The Generalizer

Lava Lamp: Wheat, Barley, or Wax Ale?

2009-05-23T00:31:00.002-06:00

I was fixing up my "office" in the house today... And the black cap from my lava lamp fell off the top.

I discovered underneath a bottle cap holds the liquid in, and it got me to thinking: Am I supposed to drink the 14-year-old liquid inside?

Should I heat it up first? I mean, the wax does need to be melty in order for me to guzzle, right?

And then it said it, right on the lid "Do Not Ingest".

Oh. Mystery solved.

Manifesting my What?

2009-04-11T15:30:00.002-06:00

It might surprise some of you to know I actually went to school to become an actor. Maybe I got a little eccentric and full of myself sometimes. Here's my Bio from the program for 1998's "Viewer Discretion", done at Keyano Recital Theatre:

"Manifesting his exigency, Shawn E. Pallier cogitates his existence as an edictor after realizing he has performed as an immoral transvestite twice now at separate Keyano functions. Grasping at dignity, Shawn envisions a hell where maggots eternally digest his rotten body while a dove of death pecks at his heart. I love widdle fuzzy bunnies."

Clever, wasn't I? Clever at opening a thesaurus, no doubt.

On Childish Name-calling... and Billy Bob Dorkton.

2009-04-09T21:44:00.002-06:00

Yeah, that's right Billy Bob. If I called you "Billy Bob Dorkton" or "Booby Blob Simpleton", I'd expect you to be pissed right off.

But Oscar-winning screenwriter, actor and director?

I know, I know, what a terrible thing to be called. And maybe Jian did say you'd been "sidetracked" by your Hollywood career, but always intended on music. WAY out of line, Jian... if you could hear my voice, you'd hear the sarcasm.

I've been called plenty of things throughout my endeavors in acting. I've been told I'm not a real actor, I'm not a real director, hell, I've been told I'm not a real writer. I've been told I can't dance, can't sing, and shouldn't "try so hard" and "be so desperate". I've had roommates tell me i "stole their dreams" from them when I was successful. I've been called an egomaniac, selfish, and lazy.

And I've never believed a word of it.

Oh sure, I was hurt. And maybe for a little while, I took a little look at myself. But I always liked what I saw, and tried to improve on the little things and not let anyone stand in my way.

But Billy Bob Thornton. I hope that we are all misunderstanding you, and that something really serious happened in your life that you're not willing to share. And you were waiting for the chance to let all your anger out on someone. Someone who said something, anything, that might be considered offensive to you.

In fact, I forgive you. I was going to rant about what a detached and socially inept void you were. How anyone like you could not realize how incredibly lucky someone like me might think you are, doing everything that you love, making a comfortable financial living, and understanding that the consequence is ironic... You don't deserve to be judged by people like me, but for some reason, the public lives vicariously through the famous, and this kind of thing, the way you treated Jian, is just not acceptable in the public's eye.

You know what? It's not because you're famous that I'm so sickened by the way you feel entitled to treat someone like that. It's that I don't like seeing human beings treat each other that way. I'm sorry that you have to be my example.

As you can tell, I'm having a hard time deciding how you make me feel. I really do hope that you aren't so deluded that you think anyone "deserves" to be treated any particular way because they inadvertently hurt your feelings.

A "magician" once pulled me aside and berated me for spoiling one of his "magical illusions". You want to know how I knew about it? I saw it on Camp Caribou, the public access children's show. CHILDREN'S SHOW. Billy Bob Thornton? To me, you are the "magician" who made his hand turn a 360, and then got mad at someone who knew how it was done... by the way Magic dude, I'm glad we don't bump into each other any more.

Oscar-winning screenwriter, actor and director? I've heard worse.

He could have called you the star of the re-make of "Bad News Bears", the voice of "Hounddog McDog", or he could have said you were on the Marquee of "Manure".

Now that's what I call name-calling.

Creativity and Dreams. Married at last.

2009-03-13T22:23:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, you just have to create a fake album cover.

Very cathartic.

I'll just get up here on this Soapbox...

2009-03-11T12:24:00.001-06:00

Sonic recently had a Survey, and they asked if I had anything to tell them.

I did.

Consider the level of total music obsession some of your listeners have. I've called in a couple of times to complete disdain from DJs my music requests when it's quite obvious Sonic is considering playing most of those artists (Flaming Lips (other than She Don't Use Jelly), Ben Folds, Matthew Sweet, etc) but aren't too sure how their primarily(? not sure if the following statement is true) 14-22 year old audience would react.

If you play Big Audio Dynamite and Jim Carroll, you must know we're out there. And I think you've lost contact with a lot of us.

Truth moment? I've heard several of my friends don't listen any more. They're tired of some of the over-played stuff that the Bear is playing already (Linkin Park, Three Days Grace, Disturbed, Papa Roach... already heard them before Sonic, would tune into 100.3 if I wanted to hear them). I do understand the quandary though; there is definitely a fan base that would be just as pissed if those bands airtimes were diminished, so I know you can't please everyone. I just had to get that off my chest.

My thought? I know people like me already have Farm Fresh, but I think we deserve another hour. A program that dedicated itself to the geekier side of Modern Rock. For people like me (I know I'm not alone) who own Mates of State albums, who think Vampire Weekend are the greatest thing since sliced bread, who lament the sudden absence or lack of Spoon, Flobots, The Weakerthans and The Dears, and who KNOW Modern Rock pioneers like Morrissey still make new albums, and are totally aware of the Adulty-Modern rock movements including artists like Sharon Jones, Beirut... blah blah blah.

That's what I had to tell you at Sonic. You can all roll your eyes collectively at this one. I know it was a little self-righteous and ranty, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

Your New Year's Resolution? See at Least one of these Every Month: (Yeah, Yeah. This is only part of January. Smartass.):

2009-01-03T10:58:00.007-07:00

"The Play About The Baby" (Image Theatre)
Roxy Theatre (10708 124 Street)
Previews January 6 & 7, January 8-18, 2009
Tickets: 780-453-2440 or www.tixonthesquare.com
www.attheroxy.com

"10 Days of Madness Playwriting Festival" (University of Alberta)
TransAlta Arts Barns (24-hour contest: Dinwoodie on the U of A campus)
January 8-17, 2009
Information: Melissa at 780-718-6583
www.bookstore.ualberta.ca

"Monthly STORY CAFE: Laugh Like the Devil" (T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton)
Rosie's Bar and Grill (10475- 80 Ave)
January 8, 2009 @ 7 pm
Tickets: At the Door; Pay What You Will ($6 minimum)
www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales/

"Monthly TELLAROUND" (T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton)
The City Arts Centre (10943 84 Ave)
January 9, 2009 @ 8 pm
Tickets: At the Door; First time free. Subsequent admission $3.
www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales/

"Scorched"(Citadel Theatre)
Rice Theatre (Inside the Citadel: 9828 101A Avenue)
January 10 – February 1, 2009
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or:
www.citadeltheatre.com

"Die-Nasty! Season 18: The French Renovation" (Die-Nasty Improv)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Monday at 8 PM
Tickets: 780-433-3399 (Mailbox #1) or 780-707-7964
www.die-nastyimprov.com

"Theatresports" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Friday at 11pm (RFT Primetime 8 pm on January 9)
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"CHiMPROV" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Saturday except the last of the month at 11pm
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"Oh Susanna!"
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
The last Saturday of the month at 11 pm
Tickets: 780-433-3399
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Peace, Love & Rock N' Roll: And The Beat Goes On!" (Mayfield Dinner Theatre)
Mayfield Inn and Suites (16615 109 Avenue)
November 7, 2008 to February 15, 2009
Tickets: 780-483-4051 or Toll Free 1-877-529-7829, or at: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca

"Pirates of the North Saskatchewan II" (Jubilations Dinner Theatre)
West Edmonton Mall (#2690, 8882 170 Street)
November 6, 2008 to January 24, 2009
Tickets: 780-484-2424 or Toll Free 1-877-214-2424
www.jubilations.ca

Merry Kweznuz: This Week in Theatre

2008-12-12T22:10:00.002-07:00

"The Nutcracker" (Alberta Ballet)
Northern Alberta Jubilee Auditorium (11455 87th Avenue)
December 11, 2008 to December 14, 2008
Tickets: 780-428-6839 ext. 1 or www.ticketmaster.ca
www.albertaballet.com

A Christmas Carol: A Dramatized Reading (East of 60 Productions)
Royal Canadian Legion Devon Branch (6 Huron Street, Devon AB)
December 13, 2008 to December 14, 2008
Tickets: 780-987-0912 or 780-987-3356
eastofsixty.com

"Trains fantômes *with english subtitles*" (L'Unitheatre / Théâtre Triangle Vital de Montréal)
La Cite Francophone (8627 91 Street)
December 11, 1008 to December 13, 2008
Tickets: 780-466-1556 or at www.tixonthesquare.com
www.lunitheatre.ca

"Black Hearts in the Green Room" (Walterdale Playhouse)
Walterdale Playhouse (10322 83 Ave)
December 10, 2008 to December 20, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.com
www.walterdaleplayhouse.com

"XXXMas IV: The Re-Gifting" (Mostly Water Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
December 13, 2008
Tickets: available at the door (cash only), and can be reserved at 780-686-5960
www.mostlywatertheatre.com

"Trap Door Party"(MOVE: The Company)
Festival Place (100 Festival Way, Sherwood Park AB)
December 14, 2008
Tickets: 780-449-3378 or:
www.festivalplace.ab.ca

(780) 449-3378
"A Christmas Carol" (Citadel Theatre)
McLab Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
November 28, 2008 to December 23, 2008
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or Toll Free 1-888-425-1820 or at:
www.citadeltheatre.com

"Sailor's Song" (Trunk Theatre)
Roxy Theatre (10708 124 Street)
December 4, 2008 to December 14, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1752 or www.tixonthesquare.com
more information at: www.attheroxy.com

"The V.I.P. Kids Show!" (Varscona Saturday Morning Children's Series)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
December 13, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.com
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Die-Nasty! Season 18: The French Renovation" (Die-Nasty Improv)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Monday at 8 PM
Tickets: 780-433-3399 (Mailbox #1) or 780-707-7964
www.die-nastyimprov.com

"Theatresports" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Friday at 11pm
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"CHiMPROV" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Saturday except the last of the month at 11pm
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"Oh Susanna!"
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
The last Saturday of the month at 11 pm
Tickets: 780-433-3399
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Peace, Love & Rock N' Roll: And The Beat Goes On!" (Mayfield Dinner Theatre)
Mayfield Inn and Suites (16615 109 Avenue)
November 7, 2008 to February 15, 2009
Tickets: 780-483-4051 or Toll Free 1-877-529-7829, or at: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca

"Pirates of the North Saskatchewan II" (Jubilations Dinner Theatre)
West Edmonton Mall (#2690, 8882 170 Street)
November 6, 2008 to January 24, 2009
Tickets: 780-484-2424 or Toll Free 1-877-214-2424
www.jubilations.ca

Theatre This Week & Improv Jam! Thursday December 11, 2008

2008-12-01T18:22:00.008-07:00

Not doing anything Thursday, December 11th? Do you like Improv? Do you like free things? Maybe you live in Sherwood Park... Or you don't mind coming out there... Hey, tell me if you need a ride. I've got wheels... Why am I asking you all these questions??

Well, I've got news for you. If you didn't hear all the buzz, There's a new kid near town. "Tales From The Improv Zone", Sherwood Park's Licensed Theatresports Troupe. And they want to see you at Festival Place: www.festivalplace.ab.ca/festivalplace/find.php

Things get under way at 7:00 pm, and if you like it, you can start coming back. And then you'll be addicted. And there's nothing quite like the crack that is improv, I tell you what.

But if that's not your thing, check out all the great things going on this week:

"Seussical" (St. Albert Children's Theatre)
Arden Theatre (St. Albert Place, 5 St. Anne Street, St. Albert, AB)
November 27, 2008 to December 7, 2008
Tickets: 780-459-1542, www.ticketmaster.ca
www.sact.ca

"A Christmas Carol" (Citadel Theatre)
McLab Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
November 28, 2008 to December 23, 2008
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or Toll Free 1-888-425-1820 or at:
www.citadeltheatre.com

"Without You: Studio Theatre World Premiere" (Studio Theatre)
Timms Centre for the Arts (87 Ave & 112 St)
November 27, 2008 to December 6, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca
www.drama.ualberta.ca

"The Blonde, The Brunette and The Vengeful Redhead" (Citadel Theatre)
Shoctor Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
November 15, 2008 to December 7, 2008
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or Toll Free 1-888-425-1820 or at:
www.citadeltheatre.com

"Sailor's Song" (Trunk Theatre)
Roxy Theatre (10708 124 Street)
December 4, 2008 to December 14, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1752 or www.tixonthesquare.com
more information at: www.attheroxy.com

John D. Huston Presents “A Christmas Carol” (Blue Chair Cafe)
Blue Chair Cafe (9624 76 ave)
December 4, 2008
Tickets: 780-989-2861
www.bluechair.ca

"Monthly STORY CAFE: Perfect Gifts" (T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton)
Rosie's Bar and Grill (10475- 80 Ave)
December 4, 2008
Tickets: At the Door; Pay What You Will ($6 minimum)
www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales/

"Little Red Riding Hood" (Alberta Opera Musical Theatre for Young People)
Transalta Arts Barns (10330 84 Avenue)
December 5, 2008 to December 7, 2008
Tickets: 780-409-1910 or www.fringetheatreadventures.ca
ao.newglobemedia.com

Lights Up Presents: "Like the 5 Fingers on your Hand" (Bouge de là Dance Company)
Shell Theatre (8700 84 Street, Fort Saskatchewan AB)
December 5, 2008
Tickets: 780-992-6400, or 780-451-8000 www.ticketmaster.ca
www.bougedela.org

"The V.I.P. Kids Show!" (Varscona Saturday Morning Children's Series)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
December 6, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.com
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Die-Nasty! Season 18: The French Renovation" (Die-Nasty Improv)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Monday at 8 PM
Tickets: 780-433-3399 (Mailbox #1) or 780-707-7964
www.die-nastyimprov.com

"Theatresports" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Friday at 11pm
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"CHiMPROV" (Rapid Fire Theatre)
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
Every Saturday except the last of the month at 11pm
Tickets: At the door or reserve ahead at 780-448-0695
www.rapidfiretheatre.com

"Oh Susanna!"
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
The last Saturday of the month at 11 pm
Tickets: 780-433-3399
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Peace, Love & Rock N' Roll: And The Beat Goes On!" (Mayfield Dinner Theatre)
Mayfield Inn and Suites (16615 109 Avenue)
November 7, 2008 to February 15, 2009
Tickets: 780-483-4051 or Toll Free 1-877-529-7829, or at: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca

"Pirates of the North Saskatchewan II" (Jubilations Dinner Theatre)
West Edmonton Mall (#2690, 8882 170 Street)
November 6, 2008 to January 24, 2009
Tickets: 780-484-2424 or Toll Free 1-877-214-2424
www.jubilations.ca

Curtains Up?

