couldn't stand, sit or lie down because I'm an idiot. I felt the back pain coming on, but I didn't do anything about it.

It's a helpless feeling, laying in a pool of sweat, not having the slightest ability to move. But it got me in a reflective mood. Laying there, I tried to make a top 10 list of things that should have gotten me disciplined, but didn't, because they understood that I wasn't much of a warehouse dude...

1. I hit the rack over by the Packaging material so hard, I bent the metal and broke the plastic hood of the picker.

2. I backed into the loading dock door and put a dent in it (by the way David, that's the door that has broken twice since I arrived. Hee hee).

3. I tried to load 1200 pounds of steel by putting one fork under the stack of coils and balancing it over to the truck (It almost fell).

4. I tried to load 1200 pounds of steel the right way and it did fall.

5. I dropped a roll of packaging tape and then ran over it... for about 30 feet.

6. I dropped a case of Industrial Adhesive from at least 30 feet up in the air.

7. I contracted dyslexia and often picked the wrong product from the wrong area, and once picked 48" cardboard instead of 84" cardboard (that's a big difference).

8. I clipped the rack with my forks on my second last day, taking off the paint and nearly the fork.

9. Sometimes, I did some pretty dangerous shit, only to realize I'd forgotten to do up my safety harness... Like the very last item I picked on my very last day. Top shelf (which is roughly the height of the second floor of an office building) backwards and 2 feet away, I wobbled over to two heavy boxes, nearly tripped, and then on the way back saw that I wasn't clipped to my picker at all... oops.

10. I nearly killed a customer when I got worried I was going to hit something, so I accelerated towards him at top speed, stopping short of his shins by about 4 centimeters.

Yes. Not much of a warehouse dude at all. I'll be starting at Van Leeuwen Pipe and Tube on Monday. Back to being a Salesman for me. It's what a manly man like me was designed to do.

My brain is Bleeding from the Originality!!!

That new movie with the cutie patootie penguiy wenguiys is advertising itself as "The Most ORIGINAL Animated Movie EVER!!!"

Yes. because we didn't just watch Madagascar, Happy Feet, March of the Penguins, Farce of the Penguins, or any of those videos where the penguins trip, push, or fall face first into the ice. Penguins are perhaps the most original idea anyone has ever had this side of Pluto.

Gimme an O.
Gimme an R.
Gimme an I.
Gimme a G.
Gimme another I.
Gimme an N.
Gimme an A.
Gimme an L.

What's that spell?

High School Unclassified

I just wrote this letter to a friend of mine from High School. There's a reunion on the 9th. And this is me thinking out loud.

"Oh, how I did at one time want to do the reunion. But it's funny how a bit of bad news can bum out a whole summer... The moving thing is just not working for me anymore. Since I came back to Edmonton in '99, I've lived in 6 different places. I know, that's not a lot, but it's too much moving for me. Now I'll be dodging bullets in Millwoods, because frankly, it was the only part of the city I could afford.

I know myself too well, and I won't be in the right mindset for seeing folks again. I'll be all awkward and hangdogish, mumbling about how I still don't have a grown-up job and have auditioned for a grand total of 4 productions in 10 years, so I sabotaged my own acting career... Then I'd realize I was being Captain Pity Party and talking about myself too much, and then I'd try to puff up my chest and talk about the workshops I teach and the whole Theatresports experience being nice. And then I'd realize I was still talking about myself.

And then I'd get paranoid that everyone was looking at my sunburnt bald spot.

And then I would roll my eyes, realizing that not everyone is looking at me, of course.

I think I want to be a little more calm, and have a little less things on my mind... Oh, and about the Employee Lunch in September, call this number: 448-0695. The good folks at Rapid Fire Theatre would do that kind of thing and would impress as much as they entertain.

Sorry for gushing. Long day."

Hence, the lack of new posts. Not in the mood, and they would all sound this annoying and whiny if I made them regularly. So when I feel less like this, I'm going to post so many notes, 3M would be jealous.

Did I mention the decreasing quality of my jokes lately?

Edmonton's "Killers" are slipping...

Anyone who's taken a stroll down Whyte Avenue in the past few months has probably noticed a couple of young gents who have chosen to consistently make a Rockstaresque attire choice.

That's right: The two guys dressed up like the missing members of "The Killers". You can't help but notice as a guy in snakeskin biker boots, tight leather pants, faux-cowboy shirt and a moustachio that would make a 70's porn star blush walks by with a leisure-suit-wearing, white alligator-shoe-sporting, sometimes-wearing-non-prescription-glasses Beau-Brummel-wannabe. And I don't mean the band, I mean the guy... You know, George Bryan Brummel, the 19th century Dandy/Fop. I guess I could've just said Dandy...