2008-11-29T15:07:00.003-07:00

So, I'm thinking about posting theatre events around town again... But I may need some of your help to tell me what I missed and fill in some details. Also, sincere apologies that some of these are late. This is kind of the prototype. As for now:

"Seussical" (St. Albert Children's Theatre)
Arden Theatre (St. Albert Place, 5 St. Anne Street, St. Albert, AB)
November 27, 2008 to December 7, 2008
Tickets: 780-459-1542, www.ticketmaster.ca
www.sact.ca

"Ring Around The Moon" (DR 456 BFA Acting 2nd Year)
Corner Stage (89 Ave and 112 St, Fine Arts Building)
November 27, 2008 to November 30, 2008
Tickets: Those crazy cats don't mention on the internet any way to get tickets... I hope it's a public performance. They actually don't mention what time it runs either... Perhaps a poster or two over at the U of A would clear that up.
www.drama.ualberta.ca

"Village of Idiots" (Victoria School of Performing and Visual Arts)
Eva O. Howard Theatre (Victoria School: 101 St and Kingsway Ave)
November 24, 2008 to November 29, 2008
Tickets: 780-426-3010
www.victoria-school.ca

"Three Little Birds" (Workshop West Theatre)
Catalyst Theatre (8529 Gateway Blvd)
November 20, 2008 to November 30, 2008
Tickets: At the Door or www.tixonthesquare.ca
www.workshopwest.org

"A Christmas Carol" (Citadel Theatre)
McLab Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
November 28, 2008 to December 23, 2008
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or Toll Free 1-888-425-1820 or at:
www.citadeltheatre.com

"The Three Musketeers" (Horizon Players)
Horizon Stage (1001 Calahoo Road, Spruce Grove AB)
November 27, 2008 to November 29, 2008
Tickets: 780-962-8995 or www.horizonstage.com
www.horizonplayers.com

"Chang O: The Lady of the Moon - A Cantonese Opera" (ICPA Edmonton)
Northern Alberta Jubilee Auditorium (11455 87th Avenue)
November 29, 2008
Tickets: 780-451-8000 or www.ticketmaster.ca

"Without You: Studio Theatre World Premiere" (Studio Theatre)
Timms Centre for the Arts (87 Ave & 112 St)
November 27, 2008 to December 6, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca
www.drama.ualberta.ca

"The Blonde, The Brunette and The Vengeful Redhead" (Citadel Theatre)
Shoctor Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
November 15, 2008 to December 7, 2008
Tickets: 780-425-1820 or Toll Free 1-888-425-1820 or at:
www.citadeltheatre.com

"Extremities" (Guts&Guile Productions)
The Third Space (11516 103 Street)
November 21, 2008 to November 30, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

"laFura: World Premiere" (Brian Webb Dance Company)
John L. Haar Theatre (10045 156 Street)
November 28, 2008 to November 29, 2008
Tickets: 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca
www.bwdc.ca

"Su-Kat" (Azimuth Theatre)
The Living Room Playhouse (11315 106 Ave)
November 13, 2008 to November 29, 2008
Tickets: 780-454-0583
www.azimuththeatre.com

"Oh Susanna!"
Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
The last Saturday of the month at 11 pm
Tickets: Seriously, I don't know. At the door? Try calling Varscona: 780-433-3399
www.varsconatheatre.org

"Peace, Love & Rock N' Roll: And The Beat Goes On!" (Mayfield Dinner Theatre)
Mayfield Inn and Suites (16615 109 Avenue)
November 7, 2008 to February 15, 2009
Tickets: 780-483-4051 or Toll Free 1-877-529-7829, or at: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca

"Pirates of the North Saskatchewan II" (Jubilations Dinner Theatre)
West Edmonton Mall (#2690, 8882 170 Street)
November 6, 2008 to January 24, 2009
Tickets: 780-484-2424 or Toll Free 1-877-214-2424
www.jubilations.ca

She's a Mighty Good Writer

2008-11-06T18:39:00.002-07:00

After watching a few "film festival" movies recently, I've come to this conclusion:

Witty and eloquent writing? Excellent.

Witty and eloquent dialogue? Grates on my nerves.

I mean it. I don't mind reading it, I just have a problem hearing it.

Nice getting that off my chest.

MSN's CelebEdge? You're fired.

2008-11-05T21:05:00.002-07:00

In a recent MSN's CelebEdge, fun was poked at all those loser celebrities for dressing up in their lame costumes.

Amongst the targets? Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, for dressing up in "Lost Boys" costumes (albeit not top notch, but probably on purpose).

Here's the part that bugs me: The article writer (who wisely does not identify themselves)complains at the way these celebrities aren't even trying, and then goes on to write a completely lazy and non-researched article about it!

Ah, irony.

Here's what the writer says about Corey Feldman's obvious Vampire Slayer costume:

"Corey Feldman
Sin: Dressing Up As Nothing
Committed By: Thinking we'd believe dressing in all black is a costume just because he's holding a sword.
Tip: If you don't have a costume at the last minute, every closet has a hobo just waiting to be thrown together. It's a last resort, but at least it's a costume, unlike velvet pants."

The sword? It's a stake, you boob.

And then there was Corey Haim:

Corey Haim
Sin: Not Dressing Up
Committed By: Wearing street clothes to what is obviously a Halloween-themed event. Infinitely worse than Dressing Up As Nothing.
Tip: Half-ass is better than no ass.

The funny thing is, I've never Seen Lost Boys, and I knew these were Lost Boys costumes. Even Corey Haim's supposed "street clothes" are from that movie.

The moral of the story? Don't complain that everyone is being half-assed when you can't tell your ass from your elbow.

mmkay?

About Sean Cullen; How am I Supposed to Feel?

2008-11-02T10:25:00.002-07:00

Apparently, I cannot survive without television.

As I work at my Compy 2000, I tend to watch the Comedy Network on my '80's Samsung 13 inch screen. And who is having his own special today?

Sean Cullen.

Yeah, I know. There should be an accent over the "e" in Sean, but who really gives a flying frick. My point is, as a Canadian, am I supposed to love Sean Cullen by default?

Let's look at the positives: Corky and the Juice Pigs. Very funny, especially "Remember", that REM parody... Awesome.

That's the only positive I can recall.

Let's look at the negatives:
1. The accent. I don't even know what sort of accent that's supposed to be. Pseudo-british?
2. The Food of Your Choice... Some of the worst improv I've ever seen in my life. Seriously.
3. The Costume Changes. Ooo! I'm going to dress up like an old woman and do the EXACT SAME ACT!! Hmmmm...
4. The Jokes. Here, I'll write one right now: "I am feeling old. Old like the slime on the walls of some ancient castle, old like the drool on Grandpa's chin... old... old like the Pope just before he careened into a death pool with all the various things swimming in it, swimming and drowning like oh so many drowning things... With fruits and vegetables being boiled in the deep by some sort of soup chef... a soup chef with a funny hat and a shovel in his ear...".
5. The facial expression. How does he hold that "I'm going to tell you a saucy story" face for as long as he does?

I could go on, but he might read this some day, so I think I'll stop.

But really, I guess I should just be supportive; It's the rare Canadian comedian that becomes an actual celebrity. Sure, he certainly hasn't made it in the states, but here, why he's our Whoopi Goldberg, our Billy Crystal, our comedian-that-isn't-truly-hilarious-but-never-says-anything-offensive-enough-to-worry-about-them-ruining-the-reputation-of-the-station special guest host.

He's mostly harmless. I don't know why I'm picking on him today, other than to pose this question:

Should I learn to love Sean, like a stepbrother that I'm not fond of, but have to live with, or am I allowed to criticize him? You be the judge.

Would You like Fries With Your Olympic Hero?

2008-07-13T18:10:00.004-06:00

So McDonald's is putting pictures of Canadian Olympic athletes on their placemats.

I walk back to my table, tray full of guilt, shame, and extreme satisfaction. On it: Cola, freedom fries, and a 1/4 of beef mushed between buns... oh, and an Olympian's smile.

My fries are fresh, so I spill them onto his face, because if I didn't want them to be way too hot. I'm more of a mayonnaise man, so I squirt 3 packets onto his neck. I have a bit of a short break, so I'm slopping a bit of ketchup out of my burger onto his forehead.

20 minutes later, I've cleared my tray. A grease-covered, salty mug with what appears to be a severe head wound beams at me.

So I'd like to apologize to Canadian athletes everywhere. The scene I described will repeat itself until you run/swim/fling yourself around in a circle/hurl yourself through the air using a stick... or all those other crazy things you do... just so you can get a chance to wear some metal around your neck.

Go Canada Go!

45, 45, 45...

2008-07-10T23:22:00.003-06:00

...and I can't get enough of them.

For those of you who are into those super-fast spinning wonders called "Compact Discs", I would like to introduce you to their slower, bigger cousin: The 45.

Called this because they rotate at 45 revolutions per minute (or rotations, whatever), these black dinosaurs are making a comeback at hip record boutiques where so-called bohemians sport salon haircuts and wear impossibly expensive clothes (but that's another subject). My father just so happened to collect dozens of them back in the late 50's and throughout the 60's, and I've taken it upon myself to rip them into MP3s and/or transfer them to those silver thingies I mentioned earlier.

The whole experience is breathtaking (and not just because of the black mold growing on them due to the flooded basement they lived in); It's like a journey through time. It's a slice of Edmonton's history. I get to listen to Wes Dakus (orignally from Mannville, Alberta) and his "Club 93 Rebels"-- By the way, Club 93, a radio station, was what all the kids listened to back in the day-- and CJSR regulars Willie and the Walkers (coincidentally, produced by Wes Dakus).

Blah Blah Blah.

I also get to hear all the scratches and pops that prove how loved and listened to these records were, and I get to smell the vinyl and rubber drive belt that spins these audible time capsules. I know, I'm one fuck of a loser, but I love it.

I also get to remember playing these very records as a kid on my own portable system, the very same system my dad used to carry around and show off his latest finds.

Sniff.

Anyway. It's good stuff. And I'm going to save them all. A-sides and B-sides. Shit and Classics. Common and Rare.

I have a headache from all the fungi (impending case of stachybotryotoxicosis, here I come), but excuse me, I think I have a heartache for the tunes.

Catch Phrase? Catchy!

2008-07-09T08:32:00.002-06:00

When I drive to work, I sometimes find myself listening to Edmonton's Modern Rock Station, Sonic 1029... They have a new Morning news guy, and you'll never guess what he's got.

A Catch Phrase.

Before he starts the news, he says "And here's what you need to know!". Or something like that. I kind of feel like I'm being transported back in time 40 or 50 years, when I'm sure every DJ / Announcer / Personality had their own tag line.

Which got me to thinking; I need one.

Yes. A catch phrase for Shawn. But not for theatre; for answering the phones at work. Some of you might not know this, but I'm on the phone all day for a major Pipe supplier now. I am answering the phone constantly every day. Wouldn't it be a treat for my loyal customers to get greeted with something like this:

"Shawn here; If you're looking for pipe, we've got your type."

"Dr. Shawn here; I have the cure for your pipe disease."

"Whazzup, Alleyall? Shawn'z in da hizzy wit' tha pizipe..."

Hmm. Or maybe just:

"Shawn here; You buy it! YOU BUY IT!!!"

My sales will go through the roof.

10 Clownmandments. Yeah, I said it.

2008-04-25T17:30:00.004-06:00

So, to all the students from the workshop today:

1. Live In the Present moment With No Fear of Consequence.

2. Accept Yourself Unconditionally. Physically, Emotionally, and Intellectually.

3. Generate Creative Alternatives without judgment.

4. Combine the Innocence of the Child You Were With the Experience of the Older Person you have become.

5. See Everything For the First Time.

6. Express Eveything to the Fullest.

7. Let Your Feelings Go After you Express them.

8. Forget the Meaning of the Word "Mistake".

9. Break Every Rule But Your Own.

10. Live Life always acting from the Heart.

Any questions?

Direct Energy versus... Direct Energy?

2008-04-15T18:19:00.001-06:00

The following is a letter I sent to Global TV's "Troubleshooter":

Good Afternoon,

My name is Shawn Pallier, and I am writing you because I would like to help inform the public about a troubling way Direct Energy is conducting business.

In February, I was contacted by a Direct Energy telemarketer. They said that they were giving me the opportunity to put both my gas and electricity on the same bill, seeing that the market had become de-regulated. There was a casual and no-risk, cancel-at-any time offer made, so I took the bait.

I decided I would try their budget program. In mid-April, I was greeted with what I thought was my first bill; A whopping $541.74.

I immediately contacted Direct Energy to let them know I didn't feel this was a very good budget plan. I was hoping they would tell me that this was simply an opening bill, and that future payments would be much smaller. I was still upset, but would have swallowed that. Instead, I was informed my account was closed, and that I would have to settle my "Debits" due to the fact that I was moving on to a different company (I imagine she meant "Debts").

I said that I understood that if I was moving to a different company, that would be fine, but I was staying with Direct Energy and I was simply adding my Electricity. I was then informed that I had, in fact, moved on to a different company: Direct Energy(?).

Turns out that there is a difference between Direct Energy Regulated Services and Direct Energy. Maybe the more savvy bill-payer knows this, but they have the same logo and parent-company. They even have the same letterhead (with a much smaller "Regulated Services" under the bold Direct Energy).

I then had to call Direct Energy (you know, the other Direct Energy... not confusing at all, is it) to ask them to perhaps merge this closing-account payment with the opening of my new account to take away the sting. A supervisor at Direct Energy told me that this would be illegal, seeing that this would be 2 different companies sharing information. The government would never allow that, she said.

Even if it was unintentional (or is it?) I feel Direct Energy (the parent company) should be more responsible than to offer such a deal in February, knowing that anybody on a budget plan would be in debt to Direct Energy at that time. All those winter-months, I was underpaying, but during the spring and summer, I'd be over-paying to compensate. I will not be allowed to do that.

In a frustrated moment, the supervisor admitted to me that this type of marketing is being done to "phase out" Direct Energy Regulated Services. I thank her for confessing on behalf of her company, but I'd appreciate a formal apology and for them to forgive my "closing balance", which they are totally unwilling to cooperate on.

I feel they should forgive the closing balance of anyone who was a victim of this marketing.

I am getting married in a very short time, in early June in fact, and they might feel that this is a small price to pay and that maybe next time I should "know what I'm getting into". But their marketing techniques could mean a lack of funds on what should be the happiest day of my life.

I appreciate the time it took to read this, and look forward to your response.

Regards,

Shawn Pallier

Hiatus. That's The Way I Like It.

2008-02-13T22:28:00.002-07:00

I'm sure 4 or 5 of you might have noticed my little theatre notice board.

Yeah.

I'll get it back up some day. It was like an experiment for me... Part of a big master plan to get back in the game. I hope to start a real theatre website in the fall of this year. You know, with actual useful shit on it.

For serious.

Until then, ramblings again... like this one:

I'm in Safeway. I'm just minding my own business.

I ain't tryin' to cause no trouble.

All of a sudden, I see them: Cripps Apples.

Yep, real Cripps. Right there in the grocery store. I'm thinking to myself, "If I just act cool, nothing will happen."

Think again.

I turn my back to the organic stylings of the Cripps apples... Only to discover Blood Oranges.

That's right. I found myself right between the Bloods and the Cripps.

Don't Panic. Whatever you do, I said to myself, Don't panic.

I just stared straight ahead, wondering what they were thinking about each other, and what might go down. But this, my friends, was a stand-off. Neither parties were moving, and neither parties were backing down.

I count myself lucky, making my way out of the Millwoods Safeway. Somebody else caught in my position might have lost their head, but because of all the crazy stressy shit I've been through lately...

...I was as cool as an English Cucumber.

It's Bedlam! Theatre, That is...

2008-01-05T12:59:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, Bedlam Theatre Concern. I forgot you in the original listings. Here's an updated list of things happening in Edmonton in January:

“Hockey Stories for Boys”
Where: Roxy Theatre (10708 124 Street)
When: January 17 - 27 / 08
Who: Azimuth Theatre
Website: www.azimuththeatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-453-2440 or www.theatrenetwork.ca

“Disney’s Beauty and The Beast”
Where: Shoctor Theatre (@ the Citadel - 9828 101A Ave)
When: January 19 - February 28 / 08
Who: Citadel Theatre
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

“Hansel and Gretel”
Where: Fringe Theatre Adventures (10330 84 Ave)
When: January 25 - 27 / 08
Who: KayBridge Puppets (KayBridge Productions)
Website: www.kaybridge.ca
Want Tix? - 780-409-1910 or tickets.fringetheatre.ca

“Two Small Bodies”
Where: Red Strap Art Market (10305 - 97 Street)
When: January 25 - February 3 / 08
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? -at the door or www.tixonthesquare.ca (780-420-1727)

“MacGregor‘s Hard Ice Cream and Gas”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
When: January 24 - February 10 / 08
Who: Shadow Theatre
Website: www.shadowtheatre.org
Want Tix? - 780-434-5564

“The Amaze-O-Nauts Must Die!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
When: January 3 - 12 / 08
Who: Bedlam Theatre Concern
Website: http://www.varsconatheatre.org/whatsonthisweek.html
Want Tix? - 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Tellaround”
Where: The City Arts Centre (10943-84 Ave)
When: Second Friday of Every Month
Who: T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton
Website: www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales
Want Tix? - At the Door

“The Mighty Carlins”
Where: 3rd Space (11516-103 Street)
When: January 10 - 20 / 08
Who: Workshop West Theatre
Website: www.workshopwest.org
Want Tix? - 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“The Canoe Theatre Festival”
Where: 3rd Space (11516-103 Street) & The Timms Centre for the Arts (87 Ave & 112 St)
When: January 22 - 26 / 08
Who: Workshop West Theatre
Website: www.workshopwest.org
Want Tix? - 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Peace, Love & Rock N Roll”
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre (16615 - 109 Ave)
When: Nov 9 / 07 – Feb 17 /08
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-483-4051 or 1-877-529-7829

“Desperate Households – 1965”
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (8882 -170 Street - West Edmonton Mall)
When: Nov 2 / 07 – Jan 26 / 08
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 780-484-2424

"Die-Nasty Season 17: Port Fort"
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
When: every Monday night (Returning January 7 / 08) until May 26, 2008
Who: Die-Nasty Improv
Website: www.die-nasty.com
Want Tix? – 780-707-7964

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-0695

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-0695

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? – 780-433-3399

New Year's Resolution: See Theatre.

2008-01-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

That's right. I'm making your New Year's resolution for you. Check out all the stuff in January. You'll be broke in no time.

“Hockey Stories for Boys”
Where: Roxy Theatre (10708 124 Street)
When: January 17 - 27 / 08
Who: Azimuth Theatre
Website: www.azimuththeatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-453-2440 or www.theatrenetwork.ca

“Disney’s Beauty and The Beast”
Where: Shoctor Theatre (@ the Citadel - 9828 101A Ave)
When: January 19 - February 28 / 08
Who: Citadel Theatre
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

“Hansel and Gretel”
Where: Fringe Theatre Adventures (10330 84 Ave)
When: January 25 - 27 / 08
Who: KayBridge Puppets (KayBridge Productions)
Website: www.kaybridge.ca
Want Tix? - 780-409-1910 or tickets.fringetheatre.ca

“Two Small Bodies”
Where: Red Strap Art Market (10305 - 97 Street)
When: January 25 - February 3 / 08
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? -at the door or www.tixonthesquare.ca (780-420-1727)

“MacGregor‘s Hard Ice Cream and Gas”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
When: January 24 - February 10 / 08
Who: Shadow Theatre
Website: www.shadowtheatre.org
Want Tix? - 780-434-5564

“Story Café - Cabin Fever”
Where: Rosie’s Bar and Grill (10475-80 Ave)
When: January 3 / 08 (7-9 pm)
Who: T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton
Website: www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales
Want Tix? - At the Door ($5)

“Tellaround”
Where: The City Arts Centre (10943-84 Ave)
When: Second Friday of Every Month
Who: T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton
Website: www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales
Want Tix? - At the Door

“The Mighty Carlins”
Where: 3rd Space (11516-103 Street)
When: January 10 - 20 / 08
Who: Workshop West Theatre
Website: www.workshopwest.org
Want Tix? - 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“The Canoe Theatre Festival”
Where: 3rd Space (11516-103 Street) & The Timms Centre for the Arts (87 Ave & 112 St)
When: January 22 - 26 / 08
Who: Workshop West Theatre
Website: www.workshopwest.org
Want Tix? - 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Peace, Love & Rock N Roll”
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre (16615 - 109 Ave)
When: Nov 9 / 07 – Feb 17 /08
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-483-4051 or 1-877-529-7829

“Desperate Households – 1965”
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (8882 -170 Street - West Edmonton Mall)
When: Nov 2 / 07 – Jan 26 / 08
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 780-484-2424

"Die-Nasty Season 17: Port Fort"
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
When: every Monday night (Returning January 7 / 08) until May 26, 2008
Who: Die-Nasty Improv
Website: www.die-nasty.com
Want Tix? – 780-707-7964

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-0695

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Ave)
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-0695

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? – 780-433-3399

Bring Me Some Figgy Theatre

2007-12-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

I’m thinking this probably isn’t everything that’s going on this time of year. If you’ve got a Christmas theatre event not listed, let me know. spallier@hotmail.com

“The Christmas Carol Project”
Where: Roxy Theatre (10708 124 Street)
When: December 18 – 23 / 07
Who: Brass Monkey Productions and TheatREpublic
Website: www.theatrenetwork.ca
Want Tix? – 780-453-2440 or www.theatrenetwork.ca

“Antigone”
Where: Timms Centre for the Arts (87 Ave & 112 St)
When: Thursday Nov 29 - Dec 8 / 07
Who: Studio Theatre (U of A)
Website: www.uofaweb.ualberta.ca/drama/studiotheatre.cfm
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Cinderella”
Where: TransAlta Arts Barns (10330 84 Avenue)
When: Dec 4 – 9 / 07
Who: Alberta Opera
Website: ao.newglobemedia.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-9000 or www.fringetheatreadventures.ca

”I’ll Be Home for Solstice”
Where: Arden Theatre
When: Friday, December 21 / 07
Who: St. Albert Children’s Theatre Alumni
Website: www.sact.ca
Want Tix? – 780-459-1542

“Sinbad the Sailor”
Where: Walterdale Playhouse (10322 83 Avenue)
When: Dec 5 – 15 / 07
Who: Walterdale Theatre Associates
Website: www.walterdaleplayhouse.com
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“A Christmas Carol”
Where: Maclab Theatre (9828 101A Avenue)
When: December 1 – 23 / 07
Who: Citadel Theatre
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? – 1-888-425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

“Bitchslap!”
Where: Roxy Theatre (10708 124 Street)
When: Nov 28 - Dec 9
Who: Guys in Disguise
Website: www.guysindisguise.com
Want Tix? – 780-453-2440 and www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Peace, Love & Rock N Roll”
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre (16615 - 109 Ave)
When: Nov 9 / 07 – Feb 17 /08
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-483-4051 or 1-877-529-7829

“Desperate Households – 1965”
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (8882 -170 Street - West Edmonton Mall)
When: Nov 2 / 07 – Jan 26 / 08
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 780-484-2424

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Avenue)
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-0695

"Die-Nasty Season 17: Port Fort"
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Avenue)
When: every Monday night (except Dec. 24 & Jan. 31) until May 26, 2008
Who: Die-Nasty Improv
Website: www.die-nasty.com
Want Tix? – 780-707-7964

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329 83 Avenue)
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-0695

“Language & Content”
Where: Jekyll & Hyde Pub (10610-100 Ave)
When: Last Monday of the Month (Starting November 26)
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-297-3675

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave.)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? – 780-433-3399

My Christmas Gift to You: Because I'm broke-ass.

2007-11-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm giving you the gift of Theatre listings. Early, even!

“The Laramie Project”
Where: Eva O. Howard Theatre (Kingsway Avenue and 101 St)
When: Nov 27 - Dec 1
Who: Victoria School of Performing and Visual Arts
Website: www.victoria-school.ca
Want Tix? – 780-426-3010

“Antigone”
Where: Timms Centre for the Arts
When: Thursday Nov 29 - Dec 8 / 07
Who: Studio Theatre (U of A)
Website: www.uofaweb.ualberta.ca/drama/studiotheatre.cfm
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Cinderella”
Where: TransAlta Arts Barns
When: Dec 4 – 9 / 07
Who: Alberta Opera
Website: ao.newglobemedia.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-9000 or www.fringetheatreadventures.ca

“Sinbad the Sailor”
Where: Walterdale Playhouse
When: Dec 5 – 15 / 07
Who: Walterdale Theatre Associates
Website: www.walterdaleplayhouse.com
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“A Christmas Carol”
Where: Maclab Theatre
When: December 1 – 23 / 07
Who: Citadel Theatre
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? – 1-888-425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

“XXXmas 3: Good King WTF”
Where: TransAlta Arts Barns (10330-84 Ave)
When: Nov 22 / 07 – Dec 1 / 07
Who: Mostly Water Theatre
Website: www.mostlywatertheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-686-5960

“Bitchslap!”
Where: Theatre Network’s Roxy Theatre
When: Nov 28 - Dec 9
Who: Guys in Disguise
Website: www.guysindisguise.com
Want Tix? – 780-453-2440 and www.tixonthesquare.ca

“A Midsummer Night’s Dream”
Where: Horizon Stage (Spruce Grove, AB)
When: November 29, 30, and December 1 / 07
Who: Horizon Players
Website: www.horizonplayers.com
Want Tix? – 780-467-2121

“Story Café: Perfect Gifts”
Where: Rosie’s Bar and Grill (10475-80th Ave)
When: December 6 (7:00 – 9:00 pm)
Who: T.A.L.E.S. Edmonton
Website: www.ecn.ab.ca/~tales/
Want Tix? – 780-932-4409

“Caravan a L’Aventure (La Medicin Volant & La Colonie)”
Where: La Cite Francophone (8627 – 91 St)
When: Nov 22-25 / 07 and Nov 29 – Dec 2 / 07
Who: L’Unitheatre
Website: www.lunitheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-469-8400

“Peace, Love & Rock N Roll”
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre (16615 - 109 Ave)
When: Nov 9 / 07 – Feb 17 /08
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-483-4051 or 1-877-529-7829

“Desperate Households – 1965”
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (West Edmonton Mall)
When: Nov 2 / 07 – Jan 26 / 08
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 780-484-2424

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-0695

"Die-Nasty Season 17: Port Fort"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: every Monday night (except Dec. 24 & Jan. 31) until May 26, 2008
Who: Die-Nasty Improv
Website: www.die-nasty.com
Want Tix? – 780-707-7964

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-448-0695

“Language & Content”
Where: Jekyll & Hyde Pub (10610-100 Ave)
When: Last Monday of the Month (Starting November 26)
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-297-3675

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave.)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? – 780-433-3399

See Theatre!! Dude. I Mean it.

2007-11-19T20:44:00.000-07:00

Still have to work out a few bugs. Hyperlink is being a bitch, so you'll have to cut and paste those weblinks.

“Loud & Queer Cabaret”
Where: TransAlta Arts Barns (10330 – 83 Ave)
When: November 23 – 24 / 07 (@ 7:30 pm)
Who: Workshop West Theatre
Website: www.workshopwest.org
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Antigone”
Where: Timms Centre for the Arts
When: Thursday Nov 29 - Dec 8 / 07
Who: Studio Theatre (U of A)
Website: www.uofaweb.ualberta.ca/drama/studiotheatre.cfm
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“The Wizard of Oz”
Where: Archbishop Jordan High School (2021 Brentwood Blvd in Sherwood Park, AB)
When: November 20 – 22 / 07
Who: Archbishop Jordan Theatre Department
Website: www.archbishopmacdonald.ecsd.net
Want Tix? – 780-467-2121

“A Midsummer Night’s Dream”
Where: Horizon Stage (Spruce Grove, AB)
When: November 29, 30, and December 1 / 07
Who: Horizon Players
Website: www.horizonplayers.com
Want Tix? – 780-467-2121

“Peace, Love & Rock N Roll”
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre (16615 - 109 Ave)
When: Nov 9 / 07 – Feb 17 /08
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-483-4051 or 1-877-529-7829

“XXXmas 3: Good King WTF”
Where: TransAlta Arts Barns (10330-84 Ave)
When: Nov 22 / 07 – Dec 1 / 07
Who: Mostly Water Theatre
Website: www.mostlywatertheatre.com
Want Tix? – 780-686-5960

“Lost Action”
Where: John L. Haar Theatre
When: November 23 – 24 / 07
Who: Kidd Pivot
Website: www.bwdc.ca
Want Tix? – 780-420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Caravan a L’Aventure (La Medicin Volant & La Colonie)”
Where: La Cite Francophone (8627 – 91 St)
When: Nov 22-25 / 07 and Nov 29 – Dec 2 / 07
Who: L’Unitheatre
Website: www.lunitheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 780-469-8400

“Desperate Households – 1965”
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (West Edmonton Mall)
When: Nov 2 / 07 – Jan 26 / 08
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 484-2424

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

"Die-Nasty Season 17: Port Fort"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Methinks every Monday? But me not sure…
Who: Die-Nasty Improv
Website: www.die-nasty.com
Want Tix? – 780-707-7964

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

“Language & Content”
Where: Jekyll & Hyde Pub (10610-100 Ave)
When: Last Monday of the Month (Starting November 26)
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 297-3675

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave.)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? - 433-3399

What's Going On?

2007-11-01T20:59:00.000-06:00

Ah, November.

“Stuck”
Where: 3rd Space (11516-103 St)
When: Nov 1 – 10 / 07
Who: Workshop West
Website: www.worshopwest.org
Want Tix?: 420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

"Choke"
Where: Roxy Theatre (10708-124 St.)
When: Nov 1 - 18 / 07
Who: Theatre Network
Website: www.theatrenetwork.ca
Want Tix? – 453-2440 or www.theatrenetwork.ca

“What the Butler Saw”
Where: Timms Centre for the Arts (87 Avenue & 112 Street)
When: Nov 1 – 10 / 07
Who: U of A BFA Graduating Class
Website: www.uofaweb.ualberta.ca/drama/upcomingperformances.cfm
Want Tix? - 420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

“Desperate Households – 1965”
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (West Edmonton Mall)
When: Nov 2 / 07 – Jan 26 / 08
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 484-2424

“Vimy”
Where: Citadel Theatre (@ the MacLab Theatre)
When: Oct 20 – Nov 11 / 07
Who: The Citadel Theatre
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? - 425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

"Nashville Outlaws"
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
When: Aug 31 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 483-4051 or www.mayfieldtheatre.ca

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

“Language & Content”
Where: Jekyll & Hyde Pub (10610-100 Ave)
When: Last Monday of the Month (Starting November 26)
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 297-3675

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave.)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? - 433-3399

"Almost, Maine"
Where: Shadow Theatre
When: Oct 18 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Shadow Theatre
Website: www.shadowtheatre.org
Want Tix? – 434-5564

Playing Now and Soon

2007-10-25T22:15:00.000-06:00

Now, I'm seeing into the future with some of Edmonton's upcoming Theatre events... OOOOooooOOOooo. Because it's almost Halloween. Yep. Seeing into the future is kind of spooky, right?

"Stories from Our Black Books"
Where: Catalyst Theatre
When: October 11-27 /07
Who: Live Theatrical Venues Company
Website: www.storiesfromourblackbooks.com
Want Tix? - 1-888-222-6608 or www.ticketweb.ca

"I, Claudia"
Where: Citadel Theatre (@ the Rice Theatre)
When: October 9 - 27 /07
Who: Liisa Repo-Martell
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? - 425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

"Choke"
Where: Roxy Theatre (10708-124 St.)
When: Oct 30 - Nov 18 / 07
Who: Theatre Network
Website: www.theatrenetwork.ca
Want Tix? – 453-2440 or www.theatrenetwork.ca

”God’s Favoured Child: A Rant”
Where: Living Room Playhouse (11315-106 Ave)
When: Until Oct 27
Who: Azimuth Theatre
Website: www.azimuththeatre.com
Want Tix? - 454-0583.

"29"
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (West Edmonton Mall)
When: Aug 17 – Oct 28 / 07
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 484-2424

"Nashville Outlaws"
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
When: Aug 31 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 483-4051 or www.mayfieldtheatre.com

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

“The Bacchae 2.1 and The Chimes”
Where: Black Box Theatre Lab (10045-156 St.)

When: Oct 24-28 / 07

Who: MacEwan Centre for the Arts

Website: http://www.macewan.ca/theatrearts

Want Tix? - www.tixonthesquare.ca or at the door

“Language & Content”
Where: Jekyll & Hyde Pub (10610-100 Ave)
When: Last Monday of the Month (Starting November 26)
Who: Image Theatre
Website: www.imagetheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 297-3675

“Oh Susanna!”
Where: Varscona Theatre (10329-83 Ave.)
When: Last Saturday of Every Month
Who: Mark Meer
Website: www.varsconatheatre.com/ohSusanna/
Want Tix? - 433-3399

”Urban Tales 10: BiFurious”
Where: Northern Light Theatre
When :Oct 26 & 27 / 07
Who: Northern Light Theatre
Website: www.northernlighttheatre.com
Want Tix? - 471-1586 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

"Almost, Maine"
Where: Shadow Theatre
When: Oct 18 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Shadow Theatre
Website: www.shadowtheatre.org
Want Tix? – 434-5564

"Little Women"
Where: John L Haar Theatre
When: Oct 19 – 27 / 07
Who: Grant MacEwan Theatre Arts
Website: www.macewan.ca/theatrearts
Want Tix? – 420- 1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

"You Are Here"
Where: Walterdale Playhouse
When: Oct 17 – 27 / 07
Who: Walterdale Playhouse Society
Website: www.walterdaleplayhouse.com
Want Tix? – 420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

What's REALLY Playing

2007-10-18T21:26:00.000-06:00

First, I must say, sorry for the piss-poor first entry. Second, holy Jeebus, there's a lot of theatre going on in this town. See something. Promise me.