Point being, if you choose to be a Rock Star, you ARE a Rock Star. You can't walk around in the public eye, dressed to the nines and flashing smiles, when the next day, you wear something frightfully average. You'll be lambasted by the press & tabloids. So guess what boys? I'm going to play the role of tabloid...

Today, "The Killers" were caught walking down Whyte Avenue, one wearing an undersized blue and red zippy from the 80's with rather baggy jeans, whereas the other was wearing what appeared to be a shoddy leather and suede vest without a shirt(!) and something forgettable for pants and shoes. Boys, today was disappointing.

My ladyfriend suggested that it must have been laundry day... tsk tsk. I expect a trip to Decadence will cure this lacklustre performance. Besides, you need something new for the Raveonettes... Don't disappoint your public.

This Script is Hard to Improvise...

I've now watched 3 episodes of "Thank God You're Here".

Here's what I think about it.

Okay, so the producers found a game from the world of Improvisation that they enjoy. The old "put-an-actor-in-a-situation-they-know-nothing-about" bit. The idea is that the improvisers don't know what the set looks like, who is going to be in the scene, and what will be said.

And that would all work, if the other actors were doing a little more improvising when they are SUPPOSED TO!!

Yes, I get it. There's a whole bunch of gaggy gags they have to get to, so they can't have someone coming up with something that's not in the script(!)... For example, they ask Harland Williams, who is playing an Explorer (dressed up as Sherlock Holmes(?)) to show the latest slide show of his findings. He explains that the first slide is the original photo of Janet Jackson for the "Rolling Stone Magazine" spread where she was topless, but that dude was holding her bosoms... Naturally, the little primitive statue in the slide is topless and quite funnily unlike Janet Jackson... But the other "improviser" in the scene continues with the original scripted joke and says "Uh, this statue has magical powers... Uh, what were they again?"

Yes, yes, yes. Here and there, the other improvisers are improvising, but it's moments like this that need to get fixed. There were many examples, but I think you get the picture. I think once the scene begins, everyone should just be spontaneous and see where the scene takes them... It doesn't have to be Pimp-o-mania... Just forcing the special guest to tell jokes.

And perhaps the producers would argue that they are not trying to do a "purist" improvisational show (obviously), and I can stick my opinion where the ratings don't shine, but I couldn't help but notice that the show already got moved to a new time and day...

Oh, and casting. Take true advantage of Dave Foley. I think we have a man who can be a truly harsh judge, not just a sunshine-blower. If Brian Posehn is having a hard time, he's having a hard time. Give it to 'em. He's a pro, he can take it... I'm pretty sure Mr. Foley is on a tight leash. I think it should be loosened.

... and You Will Know Me By The Trail of Unfinished Projects

It is one hell of a thing, writing about something that really happened.

Writing about someone that close to you.

I haven't written anything new recently. But I did receive a chain e-mail that warned me "Send this on within 300 seconds or your MOM will DIE!!"

Ha. Joke's on them.

I don't really know if it's okay to have a sense of humor about tragedy. I'm not sure who I offend when I say things like that... It's a very similar sensation to when somebody close to you passes and you feel like you committed the greatest sin by being relieved.

Relieved that they don't have to be in pain any more. Relieved that there might even be an afterlife where they can be at peace. Or even so far as relieved that they might get a second chance in a new life, if that's your thing... But where it starts to feel awful is the relief that you yourself don't have to worry, agonize, and stress yourself out any more about that person... You no longer have to wonder when they will get better, or when they'll get worse. It's the most selfish and crumpling feeling I've ever had.

It was April 6, 2000 when she took her own life. My mother. And it's easy to remember because I love music, and all news I hear is about Kurt Cobain on the 8th. I want to make the most appropriate tribute possible, but it's hard to know just what that is. A play? I want it to be, but then I was watching an old rerun of The Simpsons, And when Lisa was failing at Tap Dancing, Marge and Homer told her that she could still make it big on Broadway by writing a "depressing play" about "coming to terms with things"... No why the hell do I take personal offense to something said on a comedy show over 10 years ago?

I really want it to be somehow uplifting. But it will be what it will be. And it won't be anything if I don't step it up.