"29"
Where: Jubilations Dinner Theatre (West Edmonton Mall)
When: Aug 17 – Oct 28 / 07
Who: Jubilations
Website: www.jubilations.ca
Want Tix? – 484-2424

"L’Homme Invisible / Invisible Man
Where: La Cite Francophone
When: October 18 - 20 /07
Who: L’Unitheatre
Website: www.lunitheatre.ca
Want Tix? – 469-8400 or 420-1757

"Nashville Outlaws"
Where: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
When: Aug 31 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Mayfield Dinner Theatre
Website: www.mayfieldtheatre.ca
Want Tix? - 483-4051 or www.mayfieldtheatre.com

"TheatreSports"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Friday @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

"CHiMPROV"
Where: Varscona Theatre
When: Every Saturday (except last Saturday of the Month) @ 11 pm
Who: Rapid Fire Theatre
Website: www.rapidfiretheatre.com
Want Tix? – 448-0695

"Almost, Maine"
Where: Shadow Theatre
When: Oct 18 – Nov 4 / 07
Who: Shadow Theatre
Website: www.shadowtheatre.org
Want Tix? – 434-5564

"Little Women"
Where: John L Haar Theatre
When: Oct 19 – 27 / 07
Who: Grant MacEwan Theatre Arts
Website: www.macewan.ca/theatrearts
Want Tix? – 420- 1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

"You Are Here"
Where: Walterdale Playhouse
When: Oct 17 – 27 / 07
Who: Walterdale Playhouse Society
Website: www.walterdaleplayhouse.com
Want Tix? – 420-1757 or www.tixonthesquare.ca

Show Me Whachoo Got (bless me.)

2007-10-16T22:24:00.000-06:00

Playing in Edmonton and surrounding area. Now. Seriously.

"Stories from Our Black Books"
Where: Catalyst Theatre
When: October 11-27 /07
Who: Live Theatrical Venues Company
Website: www.storiesfromourblackbooks.com
Want Tix? - 1-888-222-6608 - www.ticketweb.ca

"I, Claudia"
Where: Citadel Theatre (@ the Rice Theatre)
When: October 9 - 27 /07
Who: Liisa Repo-Martell
Website: www.citadeltheatre.com
Want Tix? - 425-1820 or www.citadeltheatre.com

This ain't it. I'm just tired and want to go to bed. Can't wait to get your show listed? E-mail me at spallier@hotmail.com , or leave a comment.

Put on your Top Hat and TIE.

2007-10-14T10:15:00.000-06:00

So, I've been trying to find out what's going on in Edmonton, theatre-wise, from one source, and I didn't find one that could tell me everything.

So I'm making a source.

Right now, it's just for me and anyone else who might discover this. And if you stumble across this page and you see your theatre group is not in the links, tell me about it. Put a comment somewhere and let me know.

And hey, if there is an all-incompassing theatre guide out there already, let me know. Because this is going to be a lot of work, and I'm kind of lazy. And yes, I know about See/Vue/The Edmonton Journal/blah blah blah. I'm talking about a one-track minded theatre magazine/newsletter. The kind I want to make, but don't want to roll my eyes and stab myself in the neck when I find out there already is one. The Nightlife Poster doesn't count.

The Secret?

2007-09-13T21:52:00.000-06:00

My friends, I'm one of the many people who had more than one person in their life that wanted to introduce me to "The Secret".

Without going into big time details, it's the power of positive thinking and visualizing yourself achieving goals. Oh, and the doctors/researchers/generally hairy mystics who want you to live by "The Secret" try to make it sound much more difficult than just that, so maybe you'll have to buy their publications/videos/hemp clothes (but definitely not razors) to make yourself more one with "The Secret".

Well guess what? Those unique-framed glasses-wearing ladies and gents are coming to our fair city to spread their wisdom and patchouli. And who did they pick for for their promoters?

Panhandle and Trickstar Productions... could the names of their promoters be more perfectly picked?

Oh, irony. You are my favourite mistress.

A Confession: Theatre Buff? No.

2007-09-03T00:04:00.000-06:00

I'm comfortable with finally admitting it: I don't go to live theatre.

It's a mistake I plan on fixing with the upcoming theatre season. It's not some sort of weird obligation that I'm feeling, it's really a strong desire to start enjoying what my friends are doing. I mean, it's not like I've never gone to live theatre. It's just that I go about as often as I go to hockey games or weddings... So, like, once or twice a year.

There's only so long that I can continue to be uninvolved in the world that I constantly continue to educate myself in. I've been to College, University, private academies and Workshops, workshops, workshops, all so that I could be an actor. I have spent at least 4 years of my life training and fighting and sweating and losing my hair (that could just be a coincidence) to be involved in and enjoy theatre, and if that means watching it and appreciating it from the sidelines, then so be it.

I've got a lot of good choices coming up. Out of those 60(!!!) theatre companies/co-ops operating in the city, there's bound to be some reeking of awesomeness. Here's what I've found so far for September:

A Beautiful View @ the Roxy Theatre (Theatre Network) September 20-October 7.

The Busy World is Hushed @ The Third Space (Northern Light Theatre) Sept. 14-30

The Maids @ Timms Centre for the Arts, (Studio Theatre) September 20-29

Nashville Outlaws @ Mayfield Dinner Theatre August 31-November 4

Noises Off @ The Shoctor Theatre (Citadel) September 22-October 14

Pub Night Variety Show @ Jeckyl and Hyde Pub (Image Theatre) September 22-23

Scythe @ Catalyst Theatre (Dammitdance Theatre) September 20-30

Sexy Laundry @ Varscona Theatre (Shadow Theatre) September 20-30

Theatresports @ Varscona Theatre (Rapid Fire Theatre) Every Friday Sept 22 thru July 27

CHiMPROV @ Varscona Theatre (Rapid Fire Theatre) Every Saturday Sept 23 thru July 28

Die-Nasty Soap-A-Thon @ Varscona Theatre September 14-16

29 @ Jubilations Dinner Theatre August 17-October 28

Will the Real Alberta Please Stand Up? (Artist on Rails) September 13... And this one's on a train from Edmonton to Jasper...

Anyone got anything else?

Pub Night Variety Show @ Jeckyl and Hyde Pub (Image Theatre) September 22-23

Painting the Picture... Poorly.

2007-08-03T23:09:00.000-06:00

I can't help but notice that some signs have gone up in and around the south side of Edmonton. All of them proudly say "PAINTING" and the lady or gentleman's telephone number boldly displayed underneath.

All these signs feature an attractive shade of blue poster board, and to contrast this, the artist has written on the sign with snowy white letters.

He has chosen a folksy paintbrush: One that leaves brush marks and drips, creating an "Aw Shucks, Mr. Wilson" down-home feel. Or maybe a "Very Good, My lil' Special Guy" nuance. Some might even say that if the artist was painting with their brush firmly shoved in his or her mouth/toes/[insert random naughy orifice here], that would be a top-drawer job.

Just yesterday, I saw a man stealing one of the signs... Perhaps to sell it on eBay, or to put it in their gallery (art or facebook, you choose). Nevertheless, it will always remind me of what it really means to make a simple advertisement unforgettable: Irony.

Generally Unfastened.

2007-07-07T08:48:00.000-06:00

July 6, 2007 was my last day with a company called General Fasteners Ltd.

I was an Order Picker for them, which means this: I drive around a warehouse on a forklifty-type thing, and I get the items that customer needs. I learned how to drive a Pacer (traditional-looking forklift, but the kind you stand in), a Reach Truck (modified stand-up forklift that can "reach" forward with it's forks), and a picker (the forks come off the back, and you put a skid there, and you load 'er up). Sounds easy, right?

Well, yes and no.

You see, most customers don't want a whole skid of stuff. So when you pull up to the product you're supposed to pick in the warehouse, you have to take the items down without the help of a machine. That's right. I used those big, burly arms of mine to lift 50 to 120 pound boxes and coils of steel.

But come on, how many people order coils of steel, right?

Oh, about 10 companies a day. Usually they order 1200 pounds or so, but sometimes it's only just over 100.

On Friday, June 29th, I couldn't stand, sit or lie down because I'm an idiot. I felt the back pain coming on, but I didn't do anything about it.

It's a helpless feeling, laying in a pool of sweat, not having the slightest ability to move. But it got me in a reflective mood. Laying there, I tried to make a top 10 list of things that should have gotten me disciplined, but didn't, because they understood that I wasn't much of a warehouse dude...

1. I hit the rack over by the Packaging material so hard, I bent the metal and broke the plastic hood of the picker.

2. I backed into the loading dock door and put a dent in it (by the way David, that's the door that has broken twice since I arrived. Hee hee).

3. I tried to load 1200 pounds of steel by putting one fork under the stack of coils and balancing it over to the truck (It almost fell).

4. I tried to load 1200 pounds of steel the right way and it did fall.

5. I dropped a roll of packaging tape and then ran over it... for about 30 feet.

6. I dropped a case of Industrial Adhesive from at least 30 feet up in the air.

7. I contracted dyslexia and often picked the wrong product from the wrong area, and once picked 48" cardboard instead of 84" cardboard (that's a big difference).

8. I clipped the rack with my forks on my second last day, taking off the paint and nearly the fork.

9. Sometimes, I did some pretty dangerous shit, only to realize I'd forgotten to do up my safety harness... Like the very last item I picked on my very last day. Top shelf (which is roughly the height of the second floor of an office building) backwards and 2 feet away, I wobbled over to two heavy boxes, nearly tripped, and then on the way back saw that I wasn't clipped to my picker at all... oops.

10. I nearly killed a customer when I got worried I was going to hit something, so I accelerated towards him at top speed, stopping short of his shins by about 4 centimeters.

Yes. Not much of a warehouse dude at all. I'll be starting at Van Leeuwen Pipe and Tube on Monday. Back to being a Salesman for me. It's what a manly man like me was designed to do.

My brain is Bleeding from the Originality!!!

2007-06-08T20:59:00.000-06:00

That new movie with the cutie patootie penguiy wenguiys is advertising itself as "The Most ORIGINAL Animated Movie EVER!!!"

Yes. because we didn't just watch Madagascar, Happy Feet, March of the Penguins, Farce of the Penguins, or any of those videos where the penguins trip, push, or fall face first into the ice. Penguins are perhaps the most original idea anyone has ever had this side of Pluto.

Gimme an O.
Gimme an R.
Gimme an I.
Gimme a G.
Gimme another I.
Gimme an N.
Gimme an A.
Gimme an L.

What's that spell?

High School Unclassified

2007-06-04T23:25:00.000-06:00

I just wrote this letter to a friend of mine from High School. There's a reunion on the 9th. And this is me thinking out loud.

"Oh, how I did at one time want to do the reunion. But it's funny how a bit of bad news can bum out a whole summer... The moving thing is just not working for me anymore. Since I came back to Edmonton in '99, I've lived in 6 different places. I know, that's not a lot, but it's too much moving for me. Now I'll be dodging bullets in Millwoods, because frankly, it was the only part of the city I could afford.

I know myself too well, and I won't be in the right mindset for seeing folks again. I'll be all awkward and hangdogish, mumbling about how I still don't have a grown-up job and have auditioned for a grand total of 4 productions in 10 years, so I sabotaged my own acting career... Then I'd realize I was being Captain Pity Party and talking about myself too much, and then I'd try to puff up my chest and talk about the workshops I teach and the whole Theatresports experience being nice. And then I'd realize I was still talking about myself.

And then I'd get paranoid that everyone was looking at my sunburnt bald spot.

And then I would roll my eyes, realizing that not everyone is looking at me, of course.

I think I want to be a little more calm, and have a little less things on my mind... Oh, and about the Employee Lunch in September, call this number: 448-0695. The good folks at Rapid Fire Theatre would do that kind of thing and would impress as much as they entertain.

Sorry for gushing. Long day."

Hence, the lack of new posts. Not in the mood, and they would all sound this annoying and whiny if I made them regularly. So when I feel less like this, I'm going to post so many notes, 3M would be jealous.

Did I mention the decreasing quality of my jokes lately?

Edmonton's "Killers" are slipping...

2007-04-25T21:14:00.000-06:00

Anyone who's taken a stroll down Whyte Avenue in the past few months has probably noticed a couple of young gents who have chosen to consistently make a Rockstaresque attire choice.

That's right: The two guys dressed up like the missing members of "The Killers". You can't help but notice as a guy in snakeskin biker boots, tight leather pants, faux-cowboy shirt and a moustachio that would make a 70's porn star blush walks by with a leisure-suit-wearing, white alligator-shoe-sporting, sometimes-wearing-non-prescription-glasses Beau-Brummel-wannabe. And I don't mean the band, I mean the guy... You know, George Bryan Brummel, the 19th century Dandy/Fop. I guess I could've just said Dandy...

Point being, if you choose to be a Rock Star, you ARE a Rock Star. You can't walk around in the public eye, dressed to the nines and flashing smiles, when the next day, you wear something frightfully average. You'll be lambasted by the press & tabloids. So guess what boys? I'm going to play the role of tabloid...

Today, "The Killers" were caught walking down Whyte Avenue, one wearing an undersized blue and red zippy from the 80's with rather baggy jeans, whereas the other was wearing what appeared to be a shoddy leather and suede vest without a shirt(!) and something forgettable for pants and shoes. Boys, today was disappointing.

My ladyfriend suggested that it must have been laundry day... tsk tsk. I expect a trip to Decadence will cure this lacklustre performance. Besides, you need something new for the Raveonettes... Don't disappoint your public.

This Script is Hard to Improvise...

2007-04-16T23:39:00.000-06:00

I've now watched 3 episodes of "Thank God You're Here".

Here's what I think about it.

Okay, so the producers found a game from the world of Improvisation that they enjoy. The old "put-an-actor-in-a-situation-they-know-nothing-about" bit. The idea is that the improvisers don't know what the set looks like, who is going to be in the scene, and what will be said.

And that would all work, if the other actors were doing a little more improvising when they are SUPPOSED TO!!

Yes, I get it. There's a whole bunch of gaggy gags they have to get to, so they can't have someone coming up with something that's not in the script(!)... For example, they ask Harland Williams, who is playing an Explorer (dressed up as Sherlock Holmes(?)) to show the latest slide show of his findings. He explains that the first slide is the original photo of Janet Jackson for the "Rolling Stone Magazine" spread where she was topless, but that dude was holding her bosoms... Naturally, the little primitive statue in the slide is topless and quite funnily unlike Janet Jackson... But the other "improviser" in the scene continues with the original scripted joke and says "Uh, this statue has magical powers... Uh, what were they again?"

Yes, yes, yes. Here and there, the other improvisers are improvising, but it's moments like this that need to get fixed. There were many examples, but I think you get the picture. I think once the scene begins, everyone should just be spontaneous and see where the scene takes them... It doesn't have to be Pimp-o-mania... Just forcing the special guest to tell jokes.

And perhaps the producers would argue that they are not trying to do a "purist" improvisational show (obviously), and I can stick my opinion where the ratings don't shine, but I couldn't help but notice that the show already got moved to a new time and day...

Oh, and casting. Take true advantage of Dave Foley. I think we have a man who can be a truly harsh judge, not just a sunshine-blower. If Brian Posehn is having a hard time, he's having a hard time. Give it to 'em. He's a pro, he can take it... I'm pretty sure Mr. Foley is on a tight leash. I think it should be loosened.

... and You Will Know Me By The Trail of Unfinished Projects

2007-04-09T13:04:00.000-06:00

It is one hell of a thing, writing about something that really happened.

Writing about someone that close to you.

I haven't written anything new recently. But I did receive a chain e-mail that warned me "Send this on within 300 seconds or your MOM will DIE!!"

Ha. Joke's on them.

I don't really know if it's okay to have a sense of humor about tragedy. I'm not sure who I offend when I say things like that... It's a very similar sensation to when somebody close to you passes and you feel like you committed the greatest sin by being relieved.

Relieved that they don't have to be in pain any more. Relieved that there might even be an afterlife where they can be at peace. Or even so far as relieved that they might get a second chance in a new life, if that's your thing... But where it starts to feel awful is the relief that you yourself don't have to worry, agonize, and stress yourself out any more about that person... You no longer have to wonder when they will get better, or when they'll get worse. It's the most selfish and crumpling feeling I've ever had.

It was April 6, 2000 when she took her own life. My mother. And it's easy to remember because I love music, and all news I hear is about Kurt Cobain on the 8th. I want to make the most appropriate tribute possible, but it's hard to know just what that is. A play? I want it to be, but then I was watching an old rerun of The Simpsons, And when Lisa was failing at Tap Dancing, Marge and Homer told her that she could still make it big on Broadway by writing a "depressing play" about "coming to terms with things"... No why the hell do I take personal offense to something said on a comedy show over 10 years ago?

I really want it to be somehow uplifting. But it will be what it will be. And it won't be anything if I don't step it up.

Oh yeah, and once I'm finished writing my play, all I've got left is a 2000+ Band Directory I want to have online, a comedy duo that does simultaneous tributes to two different musicians (I'll explain that better some day), and a complete personal and career makeover that I'm going to have to explore before my 10 year High School reunion in June.

But I'm okay. I just needed to burn off some typing steam.

Workshop it Out

2007-03-28T19:54:00.000-06:00

So, I told my Improv Spring-breakers that I'd post a little info about the Whitemud Crossing workshop. Even if you didn't take the workshop, you might find something interesting in the process, so please, join us.

We started off with a little round of "Whoosh!", or whatever you call it... Heck, it's the improv world, so it probably has some nutty name like "Barbra-Ann" or "Mitzy", but for the sake of memory, let's call it Whoosh. Mostly just an energy warm-up, I find it also brings the spontaneous side of the brain alive. By that, I mean it's a good starting point for doing things without thinking too much about consequences and if what you are doing is "good" or "acceptable"... This lead into "Pass the Anything", where we started to accept creative offers of others by receiving an imaginary item the same way it was passed to us. We then turned it into something entirely new. It's always been one of my favorites.

We moved on to "Yes, Lets!", a game where the only rule is that we must accept enthusiastically the suggestions of others and do the activity suggested with full commitment. I like using this early on because of all the fundamentals it has in it: Spontaneity (shouting a random activity without premeditating it), accepting (always saying yes, which is important to the beginner improv artist), commitment (doing every activity to the fullest) and not questioning each other (making the other improviser look good by committing to the task they suggested). I'm sure there's even more good in this game.

Next up: "What are you Doing?", an activity where two improvisers make constant offers to each other, making both create a reality based on a simple activity. This game can be used to help reinforce how the mundane is a great place to start in a scene. We don't have to be blasting off to outer space. We could be tying a shoe. An extra challenge to add to this is to say a platform must be set up; Each suggestion should have a Who, What and Where. For example:

A: "What are you doing?"
B: "I'm eating breakfast in the kitchen before my high school midterm".

Person B doesn't have to say "I'm a student eating breakfast in the kitchen", they can allow us to figure who they are by just being clear. We did not attempt this version of "What are you doing" for the workshop, but it's worth a try if you have a chance.

We took a little break. When we came back, I took out the pool noodles. I use them for something called "This is my...", in which participants take turns imagining the pool noodle as anything but. They announce what it is, and then they must use it as that item. Really good for developing the creative and imaginative side in my opinion.

It was then time for some character work. I love the fact that characters allow freedom to the actor, in that they are no longer confined to what they personally would do, it's now all about what the character does. I showed everyone a little trick in which you lead yourself with various parts of the body to change your posture and frame of mind: those who were there know what I mean. We played a fast and furious version of "Hitchhiker", in which the actors come up with characters on the spot and are driven to destinations, allowing for some conversation along the way. It's an interesting way to lead into relationships, but for the most part, the meetings in "Hitchhiker" are between strangers... which can certainly develop a relationship, but I save that for the next little item...

"Fairy tale in a Minute". Finally, a story. Some might wonder why this game. I use it because we have a simple story that everyone should have a basic understanding of, and we put a time constraint on it so that we start seeing the game side of improv as well as making sure all dialog is to-the-point. Also, the relationships and status in these stories are mostly already understood, so there doesn't tend to be battles among improvisers for attention or importance. It also makes for a clear beginning, middle and end, so is a good beginner narrative tool. People can totally argue this stuff with me, but that's what I've found about this game in my experience. We chose Cinderella, and honestly, I have never done a workshop where the group didn't choose Cinderella. Can't explain that, other than maybe it has a Fairy in it, and that subconsciously influences folks to suggest it. Just before we did our "Cinderella in a Minute", we did a little story-from-scratch stuff by doing a tap-out monologue and a conducted story... We also touched on some popular ask-for's/suggestions from the audience, like asking for:

- an occupation
- a non-geographical location
- what is in my hand (the improviser holding an imaginary, un-formed object)
- a relationship between two people
- an emotion

et cetera, etc. etc.

It wrapped up well. The improvisers shared the stage, weren't selfish, and worked like a team. All around, the smoothest workshop I've been a part of yet. Thanks, if you all came by to read.

Any senior/junior/beginner improviser/person can certainly discuss the validity of any of the games and activities if they would like in the comments section or they can e-mail me at:

spallier@hotmail.com

Links of Non-Sausage & Boxing

2007-03-16T08:39:00.000-06:00

Before you read, check out my new links. Yeah, you get to read of the misadventures of Trish, Ang, and Jeff. It'll be fun.

I decided on a new feature. It goes a little something like this: I throw my hand into a shoebox full of Atari games, and whatever one I pull out, I have a little chat about what I remember about it. Today, I have picked:

BOXING: Realsports Series

This was a game initally intended for the Atari 2600, but lucky me, the Atari 7800 is 2600 compatible. So I was able to enjoy minutes upon minutes of fun, helping a black guy beat up a white guy, or vice versa. It seemed to be the old Atari formula: White man versus Black man. I guess it was just easier to make the distinction... However, on the cover, it actually shows a Black guy socking it to a less-Black guy, so maybe my memory is a little hazy...

I do certainly remember that 5 people watch the match, well, 5 peg-like people who pulsate up and down if the action grows. The sound gets louder the more of a pounding you lay into each other. You can punch for the head or the breadbasket. That's it.

If you win, you bounce off the 4 ropes repeatedly, walking on top of your opponent as you go. Your opponent will lay diagonally, knees crooked, motionless. And the 10-count is hideously fast. It is however, a technological breakthrough that the part of the body you hit actually matters in this 1988 classic. It will move appropriately when your stick-like arms strike. The sound, however, regardless of what you hit, sounds like a ping-pong ball being shot at a steel plate in a hermetically sealed room.

I actually played this game (and many others) against a regular reader. So what do you say, Al? Time for me to hook up the old dinosaur so we can go another few rounds?

Cover Your Heads: The Conclusion

2007-03-10T10:46:00.000-07:00

The show is now complete. Things went smooth, except for the fact that my playlist said we were going to spin Social Distortion, not Johnny Cash, but hey, whatever. These things happen.

Here's useless information for my last 4 songs on my "Top 20" list. You now know that 3 of these 4 were chosen. Here we go:

17. METISYAHU - Message in a Bottle
Original artists The Police seem to be back together, so doest this mean the end of Klark Kent? Although apparently, Stewart Copeland has never admitted to being Klark Kent, or, at times, Klerk Kant, it's definitely him. The only song under this alter ego to get any airplay was "Away from Home".

18. RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE - Renegades of Funk
This one comes from the man who brought us "Planet Rock". Afrika Bambaataa has been hiding his age since day one. He has yet to reveal his exact date of birth... Although, if my sources are correct, he's going to be 50 years old as of April.

19. FOO FIGHTERS - Baker Street
The original artist of Baker Street was Gerry Rafferty, and most people know him better as the lead singer for Stealers Wheel, that band that did "Stuck in the Middle". Guitar replacing saxophone in this update? Much, much better.

20. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS - Love Rollercoaster
Initially recorded by the Ohio Players, a band that was once part of a scandal over this very song: An urban legend states that the model from the cover of the album was murdered in the studio when she complained about the honey burns she received from the photo session. Fans were led to believe that either the manager of the band killed her, or some random intruder did when she came to complain... You can hear her screams right on the track, listeners state. Hee hee.

Hope you liked the show, if you listened. If not, I love you anyway.

Cover Your Heads Part IV

2007-03-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so tomorrow's the big day. And only one of the songs on today's list will be played... Can YOU guess which one? First right answer gets my shares in Microsoft (seeing that I don't have any, but what a generous offer if I did).

13. NIRVANA - The Man Who Sold the World
Initially by David Bowie, and everyone knows that guy has been everything from an Androgynous Alien to a Plastic Soulster, but not everyone knows that he was once living in a Buddhist Monastery. He was also a mime in the early days, perhaps explaining his penchant for makeup.

14. COWBOY JUNKIES - Sweet Jane
I was always far more familiar with the Cowboy Junkies version than the Velvet Underground one, so I was super-depressed to discover that 54-40's "Crossing a Canyon, one of my favorite songs, is a tissue paper-thin near exact copy of the original. Listen for yourself someday.

15. 5,6,7,8's - Woo Hoo
To complicate things, there are two bands called the Rock-a-Teens (this song's first performers), and I'm talking about the 1950's band, just for the record. It's a total mess in books and websites trying to get info on this classic primitive band. Fans of the Movie "Pecker" would have heard the initial cut of this song already, and realized that not every all-girl Japanese band has an amazing talent for writing their own brand of rockabilly... or any music at all, for that matter.

16. CAPTAIN TRACTOR - London Calling
Chart success came late in America for original artists, The Clash. Not only did it come late at first, it also came very late when in 1991 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?", a former Modern Rock Door song, hit high after being used in a Levi's Commercial...

So blow the dust off your radios, friends. Tune into your friendly neighborhood Shawn tomorrow, and if you're not in Edmonton, listen on:
radiosonic.fm

Cover Your Heads Part III

2007-03-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

4 of the next 4 songs will hit SONiC this Thursday at 10 pm...

9. CAKE - I Will Survive
Original artist Gloria Gaynor was more that just another disco queen, she was a pioneer. She made one of the first ever "you-are-supposed-to-dance-to-this" albums (in other words, dance music). She even did a performance for Pope John Paul II... Like Johnny, she was a born-again Christian, so that kind of helped her not die of drug abuse and such.

10. THE CLASH - I Fought The Law
First performed by Buddy Holly's Band "The Crickets" in 1960, the famous cover is by the Bobby Fuller Four in 1966. Bobby Fuller's death is still the subject of controversy, as he was found with a stomach full of gasoline and was beaten badly. The police ruled suicide.. That means that practically nobody that has a famous version of this song is alive... creepy.

11. U2/GREEN DAY - The Saints are Coming
Member of the original artists for this song (The Skids), guitarist Stuart Adamson, was a punk rocker, but he went on to perform with the decidedly un-punk Big Country. He took his own life in 2001 just before the band was to open for Bryan Adams.

12. PEARL JAM - Last Kiss
Originally written and performed by Wayne Cochran, the version everyone knows is J. Frank Wilson's. You have to see Wayne Cochran to believe him. He once had a pompadour which doesn't seem possible, and it is platinum blond. He screamed his voice into oblivion by the mid 1960's. Screamo bands, let that be a warning to you.

Cover Your Heads Part II

2007-03-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

I should point out, only 12 of the 20 songs I talk about will actually be on "Hey Ma! I'm on Sonic" at 10 pm on Thursday, March 8th, but I'll write about all of them, like they were my little song children.

5. JOHNNY CASH - Hurt
Trent Reznor, founding and frequently only member of Nine Inch Nails rented the Charles Manson Murder House, and that's where the original "Hurt" and the whole "Downward Spiral" album was recorded. He claims he didn't know it at the time, but...
Other Cover versions performed by: Dead Rites, Christy Moore, Razor Skyline, Ark Sano, Tin Electric

6. GNARLS BARKLEY - Gone Daddy Gone
Legend has it the Violent Femmes, original artists of this track, were signed following a busking stint entertaining the line for a Pretenders concert... And that makes sense, considering the late James Honeyman-Scott of that band once laid claim to their discovery.
Other Cover versions performed by: Codebreaker, Reach Around Rodeo Clowns

7. WHITE STRIPES - Walking With a Ghost
Interestingly, the writers and first performers of this song, Tegan and Sara, had a different name when they started: "Sara and Tegan". I guess it just didn't sound natural enough, so they reversed it. If you're lucky, you have a copy of the album with that original name, because it didn't last long... It was reprinted quite quickly with the names the "right" way around.
Other Cover versions performed by: Nobody that I know of, so let me know if you've heard one.

8. SOCIAL DISTORTION - Ring of Fire
You've probably now heard every story possible about Johnny Cash, but I'm pretty sure the movie didn't say much about his 1982 album with Jerry Lee Lewis and Carl Perkins (the original artist of "Blue Suede Shoes"). It was called "The Survivors", and it was live. Not a shocker that it was mostly gospel songs- Johnny was still in his "fundamental Christian" stage... Glad he snapped out of that, for artistic reasons at least.
Other Cover versions performed by: Wall of Voodoo, Def Leppard, Blondie, Ray Charles, Bob Dylan, Tom Jones, Frank Zappa, and countless, countless others

Four more songs tomorrow...

"Cover" Your Heads

2007-03-04T10:10:00.000-07:00

Here comes a bombardment of useful information.

I want to get a little in depth on the covers that made my top 20 list, so here's the first 4:

1. GOB - Paint It Black

Originally a 1966 hit for The Rolling Stones, this gem has been covered countless times, but SONiC likes the version by Vancouver's Gob... The Rolling Stones are the kings of debauchery; From being involved with all sorts of young girls and models to being found dead at Pooh Corner, these guys ARE rock n' roll, and I'm pretty sure you knew that already.
Other Cover versions performed by: The Animals, Deep Purple, Echo and the Bunnymen, U2, The Tea Party and... uh, Vanessa Carlton?... and many many more.

2. SOCIAL CODE - Whisper to a Scream (Birds Fly)

First known as "Birds Fly (Whisper to a Scream) in 1984, it's now been reversed. The Icicle Works (later known as simply Icicle Works) came together in Liverpool. The self-titled debut that this track comes from is critically acclaimed, but that line that most people measure themselves up to, North American Success, eluded them outside of a few die-hard fans (props to Christine)... But most people have still heard this original. Edmonton's own Social Code should get a hell of a lot of cred for picking a cover that hasn't been beaten to death.
Other Cover versions performed by: Soho (for the "Scream" soundtrack, and I'm not sure of any others).

3. OUT OF YOUR MOUTH - Music

What's there left to be said about Madonna? My third Canadian act on the list, Calgary's Out of Your Mouth, give this tune the ol' "let's make it dark and heavy" treatment... which actually could be argued about the other two songs on this list... Nah. The other two are the whole "let's give it the Me First and the Gimme Gimmesque" treatment. Anywhoo, point being, Madonna jumped on the Mr. DJ bandwagon and made us dance. Out of Your Mouth made us thrash. And SONiC DJ Graham Scott gets snooty cred for not knowing this song was originally by Madonna.
Other Cover versions performed by: Adam Marano, The Mysterious Girl (although these first two are copies more than covers), Jackass (not the movie, the band, this cover is rockabilly-fied).

GARY JULES w/Michael Anderson - Mad World

Yep. That creepy song from the video game commercial & Donnie Darko was a Tears for Fears dancefloor classic in a previous life. Gary Jules sings on this Michael Anderson re-arrangement done for the aforementioned movie, and it's absolutely chilling... Tears for Fears is my "Geek Love". I've been into them since I was in Elementary School. After over a decade of stalling, they did make another album in 2004 together, and they seem to still be together.
Other Cover versions performed by: Jan Wayne, Alex Parks, Wise Guys

Come back tomorrow for 4 more songs.

Hey Ma! I'm (Gonna be) on Sonic!

2007-03-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

And I'm pleased as punch.

On Mick Jagger and Screeching

2007-02-27T23:46:00.001-07:00

I really enjoyed the Wolfmother concert.

'Nuff said on that. Judge me if you want.

Side notes on that concert:

Dude from the Icarus Line: You're pretty good, and you'll only get better. But there's only one Mick Jagger, and you're not it. David Johansen, AKA Buster Poindexter, tried to act like Mick when he was in the New York Dolls & when he was solo, and he looked silly. Just imagine what you look like. Find your own thing. And no, the crotch grabbing wasn't it. That's Michael Jackson.

Dudes in Wolfmother: Experimental is definitely good. It's cool to hear that you want to go in new directions. A band I love very much, Spoon, is constantly experimenting. And guess what? Their songs are pretty short. And good... Which brings me to my point...

You guys had a lot of fun treating us to some long-form jams. But experimental doesn't have to be long-form. Don't get the two confused. This ain't the 60's or 70's any more. I didn't find "The Sultans of Swing" to be all that experimental, yet it was damn long. In fact, it was quite plain... You see? Long can be boring. Boring. Boring... and screeching can be annoying.

Despite all the criticism, I had a f'n blast. I loved it, and it was lovely. The music was tight, loud, and entertaining. I just need to be all artsy and critic-y to make me feel better about my own non-existent music career.

Oooo. Burn. On myself.

See? I can go from self-righteous to self-loathing in 5.5 seconds. That should be my superpower.

Bigger Than Love

2007-02-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

February 14, 2007.

Valentine's day for many, but something entirely different for me.

That was the day I made the music stop on Sonic 102.9... for those not familiar, Sonic has a contest called "Make it Stop", where a particularly bad song that we'd all like to forget is played until a caller can end the madness by naming the song and artist.

Me winning a name-that-tune-style contest? Didn't see that coming...

The song was "Love's Theme" by the Love Unlimited Orchestra. Let's just say I love Barry White, the conductor of said Orchestra.

Anyway, I get a Departed DVD. Meh. I could've done worse.

You can all come over and watch it with me.

Changing My Life. Day after Day. Hoo-ray.

2007-02-13T22:41:00.000-07:00

So.

I got a job as a DJ.

I quit before it started.

I haven't wrote any more play monologues... Oh wait, I have:

"Vacation time.