Oh yeah, and once I'm finished writing my play, all I've got left is a 2000+ Band Directory I want to have online, a comedy duo that does simultaneous tributes to two different musicians (I'll explain that better some day), and a complete personal and career makeover that I'm going to have to explore before my 10 year High School reunion in June.

But I'm okay. I just needed to burn off some typing steam.

Workshop it Out

So, I told my Improv Spring-breakers that I'd post a little info about the Whitemud Crossing workshop. Even if you didn't take the workshop, you might find something interesting in the process, so please, join us.

We started off with a little round of "Whoosh!", or whatever you call it... Heck, it's the improv world, so it probably has some nutty name like "Barbra-Ann" or "Mitzy", but for the sake of memory, let's call it Whoosh. Mostly just an energy warm-up, I find it also brings the spontaneous side of the brain alive. By that, I mean it's a good starting point for doing things without thinking too much about consequences and if what you are doing is "good" or "acceptable"... This lead into "Pass the Anything", where we started to accept creative offers of others by receiving an imaginary item the same way it was passed to us. We then turned it into something entirely new. It's always been one of my favorites.

We moved on to "Yes, Lets!", a game where the only rule is that we must accept enthusiastically the suggestions of others and do the activity suggested with full commitment. I like using this early on because of all the fundamentals it has in it: Spontaneity (shouting a random activity without premeditating it), accepting (always saying yes, which is important to the beginner improv artist), commitment (doing every activity to the fullest) and not questioning each other (making the other improviser look good by committing to the task they suggested). I'm sure there's even more good in this game.

Next up: "What are you Doing?", an activity where two improvisers make constant offers to each other, making both create a reality based on a simple activity. This game can be used to help reinforce how the mundane is a great place to start in a scene. We don't have to be blasting off to outer space. We could be tying a shoe. An extra challenge to add to this is to say a platform must be set up; Each suggestion should have a Who, What and Where. For example:

A: "What are you doing?"
B: "I'm eating breakfast in the kitchen before my high school midterm".

Person B doesn't have to say "I'm a student eating breakfast in the kitchen", they can allow us to figure who they are by just being clear. We did not attempt this version of "What are you doing" for the workshop, but it's worth a try if you have a chance.

We took a little break. When we came back, I took out the pool noodles. I use them for something called "This is my...", in which participants take turns imagining the pool noodle as anything but. They announce what it is, and then they must use it as that item. Really good for developing the creative and imaginative side in my opinion.

It was then time for some character work. I love the fact that characters allow freedom to the actor, in that they are no longer confined to what they personally would do, it's now all about what the character does. I showed everyone a little trick in which you lead yourself with various parts of the body to change your posture and frame of mind: those who were there know what I mean. We played a fast and furious version of "Hitchhiker", in which the actors come up with characters on the spot and are driven to destinations, allowing for some conversation along the way. It's an interesting way to lead into relationships, but for the most part, the meetings in "Hitchhiker" are between strangers... which can certainly develop a relationship, but I save that for the next little item...

"Fairy tale in a Minute". Finally, a story. Some might wonder why this game. I use it because we have a simple story that everyone should have a basic understanding of, and we put a time constraint on it so that we start seeing the game side of improv as well as making sure all dialog is to-the-point. Also, the relationships and status in these stories are mostly already understood, so there doesn't tend to be battles among improvisers for attention or importance. It also makes for a clear beginning, middle and end, so is a good beginner narrative tool. People can totally argue this stuff with me, but that's what I've found about this game in my experience. We chose Cinderella, and honestly, I have never done a workshop where the group didn't choose Cinderella. Can't explain that, other than maybe it has a Fairy in it, and that subconsciously influences folks to suggest it. Just before we did our "Cinderella in a Minute", we did a little story-from-scratch stuff by doing a tap-out monologue and a conducted story... We also touched on some popular ask-for's/suggestions from the audience, like asking for:

- an occupation
- a non-geographical location
- what is in my hand (the improviser holding an imaginary, un-formed object)
- a relationship between two people
- an emotion

et cetera, etc. etc.

It wrapped up well. The improvisers shared the stage, weren't selfish, and worked like a team. All around, the smoothest workshop I've been a part of yet. Thanks, if you all came by to read.

Any senior/junior/beginner improviser/person can certainly discuss the validity of any of the games and activities if they would like in the comments section or they can e-mail me at:

spallier@hotmail.com

Links of Non-Sausage & Boxing

Before you read, check out my new links. Yeah, you get to read of the misadventures of Trish, Ang, and Jeff. It'll be fun.