The mountains. It was summer, and I hoped having her out of the house would help her feel better. I just wanted her to feel better.

But really, there wasn’t much difference. She seemed the same.
That was, until we got to the lake.

It was late in the evening, and the sun was glistening gold on the surface. And then they started. The fish were leaping out of the water, flipping in midair, and falling back, almost gracefully. And she smiled.

And she watched.

And I could have sat there forever.

The next morning, she was back to the way she was before. Back to normal, I guess.

So I gave her a hug. And then I realized there was a desperation in my hold on her. I was squeezing too tight, and I probably shook her…

I said, “Come on, Mom. Cheer up. We’re on vacation.”

“I just can’t, Shawn. I can’t.”

And I didn’t understand. And that’s the problem. I was trying to decode her, demystify her behaviour in my head. But that was the problem.

It was too simple. No amount of fixing and solving and thought and time and energy and faith could change it.

She just couldn’t. She just couldn’t."

And then, I did 4200 square feet of insulation. Not after the vacation, today at the store. I know, the monologue is kind of written funny, but it is a rough draft. I probably shouldn't have shared it before it was done. Meh. I'm a sharing kind of guy.

The end.

A Scrap of Paper and a Title

2007-02-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

I've heard this question a couple of times: How's the play coming along?

Well, it's now got a title. "With You".

And here's a snippet of a monologue:

"... I went downstairs in my dad's house... our house. The one that we all lived in together, but we hadn't for a few years...

I had no logical response yet for what had happened. I had yet to, other than the exact moment I heard the news, react at all. So I forced myself. I pushed myself to be normal, to be human... and respond.

I went downstairs into the shower, clothes on. Shower off. Lights off.

And I called to her.

Mom. Mom?

And I got louder and louder. I was sure she would respond. And when she didn't...

I remember hearing about John Lennon, something about shouting therapy... and there was a song where he shouted, like a release, so I released.

Why did you do that? Can't you see? I was just about to make it! You would have been here to see that and be proud. So why? Why?"

And that's a little taste of it. It's been good, trying to write this. I put a lot of pressure on myself to come out with a masterpiece right away, and I'm afraid to write anything that isn't good. So I'm confronting that fear, but now I have to learn how to keep the shitty things I write instead of throwing them away. Because I'll never learn from them if they keep going in the trash.

Also, as you can imagine, writing about something deeply personal is quite cathartic, so don't worry about the intenseness of the above monologue having a negative impact on my mental state. I'm good.

And don't worry if that whole above monologue didn't make much sense, I'm sure it will with the right amount of surrounding context.

So that's that for now. Wish me some sort of writer's good fortune, eh?

What's Underneath the Covers?

2007-01-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

So the time has come for me to attempt to get on Hey Ma, I'm on Sonic again.

Here's the angle I'm hitting it from this time: cover songs that get played on Sonic.

Here's my list:

1. GOB - Paint it Black
2. SOCIAL CODE - Whisper to a Scream (Birds Fly)
3. OUT OF YOUR MOUTH - Music
4. GARY JULES W/Michael Anderson - Mad World
5. JOHNNY CASH - Hurt
6. GNARLS BARKLEY - Gone Daddy Gone
7. THE WHITE STRIPES - Walking With a Ghost
8. SOCIAL DISTORTION - Ring of Fire
9. CAKE - I Will Survive
10. THE CLASH - I Fought the Law
11. U2/GREEN DAY - The Saints are Coming
12. PEARL JAM - Last Kiss
13. NIRVANA - The Man Who Sold The World
14. COWBOY JUNKIES - Sweet Jane
15. 5.6.7.8.'s - Woo Hoo
16. CAPTAIN TRACTOR - London Calling
17. METISYAHU - Message in a Bottle
18. RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE - Renegades of Funk
19. FOO FIGHTERS - Baker Street
20. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS - Love Rollercoaster

The first person who can come up with all 20 original artists, I'll give to you "mad props" on the radio... Unless of course, the covers thing has already been done when I wasn't listening, and therefore, I'm not going on the show.

Meh. Mad props anyway if you know all the answers... Don't google them. That's cheating.

Clean Sweep!

2007-01-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

On the brighter side, here are a few things I am good at on a construction site:

- making coffee
- sweeping the floor
- falling through the ceiling tiles and creating a draft and a mess

A mess which I swept up like a pro!

Never fear, twas just my leg that went through, not all of me... Still...

No Can Do.

2007-01-23T22:09:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of things I'm not very good at:

- lifting drywall
- cutting drywall
- drywalling in general
- stripping wood from 1912
- wiring and stripping wires
- drilling track into a concrete floor
- insulating
- hauling wood out of an elevator shaft
- being a human pack mule
- running wire through a ceiling
- avoiding flying pieces of debris when co-workers have shit fits
- attaching a thingie to some studs with some wires (not that complicated, but I thoroughly chew ass at it... it's fine if you don't know what the "thingie" is, neither do I, and I still don't... you know, a big metal bar that runs through your walls innards and guts... no, not the stud, the thingie going the other way... bah, I just blow. That's really all the that matters here)

Here is a list of what I've been doing since December 30, 2006:

- lifting drywall
- cutting drywall
- drywalling in general
- stripping wood from 1912
- wiring and stripping wires
- drilling track into a concrete floor
- insulating
- hauling wood out of an elevator shaft
- being a human pack mule
- running wire through a ceiling
- avoiding flying pieces of debris when co-workers have shit fits
- attaching a thingie to some studs with some wires

I hope you're not surprised when you read about my digit/limb/nipple-losing emergency situation in the paper when I attempt to use the "planer".

It'll make writing pretty hard if I don't have a nipple... uh, I mean fingers or arms.

October 12, 1947

2007-01-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

To begin at the beginning.

Is is 1947. The war has been over for a couple of years now. The radio is playing Count Basie, Perry Como, and Francis Craig & His Orchestra's "Near You".

The Liddles are expecting a new addition to their family. Bob and Ken are going to have new brother or sister... I'm going to have to find out what they were called back then. Bobby & Kenny? Robert and Kenneth? Booboo and K-Bone?... we'll get that one figured...

They live on a farm with their mother Frieda and their father, the hardest working man in Bobtail, Tom Liddle... I don't really know if they call it Bobtail or Bobtail County or nothing yet... but that's what they call it today.

I just found a copy of that song "Near You". It's perfect for the mood at the top of the play. The massive problem with the play is going to be the music. I just found out that no sound recording is considered "public domain" at all. I was given the false information that anything older than 50 years was cool, but Chad was looking for some tunes, and I'm going to have to delve a little further into copyright laws before I get my heart set on anything.

Born October 12, 1947: Sheila Liddle. I'm going to try to provide little windows and fragments into her life, not a complete history, but a series of slices of her life and those who she touched.

Starting now.

Swing Kids...

2007-01-10T09:01:00.000-07:00

...and the blood runs cold.

The last time you saw Swing Kids, it probably didn't seem like much to you; A Disney presentation, this film takes a not-so-in-depth view at the young German rebels who danced to swing music and enjoyed American culture in direct defiance of the Nazis. It takes a look at their (violent) interractions with the Nazi Youth, and how they were grouped in with any minority that was viewed undesirable at the time in Germany... You know which ones I'm talking about.

But wait, there's more.

I don't think this film will ever be shown or released in the USA again. It's just accidentally drawing on one too many sensitive issues. The most glaring is when one of the characters mentions that the Nazis took Prague and were "greeted as liberators".

Yikes.

And then, there was a quote from Hitler which sounded... ah, most of you know what I'm going to say. I can't say it though, because I'm pretty sure that the FBI would....ghglasj... goapsb.... WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!!! DON'T TAKE MY COMP>>>>>>>>>>>>JFDLSKJf;atiowetjhpo...

___________________________________________________________________

I'm writing you from a cell somewhere in Greenland... I think... They've allowed me 1 minute with a laptop. I will use this opportunity to say this: Somebody help me. I never meant to be the 1,000,000th person to point out similarities between Nazi Germany and current USA. I guess the government was keeping track internationally, and I was officially the one they decided to arrest due to me being that milestone.

I guess I deserved it. I should have written something original.

I love you all...

I mean it this time...

2007-01-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

I'm going to write that mutha of a play.

I've never had more spare time, so too busy is no longer an excuse. The block of the moment is separating good, story-worthy memories of my mom from boring, or even fictitious memories of my mom... Allow me to explain:

Sometimes, I'm not entirely sure if I'm embellishing the truth or telling what really happened. So, every once and a while, I tell a story about somebody or something and somebody will point out a flaw in the story to prove I've at least remembered it wrong, or I'm completely lying.

CURSE YOU, CREATIVE BRAIN of a LEFT HANDER!! A POX ON YOUR SYNAPSES!

Anywhoo, a play.

And you'll all come and see it, because you either like me, and want to see me succeed, or you hate me, and watching me fail serves to inflate your own battered ego.

Lightly battered though, like a good piece of fish.

Steady Eddie?

2006-12-15T09:23:00.001-07:00

Come on, now Alberta! Steady Eddie?

We can do better for nicknames than that, can't we? I mean, he hasn't done anything yet, and he's already Steady Eddie? We didn't call Ralph Klein "Shiny Kleiny" or something dumbass like that when he first came in, so why does Ed Stelmach get so much cred so fast?

I challenge citizens around the world to come up with something that didn't get off the nickname short bus. Or I challenge Albertans to wait until he does something first before we go around acting like he's our old High School buddy.

Steady Eddie... What if he gets Parkinson's? Steady Eddie... What if he gets an inner ear infection and starts falling down a lot?

Then we'll certainly look like a right jolly bunch of sots for jumping the gun like this.

Details, Details.

2006-12-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

Dear 104.9,

I have to listen to your radio station for the Christmas season. It's always playing xmas tunes, and that's what's suitable for my store.

I tried tuning into your station for a couple of days in late November, but the seasonal music hadn't started yet... But, of course, your music was acceptable for the store, so I kept it on anyway. I know this really doesn't matter at all, but I noticed something pretty major within the first few moments of listening: I don't think your DJs are particularily fond of music.

It's pretty basic stuff: A nice woman's voice tells us something along the lines of "And now, the Andrews Sisters", and you start playing "Mr. Sandman" by the Chordettes. The Chordettes! Just because some ladies are singing doesn't mean that you're automatically playing the Andrews Sisters... I mean, the song wasn't even from the same era, and the Chordettes really, really don't sound like the Andrews Sisters apart from they are female, and they sing in unison/harmony.

Totally unreasonable rant, I know, but even the casual music listener that likes the music of the 50's would have noticed... Oh, and so far as that "we play music that would never embarass you" promo you run? I get it. No swearing, yelling, or speaking of booties, bitches, jelly, humps, lovely lady lumps, pimps, hos, sweater muffins, or... uh... ass cleavage... So as to not damage the delicate creampuffy insides of a shielded listener's life.

However, it is reasonable to believe that a 15-year old listener might get very embarassed if their parent/guardian was playing your radio station in the car while giving his/her friends a ride to school and decided to crank up the Celine Dion/Michael Bolton to extreme levels and say "Hey! This is that song you love so much, isn't it?".

Yep. Leaving one of your listeners embarassed.

But keep up the good work with the christmas tunes.

Na na na na na na na na CATscan!!

2006-11-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

See what I did there? What with the Batman thingy in the title?... ah, forget it.

Anyhow, it's that time again when I have a bizarre medical scare. If it ain't throwing up and heaving, it's falling down and seizing for me.

Well, not a seizure necessarily, but something of that nature. To make a long story short, my buddy watched me pitch myself to the floor and twitch around for a while, so I went to the doctor and the doctor said,

"NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED!"

Uh, I mean, he referred me to the University Hospital for a CT scan, or CAT scan, or whatever you medical-types think it's real name is. Eggheads.

So I go to the hospital, and here's a little hint I want to pass along to the genius who put up the signs: If the area is called "Radiology", then put up a sign that says "Radiology", not whatever the hell the sign said. Something like "Pictured Result Scanning and Related Fields" doesn't really help Joe Lunchbox here.

I must say, I actually enjoyed the ride on the ol' CT Machine: First, they make you lay perfectly still for roughly 2 minutes, to build anticipation... I guess. Then, the table starts to move up and down, back and forth, and a big mama cylinder with lights reminiscent of "Batteries Not Included" (you know, the little UFO-like Aliens that help old people movie) spin around your head, taking pictures of your thinker...

If I don't hear back from the Doc, that's good. But I'm not too worried.

If you haven't seen "Batteries Not Included", you really should. I find movies that were made like this one before CGI was considered good enough make for a much more enjoyable viewing experience. Because you're like, whoa, that was done nicely, instead of whoa, that was good CGI.

It took us 2 years to animate the fur so it looked natural... Well, maybe you should have used puppets then... or humans in mascot-like uniforms. Because you're never getting those two years of your life back.

Truckload of Kryptonite

2006-11-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in every superhero's life where their powers fade. Either that, or there is something causing it to slip, either a physical, real thing, or something more psychological.

Lately, I feel a little like the Lady Lovin' Lynx has lost his Soul Finger.

But it's cool, I'm sure it's totally in my head... Or... OR!!!... I bet there is some supervillian out there, maybe his name is Erik Von ElevatorMusik, and he's playing a particularily crappy cover of "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang, maybe some sort of Casiotone version with the damn thing set to mandolin, like some sort of freaky, alien jackhammer pounding out the feel-not-so-good melody.

Celeleleleleleabratatatatate ggggoooododod timimes cccc'comomomon!

And if I can muster up some power, maybe I can get him to stop... I just need to remember that I'm still funktastic...

And thus, Triple L will rise again.

It's a Mad World

2006-11-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

Some people give me a rough time about my Tears for Fears album.

They're like, "Dude, why would you have something so hopelessy 80's and cheesy in your otherwise acceptable music collection? Why deviate from the path of awesomeness?"

I object. That album is awesome.

And I'm glad that the glowing miracle that is television is proving my point yet again...

There's that commercial (for a video game, "Gears of War"), you know the one. A dude looking like a GI Joe on steriods is running through barren, war-torn streets. He's passing bodies, debris, and the obligatory children's toy...

GI Juice-monkey enters an abandoned, shattered building. Hiding in the dark: A gigantic, robotic spider. Our hapless soldier spews machine gun bullets from his phallus, only to be (possibly) dramatically defeated by four sharp mechanical legs...

Now, the score to this commercial should be obvious. It should be "Random Metal" by "Studio Musicians pretending to be a Band". Or perhaps it would be "Dramatic Cheaply-Purchased Rights to Orchestra kind-of sounding like John Williams"... But nay. It is a haunting rendition of Roland Orzabal's classic Tears for Fears song "Mad World" as interpreted by Michael Andrews and Gary Jules, also heard in "Donnie Darko" and at the top of the UK charts in 2003.

Everybody wants to rule the world, and Tears for Fears, you once did. And you still rule a portion of my heart.

Skeletons in the Pencil Cup

2006-11-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

It's funny when a holiday passes, and we are left with it's remnants.

A lot of the pencils here have skeletons on them, and the skeletons are frantically waving bats away from their faces. And a geeky ghost is flying around with the bats, seemingly oblivous. Or the skeletons are dancing, and the bats are swarming in to watch their mad skills. And the aforementioned ghost is still without a care. He is smiling.

How do you really know how a skeleton is feeling? They all seem to have the same expression on their faces. Unless they are the types you hang up in an elementary school. Those kinds are smiling, and they usually have eyeballs.

But alas, a true skeleton cannot smile. It can simply stay motionless, or bleach if exposed to sunlight. Or if it is hooked up to a sort-of animatronics device, it can squeal and spew delicious puns.

Anyway, what was I getting at?

Oh yeah, Halloween is over, man... Like, over a week ago. Time to throw those pencils into the fire, or donate them to a Poor Goth Charity.

I'm sure they could always use more pencils.

And Now, a Dialogue from Blackbyrd Myoozik

2006-11-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

David: I want to get something something in your cabinet.

Clerk: What do you want?

David: Oh, just something in that cabinet in that corner...

Clerk: Yeah. But WHAT?

David: (surprised) Uh... The Killers Box Set...

Clerk: Okay then.

Mr. Clerk, you proved to myself and my friend that you are definitely jaded and cool. Good on ya. That's the spirit. I love your record boutique. Keep on making people feel like pieces of rotting vegetables in a downtown dumpster, that's the way to success.

But I guess I keep coming back. And you probably made fun of my friend for his $50 purchase... I mean come on, the Killers? They are so totally not Indie...

But from the interviews I've read, they are complete assholes, so you might have something in common with them!

Burn.

When I Was Your Age

2006-11-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that there is a 45 minute wait at a chain restaurant.

I mean sure, it's good food, the chefs are trained in Italy, and I like Moretti Beer (very mild, yet refreshing), but 45 minutes? I shoulda gone to some local eatery, or, uh, got some Bertoli...

Anywhoo, that's not really my point. My real point is this: If your child is over 4'11" tall, they are NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING RESEMBLING A SIPPY CUP in a restaurant!!

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're going to say. What if she's one of those allergy/bubble kids who needs this sippycupesque liquid to stay alive? What if she's just getting over her parents divorce and needs this cup as a security blanket? What if somebody died in her life and this is the cup they treasured, or the cup was the last gift to her?

Meh.

It still looked dumb.

Time to Play The Game

2006-11-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

Okay brothers and sisters.

It's high time that I started bringing my "A" Game to the show again. For the last few months (really, since the beginning of the season), I feel like I've been performing at a solid "C" level.

I know that's not good enough.

But it's tough... It doesn't seem to matter how many years I do improv (14, for those who haven't see my bio), I always hit a spell where I'm not really clicking like I should, and I feel like appologizing to the audience for that.

Unfortunately, I usually am. You can tell in my body language and facial expressions that I'm improvising as well as being "sorry for being shitty", which doesn't help the audience, the cast members, the higher-ups, or me.

So it doesn't matter if I perform or not tonight, I just want you (my 4 readers, that is) to know that from this day forward, I'll envision myself as an unforgiving SUPASTAR... Understanding all the time that being modest whilst projecting that is a delicate balance.

And at the same time as being more confident, I'll be more relaxed. I'll do the warm-ups that I know will get me out of my head, and stop questioning or even subtly mocking my artform.

Kind of a strange read today, I know, but I have to get that off my chest.

Uh... yeah, nothing really funny or insightful in all that... so... uh... CRAYZEE MONKEYS!!! WHEEE!!!

Crazy monkeys can be funny.... Now, for something insightful... Uh... If god created the world, who created god???.... TRIIIIPY... WHOA!!!

Shawn out.

And Now, A Letter.

2006-10-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Sloan,

(Boys, your concert reminded me of a challenging date with an intelligent and beautiful girl. So, I will write this letter as if you were one.)

I must say, you were radiant the other night. You were charming, smooth, and your charisma filled the room. I felt like I was at home with you, and you really swept me off my feet. However, I was left wondering if the earlier part of the evening was intentional or just some excruciating mistake that you wished never happened.

I arrived at our meeting place a little early, and I know, that's a little desparate for a second date. I'm sorry, I just can't help myself. You told me to be there by 8:00, so I was there by 7:30, and I knew you wouldn't be there until at least 9:30 or 10:00.

Boy, was I wrong.

It's cool to be fashionably late, but I was really worried about you. 9:30 came, but it wasn't you. You told me you'd have a friend come along, so I wasn't upset... But I thought your friend would be there earlier, and then it would leave more time for the two of us. Yoko Casiono is lovely, but I just wanted to see you sooner.

So myself and Yoko were hanging out for a while, but I really started to get worried when she left and you still weren't there. I mean, sure, it's okay, but it was already 10:45 by then.

I started drinking. It's not your fault, I just got bored. I wanted to stay on par with you, and I didn't want to get up to relieve myself in the middle of our date... It was a terribly, awfully long line that I waited in to get my drink, and many people were getting upset.

Next time, let's meet somewhere else.

So 11:30 came and we finally connected. Wow. I really enjoyed myself, but for the last 30 minutes of our date, I really had to pee. Sorry for running off on you like that, but I had to go something fierce. I had to settle for looking at you from across the room for the last few minutes of our date, because I could not get back in the lounge, but I did wave goodbye. Because our date ran so late (it was after 1 am) there were no buses running and no cabs to be found.

I walked almost all the way home that night, Sloan. And it was cold. You should have offered me a ride or a parka... Or maybe you should have come to our date a little earlier.

But I can't stay mad at you, Sloan. I just can't. I spent more money on you that day, and I even spent more today.

Let's make our third date a little more magical... I await your return.

With Love,

Shawn Pallier
Edmonton, AB

Deceprachaun?

2006-10-27T15:55:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I had this great idea for a halloween costume.

I was going to be an unknown Decepticon (none of these well known characters to the left here) known as "DECEPRACHAUN!!"

The basic idea is he would be an Irish-labour built transformer, and he would be part Leprechaun, part decepticon.

But you probably guessed that already.

Fortunately, many Leprechaun costume pieces were available to me. Unfortunately, no Transformer stuff was to be found.

And thus, a mere Leprechaun I will be, but a bonny one indeed!

Confounding Confusing Conservatives

2006-10-25T09:38:00.000-06:00

Yo, check this out.

I get a memo in the mail saying that the Conservatives want to increase funding by $50 million to the arts, and that the NDP and Liberals voted against it.

Huh?

I can only imagine the real conversation went something like this:

"Alright, pitiful house!! This is HAR-POR, Your almighty leader. I would like to pass a bill that will make KICKING PUPPIES MANDATORY. Bwahhh-hahaha!!! And I want to tag on a $50 million dollar increase to the Canada Council for the Arts to give you Liberals a major headache as to whether this bill should be passed or not! Eahahahaaa!!!"

So naturally, the so-called Left would have to vote against it. I mean, kicking puppies? But the Conservatives got it passed somehow, and they only told us about the Art thing and not the abusing baby animals thing.

And that's how I see it.

An Important Message About Diet Soda

2006-10-23T10:42:00.002-06:00

And the important message is this:

Don't try to get that cool geyser of aspartamey goodness with a Mentos that has a coated shell.

According to the boys at Mythbusters, only the original, non-coated Mentos work for the awesomeness that is a "diet pop cascade".

True, this may be old news for most of us, but I just want to make sure everyone out there knows that it only takes a minute to go down to your local corner store, buy a pack of Mentos and a two-litre of pop to impress your friends, relatives, and strangers... but I don't want anyone to make the mistake of buying anything but the white mints.

Green? No Go.

White? Big Show.

Got it? Good.

Thanks once again, Mythbusters, for bringing us the news that our moms would certainly believe would take our eyes out.

Hey, I wonder what would happen if I put a penny in there...

Check out some music:

Artist of the Day (in the blog section)

You Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'?

2006-10-20T13:09:00.000-06:00

Got to be startin' somethin.

So I've decided that I'm going to use my "myspace" page for a training ground in music journalism.

The idea is, I will start with my ol' friend Robby Suter (lead guitar and vocals for Motive Unknown). I'll click on his profile, and pick a band to summarize from his list. I'd profile him, but his band isn't quite ready to go yet. It's still in the recruitment phase.

Then, I'll click on a band from the list of the band I profiled first. It'll be a little journey down the path of music using Myspace.

Should be fun. Yay. However, that means the whole "song of the day" thing that I do will be moved to the blog section of:

http://www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Okay then. Peach. I mean, Peace.

PS- I am well aware of the irony that I just said in my last post that I wanted to be an actor, yet now I'm talking about music journalism... A man can be both, can't he?

Dream On

2006-10-19T14:59:00.000-06:00

My dream? To be a professional actor.

Now, it's my literal dreams.

I don't dream a heck of a lot about performing. I don't really dream about acting often enough to give it much thought. But lately, the last few nights, acting has been flooding my head.

I had a dream several nights ago that everyone had gone to an opening night party for one of my co-actor's shows. It was also the opening night of a play I had written and directed, and for some reason, my show and his party were in the same building. Everyone was cool about it and wanted to come see my show...

A couple of nights later, I was a voice talent for a cartoon. I was in a studio, and the work was long, but satisfying...

Then, just last night, I had a dream I was at a debut screening of a Hollywood-budget RFT movie, starring everyone including myself. I had a small role, but it was a role with lines, which was awesome...

It's funny that I dream within reason like that. I mean, I know it's a long shot that I'll write and direct my own show soon, or that RFT would get a Hollywood budget to produce a film, but I still feel that these "dreams" are within reach. Possible.

I think that's cool. Sometimes, it's easy to forget just how lucky we are in Edmonton to be absolutely flooded with talent that has the potential to do some huge things. It's just the motivation hurdle that most of us have to jump.

Now, who wants to help me make a HOLLYWOOD BUDGET MOVIE STARRING, WRITTEN, AND DIRECTED BY MEEEE!!! WHOOO!!!

I like to dream big, too.

Song of the Day: "Flying High Again" by Sloan. Only 1 1/2 minutes long, still cool.

A Duck-Dodgy Subject

2006-10-17T13:10:00.000-06:00

If there is one thing the internet has taught me and beat into my head, it is this:

People are freaky, yo.

I have the bonus feature of knowing how people got to "The Generalizer". I know just what keywords they typed in. For Example:

"Shawn Pallier"
"Thegeneralizer"
"Shawn Pallier is hot"
"Nude Shawn Pallier"
"Dancing Shawn Pallier"
"I Hate that 'tard Shawn Pallier"

etc.

However, quite often, people stumble across the Generalizer looking for entirely different subjects than my musings. I definitely will not share them all here, but I just have to share the most recent one. It came from Sweden... Linkoping, to be exact.

"Sexy Marvin the Martian and Duck Dodgers".

Now, searching for "Marvin the Martian and Duck Dodgers"?. Fine. I did once write about them. However, it wasn't a very sexy article... And hey, I shouldn't judge folks. If a picture of Marvin the Martian with lipstick and fishnet stockings is what does it for you, then I salute your uniqueness.

Swedes. Gotta love 'em.

Song of the Day: "Waiting for Slow Songs" by Sloan. All this loving of Sloan songs has reminded me that I haven't received my tickets in the mail yet...

You Look Down, Care for a Sausage?

2006-10-16T10:59:00.000-06:00

A quote:

"Nobody cares more about commercials than the Palliers."
A. Lupul, 2006

Quite true. There's just something about advertising on radio and television that captivates me. I remember a lot about the paid plugs I see, and I never forget certain moments. Unfortunately, it's usually the shitty stuff that sticks in my brain like a tumor.

Here are the top three moments from recent commercial history (according to me):

1. "Jim Sokolove". I can barely hold it together when this guy comes on the boob tube. First off dude, your name sounds like "Sock o' love", which brings up all sorts of visuals, from bad porno to bad teenage habits... Second, you get some of the most asinine comments from unbelievably stereotyped actors pretending to be "winners" in your court cases- Exhibit A: The guy with the Buckwheatesque hair that says he "got the money Mama deserved". Holy shit, dude. Capital R racist.

2. "Carl's Jr.". In this parody of an anti-smoking commercial, a guy makes it sound like he's in trouble for all the meat-smoking that he's been doing. So he's quit. He proudly states he'll now let "Carl's Jr. smoke his sausage".

I'm sorry. I'm a very immature man. So that makes me pee myself with laughter.

3. "Public Service Announcement, School Funding". A guy approches a young lady, she cheerfully greets him. He says to her "you seem down". She says she totally feels down about not having enough books for her classroom, and that kids in other schools have to sit on the floor... Um, bummer... But the part that sticks out the most is that this 18 year old girl is supposed to be a school teacher, the 20 year old guy is supposed to be her colleague, and the script SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT SHE "LOOKS DOWN"!" So why, oh why can we not do a second take where she is a little on the glum side instead of cheery? Bah. ACT HARDER!

And this concludes my recent feelings on, uh, liminal messages. Yes, liminal.

Song of the Day: "Last Time in Love" by Sloan. I'm sure some of you have figured out the reason why I choose a Sloan song every day is because I'm going to the concert on October 28. I'm happy. And "Last Time in Love" has a classic Pop song appeal that shows the true genius that Sloan collectively is.

Radio With Comic Timing

2006-10-15T12:34:00.000-06:00

So I'm listening to the news on the radio a couple of days ago. They mention a story about a boy and sports.

You see, the boy in the story is autistic. He plays on a baseball team. His coach isn't terribly fond of the way he plays baseball. The coach is a pussy, so instead of teaching the boy some better fundamentals, he gets a different boy on his team to throw a baseball at the autistic boy's head to hopefully injure him so that he can't play baseball any more... Or at least so he won't play that day.

Immediately following that news story, a commercial.

It was a little boy's voice, talking about how much he liked sports, and how (inexplicably) McDonald's has something to do with that. And the kicker: A sports-style organ solo playing the "ba-ba-ba-ba-ba... I'm lovin' it" music.

Do-do-do-doot-da-do! Charge(s laid)!!

Song of the Day: "People of the Sky" by Sloan. Ba-ba-bada-baaa!

Sam I Ain't.

2006-10-10T10:07:00.000-06:00

I noticed Sonic 102.9, Edmonton's modern rock station (for you out-of-towners who might not know about it) is running a contest in which listeners must name famous people who have the first name "Sam" based on a series of clues.

Only one problem: The last character they were looking for wasn't named Sam.

The clues were this: Funny laugh, chases a "wascaly wabbit", and is from California. So my guess is Elmer Fudd, except for that baffling California part...

However, the answer was Yosemite Sam. Oh, I get it. He's from Yosemite.

Great Horny Toads.

I know, we who listen to the station are supposed to be too cool to know the difference. We're supposed to be so busy primping our shaggy coifs and buying vinyl from Blackbyrd to care about the subtle nuances of Looney Toons. But hey, I care about both... Not that I have much to coif or money to spend at a place where the employees won't acknowledge you if you were Lou frickin' Reed. Sorry Blackbyrd. I'm mad at Sonic, not you.

Well, not mad at Sonic. That's going too far. I just want to chase them with two cartoonishly large guns and shoot at their feet.

Dance.

Song of the Day: "I Am The Cancer" by Sloan. Now that's some fuzzy guitars boys.

It's that time Again When the Trees Imitate My Head

2006-10-05T08:47:00.000-06:00

Yes, I noticed all the leaves are off the trees surrounding my yard... And that mine are the only trees with no leaves. All my neighbour's trees? They have the mystical colours of autumn still hanging from their boughs.

My trees? They look like a moody set from a Vincent Price movie.

I think I was never meant to be a good yard-keeper. I've got somebody's Tim Horton's garbage on there from last winter... I just keep running it over with the lawnmower... WHOO!! Look at that paper fly!!!

I've got the previous residents' garbage under the steps. I could probably get it out of there, but I'm a little afraid it's a human head, or a head of lettuce. Either way, ew.

I've got the dandiest collection of weeds, and the way I keep my coniferous trees pruned? I run over the long ends with (yep, you guessed it) the lawnmower... YeeHAW!! Look at those pine needles fly!!!

Oh trees, I'm sorry for making you prematurely bald. At least I'm no longer alone.

Song of the Day: "Suppose They Close The Door" by Sloan. They took two songs and spliced them together for this. Unless you have the live version. Then they didn't.

Acting? Brilliant?

2006-10-02T08:47:00.000-06:00

The time has come.

I've been putting off trying to do some theatre outside of theatresports for close to 3 years now. It's just too easy to not put in the work and find other things to do.

Like drinking, for one. Or taking up time-consuming hobbies...

But I found myself reading a copy of "Angels in America" today, and desire welled up inside me like some sort of Japanese Movie Monster from the pavement of Tokyo.

It feels like cheating, reading words on a page and saying them back the same way they appear. But then I remembered that it really has nothing to do with the what the words say, it's how the words are delivered.

And remembering all that makes me come alive. I'm going to be doing a little acting workshop, and I think I'll use a scene from "Angels in America". I want to see how we can handle this material, what with our comic leanings.

Let's do this thing.

Song of the Day: "I'm Not Through With You Yet" by Sloan. Leave it up to the boys to finish their album Navy Blue with a song that not only implied many years remained in them, but actually felt like that in the music too... Geah, I'm gettting too flowery today with this entry. Here, let's lighten the poetics for a moment...

Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!!

Y Kant I Listen to Tori? Or Kan I?

2006-09-29T10:56:00.000-06:00

By the way, the opening title is an ubergeek reference to Tori Amos' original album, Y Kant Tori Read. Oh yeah, I'm a know-it-all like that.

I wonder if womyn such as Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco would be okay with the fact that I have some of their music. I don't have a full Ani DiFranco album, but I do have a full Tori one, and I hope that they want men to listen to their music.

Sometimes, I feel like it sure the hell wasn't written for my ears... But it's neat stuff. I mean, who else would cover Eminem like Tori does? WhEEEeeeee.... look at mama...

Evil shit, man. Chilling, sweet.

I'm sure neither of them like to be referred to as "feminists". I think the term is considered to be very yesterday. Like, totally 1998. Yep.

What I'm saying in an extreme round-about way is this: I like their shit. It's good.

That's okay with them, right?

Song of the Day: "Bells On" by Sloan. "If you had a funeral, I'd be there with bells on". Heheh. Now that's what I call lyrics.