I decided on a new feature. It goes a little something like this: I throw my hand into a shoebox full of Atari games, and whatever one I pull out, I have a little chat about what I remember about it. Today, I have picked:

BOXING: Realsports Series

This was a game initally intended for the Atari 2600, but lucky me, the Atari 7800 is 2600 compatible. So I was able to enjoy minutes upon minutes of fun, helping a black guy beat up a white guy, or vice versa. It seemed to be the old Atari formula: White man versus Black man. I guess it was just easier to make the distinction... However, on the cover, it actually shows a Black guy socking it to a less-Black guy, so maybe my memory is a little hazy...

I do certainly remember that 5 people watch the match, well, 5 peg-like people who pulsate up and down if the action grows. The sound gets louder the more of a pounding you lay into each other. You can punch for the head or the breadbasket. That's it.

If you win, you bounce off the 4 ropes repeatedly, walking on top of your opponent as you go. Your opponent will lay diagonally, knees crooked, motionless. And the 10-count is hideously fast. It is however, a technological breakthrough that the part of the body you hit actually matters in this 1988 classic. It will move appropriately when your stick-like arms strike. The sound, however, regardless of what you hit, sounds like a ping-pong ball being shot at a steel plate in a hermetically sealed room.

I actually played this game (and many others) against a regular reader. So what do you say, Al? Time for me to hook up the old dinosaur so we can go another few rounds?

Cover Your Heads: The Conclusion

The show is now complete. Things went smooth, except for the fact that my playlist said we were going to spin Social Distortion, not Johnny Cash, but hey, whatever. These things happen.

Here's useless information for my last 4 songs on my "Top 20" list. You now know that 3 of these 4 were chosen. Here we go:

17. METISYAHU - Message in a Bottle
Original artists The Police seem to be back together, so doest this mean the end of Klark Kent? Although apparently, Stewart Copeland has never admitted to being Klark Kent, or, at times, Klerk Kant, it's definitely him. The only song under this alter ego to get any airplay was "Away from Home".

18. RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE - Renegades of Funk
This one comes from the man who brought us "Planet Rock". Afrika Bambaataa has been hiding his age since day one. He has yet to reveal his exact date of birth... Although, if my sources are correct, he's going to be 50 years old as of April.

19. FOO FIGHTERS - Baker Street
The original artist of Baker Street was Gerry Rafferty, and most people know him better as the lead singer for Stealers Wheel, that band that did "Stuck in the Middle". Guitar replacing saxophone in this update? Much, much better.

20. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS - Love Rollercoaster
Initially recorded by the Ohio Players, a band that was once part of a scandal over this very song: An urban legend states that the model from the cover of the album was murdered in the studio when she complained about the honey burns she received from the photo session. Fans were led to believe that either the manager of the band killed her, or some random intruder did when she came to complain... You can hear her screams right on the track, listeners state. Hee hee.

Hope you liked the show, if you listened. If not, I love you anyway.

Cover Your Heads Part IV

Okay, so tomorrow's the big day. And only one of the songs on today's list will be played... Can YOU guess which one? First right answer gets my shares in Microsoft (seeing that I don't have any, but what a generous offer if I did).

13. NIRVANA - The Man Who Sold the World
Initially by David Bowie, and everyone knows that guy has been everything from an Androgynous Alien to a Plastic Soulster, but not everyone knows that he was once living in a Buddhist Monastery. He was also a mime in the early days, perhaps explaining his penchant for makeup.

14. COWBOY JUNKIES - Sweet Jane
I was always far more familiar with the Cowboy Junkies version than the Velvet Underground one, so I was super-depressed to discover that 54-40's "Crossing a Canyon, one of my favorite songs, is a tissue paper-thin near exact copy of the original. Listen for yourself someday.

15. 5,6,7,8's - Woo Hoo
To complicate things, there are two bands called the Rock-a-Teens (this song's first performers), and I'm talking about the 1950's band, just for the record. It's a total mess in books and websites trying to get info on this classic primitive band. Fans of the Movie "Pecker" would have heard the initial cut of this song already, and realized that not every all-girl Japanese band has an amazing talent for writing their own brand of rockabilly... or any music at all, for that matter.

16. CAPTAIN TRACTOR - London Calling
Chart success came late in America for original artists, The Clash. Not only did it come late at first, it also came very late when in 1991 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?", a former Modern Rock Door song, hit high after being used in a Levi's Commercial...

So blow the dust off your radios, friends. Tune into your friendly neighborhood Shawn tomorrow, and if you're not in Edmonton, listen on:
radiosonic.fm