Link of the Day: http://www.last.fm According to this site, Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco did a duet. A re-recorded version of perhaps Tori's most famous work, "Silent All These Years". Is that true?

Claire

2006-09-27T09:27:00.000-06:00

I was put on hold. They told me I would be speaking to Claire shortly.

Claire is an automated voice response dealy.

The machine was so busy, they put me on hold to speak to it.

*Sigh*

Song of the Day: "Who Taught You To Live Like That" by Sloan. Methinks the next 30 days or so will be Sloan songs. A month of Sloan if you will.

Link of the Day: www.oliverbot.com Talk to a robot. I did.

My Battle with Coke... A-Cola.

2006-09-24T14:38:00.000-06:00

Friends, it's time I admit something shameful.

Despite what it does to my body, I'm addicted to Coca-Cola.

It all started when I was a young lad, and my drink of choice used to be Orange Co-Op Pop, or Orange Happy Pop. My family and relatives liked the bargain brands, and my allowance of $5 every two weeks would not allow me to buy Orange Crush.

So happily I drank my orange-flavoured beverages, not knowing the dark, soda-soaked future I would spiral into. Sometimes, during special occasions like the Bobtail Picnic (a big gathering of neighbours and friends near the town of Ponoka) I would drink several Pops in one day. Like 6 or 7... It was a sign of things to come.

The years passed, and my taste for adventure kicked in. One time, when we were ordering pizza, I remember there was a big, two-litre bottle of Coca-Cola.

I decided, "fuck orange, I want some of that stuff. I'm a big kid now".

And it started.

The family rules became lax. I noticed that there was always Coca-Cola in the fridge. Sure, sometimes it was Craigmont Cola, or Safeway Select Cola, but it all started to taste the same to me. Delicious.

Soon, I was combining Cola with Doritos. I was out of control: Cool Ranch, Nacho, Zesty Cheese, and I'm sure my breath made me irresistable to the opposite sex...

By the time I reached college, my habit was up to 3 Colas a day: Lunch, after school, and Evening. Sometimes, even more.

I continued this habit well into last year. I had been warned several times by my dentist to "curb the pop" (that's the exact phrase he used every time). But finally, I hit the end of the road.

My dentist said that if I stopped drinking Cola now, I might be able to save my teeth. You see, Cola has Phosphoric Acid in it, and that stuff is a virtual scouring pad on teeth. And wouldn't you know it? So is citric acid... The stuff in Orange Pop/juice/everything...

So here I sit, with a 100% pure juice, no-sugar-added, carbonated with "Refreshe" drink consisting mainly of Cranberry juice and grape juice, the non-citric kind-of-tasty-if-you-shut-off-your-brain flavours that are safe for me to drink.

And I still find myself missing Cola.

Link of the Day: http://www.killercoke.org Whoa, I didn't know this stuff persay... True? False? You be the judge.

Song of the Day: "Shadows Fall" by The Coral. Remember a time when all you had to say to prove that your were cool was "I'm into the Coral"? It worked in and around 2004-05. Really, it did. Give it a little listen at www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

I've Got an Idea For Your Weekend

2006-09-22T07:20:00.001-06:00

... And it starts with your friday night. You don't have plans yet, right? Good.

Here's what www.rapidfiretheatre.com says you should do:

"The new season at THEATRESPORTS opens FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 at 11 PM. Same time, same place (Varscona Theatre, 10329-83 Ave), THAT date.

RFT’s CHiMPROV season begins the day after, SEPTEMBER 23, with the troupes GIANT ROBOT and YOUNG GUNS!"

So for all my buddies who always somehow find an excuse not to come (my tummy hurts, I'm tired... I'M ONLY 4!! I live in another province!), now is your chance to redeem yourselves.

The King is Dead (or he resigned, I don't remember)

2006-09-21T08:22:00.000-06:00

So it has come to pass that King Ralph can go out undefeated.

And that pisses me off.

Okay, so a lot of my friends, relatives, and even my own bosses love him, so who cares what I think, right? Good. Then it's agreed. Everything I say from here forward should not make anyone upset, because all you Klein-lovers can have a big party knowing that you won.

And Alberta lost.

I'm not going to examine the title "King" for too long, other than it describes him perfectly: A ruler with unlimited power.

Who else would offer 10 billion (yes, billion) dollars to any person from Japan during the mad cow crisis (if they got sick from Alberta beef)? Oh yeah, but Klein supporters know that our government has a very limited budget, and that any money cut from health care, social programs, and pretty much anything to do with a cleaner environment is totally reasonable because "There Is...No...More...Money".

Our poor, poor province couldn't possibly put more money into those programs. After all, he never truly intended on shelling out during that beef thingie. That was just to prove a point. He wouldn't have to fork the money over, because nobody would get sick from the beef.

Thanks Pee Wee Herman in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", you gave Ralph Klein an idea; putting up money that never has to be rewarded. But guess what? We probably could have done it.

But then we wouldn't have a lot of money to throw at people when we went through homeless shelters, now would we?

To get through everything he's done would make this a 10-part series.... Shutting the door on same-sex marriage, blatant descrimination on every level, problem drinking... well, maybe I shouldn't be too judgemental on that last one, but come on. He's supposed to be our Premier.

But the dream for Conservatives is soon over in Alberta. Even a new Conservative could never fill those shoes.

Bye now.

A Light Touch With Reality

2006-09-18T14:02:00.000-06:00

Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of traveling at the speed of light... Or at least since, like, 100 years ago and stuff.

I think it can be done.

Somebody told me recently that it was impossible. But Jiminy Cricket said "nothing's impossible", and he's got issues with lying, so I don't think he'd lie about that.

Now, here's the scoop: Attempting to get the body to travel the speed of light through any traditional/cartoonish means (super-slingshot, rocket, sitting by your mama's bum) would not be the way to go. To use an overused phrase, we must think outside the box.

We must solidify light.

If we solidified light, we could use it as our propulsion system. Simply place ourselves in it's path, and ZOOM!! It's a go.

Now, I realize the human body probably cannot withstand the breakneck, breakspine, and liquefy-eyes-speed of light. Therefore, we must invent a Human Turtle Shell, Or Hurtleshell, as I'm calling the prototype. And we'll need some goggles.

Also, we'll need some sort of vehicle to sit in on our magical journey. I'm thinking a hollowed-out shell of a DeLorean would do. It's wedge-shaped enough, and makes a cheeky reference to a certain awesome trilogy...

We would have to strengthen the DeLorean slightly with some sort of something... I don't know yet. But that's the fun of flying by the seat of your pants... Uh, I mean, seat of your modified DMC-mobile.

Now, the real question to all this creativity is way back at the beginning: How do we solidify light? I'll take suggestions, but I'm thinking liquid acrylic would do. Surely, pouring a gigantic bucket of liquid acrylic in front of a 1,000,000 watt lightbulb might have some effect, perhaps solidifying and stretching the liquid and turning it into resin as it zips across the prairies.

Okay, so technically, that wouldn't be solidifying light. Sue me.

At least I've got a plan.

Song of the Day (week): "We Don't Care" by Dan Bryk. I am really a big fan of this dude. And he put a little comment on me ol' myspace last week. Shut up. It might actually be him. Or at least I can fantasize that it was... Give it a listen: www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Link of the Day: http://www.delorean.com/ Sweet.

...And Scene. Picture me waving my hands downwards in an "end-of-scene" style... Picture the lights going down.

2006-09-14T20:53:00.000-06:00

Yes, even though it's "scene" for the Prospect Jam, it's "go" for the new season on September 22.

It's been decided that P-Jam is gonna take a rest. Maybe it will rest for many moons. Maybe it will rest forever, and I think we should all be okay with that.

For those who are kind of pissed, don't be. I'll miss you all being in my life every Sunday, but now you can check out some of the wicked alternatives to P-Jam.

You just have to find them for yourselves... and of course, RFT still offers the best workshops in town.

I think we should have an Irish Wake for the P-Jam. For those who don't know what that is, it's a drunken party celebrating the departure of a friend. 'Twill be sweet.

Shall we name a time and place?

Thinking About Billy Van

2006-09-07T22:39:00.000-06:00

I was flipping.

Not out, the channels.

And then I saw a familiar face.

It was Billy Van, performing on "The Hilarious House of Frightenstein". Some of you might remember this show, but mostly from it's 80's syndication on CBC. Or it's 90's run on YTV. Or it's current airings on Space TV.

Wherever you might have seen this show, one thing can be agreed on for sure: This dude is... something. Well, this dude was something. Word is he died in 2003. May he rest in peace.

I mean, he did a whole show pretty much by himself. He played practically every character. And he could barely decide what sort of show he was doing. At times, it seemed like a children's show (what with the "Pet Vet" character and "The Count" bits, with his wacky inventions). At other times, it was obviously a show for adults (with the hilarious Oracle and messed-up Grizelda).

Man if you haven't seen this show, give it a shot. Low budget fun. Music videos with Igor (played by Fishka Rais, the really freaky fat dude from cult classic "Cannibal Girls"... I believe he was calling himself Kingfish by then), Occasionally wickedly low-budget bits starring Mitch Markowitz as a wise-cracking Mosquito and a hard-to-describe bit where he played Superman revamped as "Superhippie", and here's the part that made it truly awesome:

Ready for it?

Vincent Price!

Seriously, Vincent Price was the Host/Narrator. For the most part, he just recited poetry in that delightful voice with his piercing stare...

Billy Van pressed on with his career, on every show you could possibly name that wasn't very good in the 70's and 80's. Here's an abbreviated list:

The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour
The Bobby Vinton Show
The Sonny and Cher Show (holy crap, they did it again??)
Circus
Bizarre

and of course, being a Canadian,

The Littlest Hobo.

This man had a dedication to sketch comedy unmatched in my estimation. May he continue to be re-shown on a different fledgling station for many generations to come.

Link of the Day: http://www.frightenstein.com/

Song of the Day: "Last Regrets" by Redfish. Saw them once at Urban Lounge. Very much enjoyed the show. Reminded me of Canadian Rock... Could be because they're Canadian. I added it to www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Hasseling Hasselhoff

2006-09-05T09:24:00.000-06:00

So, I'm listening to Sonic the other morning. A fellow states something similar to this:

"One of my heroes is David Hasselhoff. Anyone who can rock Germany that hard is okay in my books."

Or something like that.

I'm like, damn. There is no way there is one scrap of truth to those rumors. I've been hearing about them since High School. People always saying that Hasselhoff is bigger than Elvis in Germany. It never made a lick of sense to me. So finally, I looked it up.

And my mouth was shut.

I guess K.I.T.T.'s bitch really did have some hits in Europe. But the legend is slightly bloated. Yeah, he's got hits, but he's like Europe's Michael Bolton... Or, perhaps more accurately, Tom Jones. It's not as if 15-year-old German teens are screaming for him to have their babies.

Their 44-year-old mothers are.

And even though many websites contest he has "great success" throughout Europe, I can't find any proof of chart positions for his albums or singles. If anyone does, post the link in the comments.

Link of the Day: http://www.esquilax.com/baywatch/ I guess Mitch made someone a little jealous...

Song of the Day: "Unity" by 311. Rap Rock pioneers, they were. When the Red Hot Chili Peppers were the only ones doing this (okay, maybe Beastie Boys too).

An Ode to the Future.

2006-09-01T09:27:00.000-06:00

Mr. David Bakker.

That's right, I'm talking to you, Mulder 007. The rest of you, please read on. Just understand that you're sitting at the table next to us at the Elephant and Castle, bystanders for our plans of self-destruction.

Okay, they're my plans for self-destruction, David just has to agree to them.

First, we're going to order a pitcher. Something dark. A beer-flavoured beer. Let's say, considering it's their motto, a Big Rock Traditional Ale. I prefer to call it "Trad".

Then, we're going to order another pitcher. We'll ask Darlene to change the music.

Then, we're going to find a club.

Not too surprisingly, it'll be Suite 69. Yep. A good place with music from all genres and ages. Not just for 70's and 80's anymore, you are just as likely to hear "Du Hast" as you are to hear "Do the Hustle".

Then, we're going to dance. Not with each other, near each other. To something by Daft Punk. Like two peacocks fanning their feathers, but imagine that in a less drag-queen like comparison. More like... uh...

Two bulls showing off their nose rings.
Two Eagles comparing bald heads.
Two Rig Pigs comparing scars.

Then, we're going to order another pitcher. I will request "No Diggity" by Blackstreet. Because I'll be a little hammered.

I'll then order two shooters. I'll accidentally drink them both. I'll buy two more, and give them to you.

We're going to find you the sweetest, finest, most intelligent, music-savvy, soft-skinned and pouty-lipped woman there, and she's going to fall in love with you... Or she'll slap you. One or the other. We really won't care.

Because we'll be wasted.

Happy Birthday, D. Let's tear this town a new A.

Song of the Day: "No Diggity" by Blackstreet. Listen up here: www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Link of the Day: www.myspace.com/gallbrendan
Dedicated readers will figure out why this link is the link of the day. Go on, read about him.

Trip of the Tongue

2006-08-31T17:06:00.000-06:00

I just realized something today.

I've been saying something totally wrong without even thinking about it for as long as I can remember.

I caught myself saying, "Hindsight is 50/50..."

Yeah. That's not so right. Actually, that's totally wrong. But it brought me to my senses about thinking before saying things. Not overthinking, but just thinking a little.

Obey impulse. Just don't be stupid. Meditate on that sonofabitch for a bit.

And take another drag.

Scene.

And I thought Fifi was just a name for a Poodle...

2006-08-27T10:52:00.000-06:00

I went and saw "Stealing Venus".

I liked it.

It proved to me a few things I wasn't too sure of any more. My faith has been restored in my theory that an energetic performance can make for an engaging story. Sometimes, I worry that my own ideas for shows will fall flat because they involve too much chutzpah, pizzazz, and all-around rinky-tinkyness. I thought that energy might be a little old-fashioned.

This man did energy with charisma and loads of charm.

Most importantly, he told stories. True, the way he started his stories were a little base (You wanna know my story? My story?) but sometimes, that's okay.

I give it 3.5 Jazz Hands out of 5.

Then, I saw Montag, which proved to me the power of music. They kept using bizarre, distant soundclip music, trance-like in the way it repeated. It made simple stories seem abstract, and the story of lovers meeting seem ominous and dangerous. Cool.

I give it 4 Picassos out of 5. Renee drank a whole bottle of wine onstage in two swigs. I might have given it 5 had he spewed.

O Hi Yo Fringe, I spent a lot of money on you. With your Green Onion Cakes, Port Satay (which was un-satay-sfactory), Funky Pickle Pizza, Double lemon Chill, Chicken Bhoona, Scorpion Girl (how do I know her?), Balloon-swallowing man with a penis fixation, Deep fried Chocolate bars, and budding performers who either fall on their ass or rise to the top.

Amen.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRico!!

2006-08-24T16:56:00.000-06:00

A gentlemen has performed outside of the front of Artifacts Trading Company every Fringe for the past 5 years.

For most of us, it's felt like a few years more.

This year, he offers up an interesting mix of pan flute music, including his versions of:

- House of the Rising Sun
- Living La Vida Loca
- Amazing Grace
- Unchained Melody
- Let it Be
- Chiquitita
- Fernando (two ABBA songs! GOODY!!!)
- The Lion Sleeps Tonight

... and here comes the kickers!

- Lady in Red
- Hotel California
- Candle in the Wind

And many, many, many, many, many more.

Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.

Wait, did I say dead? I meant deaf. I stabbed my own ear drums out this morning.

Expectations that Grate

2006-08-23T12:04:00.002-06:00

For the last 4 years, my view of "acceptable" theatre has become a lot more... keen. Discerning, perceptive, whatever you call it.

All I'm saying is that I want certain things from a theatre experience now. I want a clear story. I want an intelligent or interesting narrative. I want good acting. GOOD ACTING!! I want a satisfactory ending. I want an original.

I will spare the identity of the actors and the plays that they are in at the Fringe that I didn't really enjoy. I have nothing against the people and their productions, because most folk will enjoy them and all the reviews for their work has been four stars and such.

However, when I see actors who just really aren't into their show (it's a comedy, waka waka! Nobody cares if we care, as long as we're funny! Hiyo!), a story that's ripped off from days of yore and made "banana phone" silly, endless references to "politics" (yes, we know George Dubya is destroying the planet, and that's hilarious and not overdone at all) and a mumbly, wandering, half-baked storytelling technique, it just makes me sad.

But love is in the air for the show I don't like, so this shall be the only, slightly cryptic, maybe not cryptic enough criticism of it that will be made.

But sometimes, even a bad story or an iffy overall production can be saved by sincerely zealous cast that takes their work seriously. Or at least it would allow me to walk out after a show thinking "that just didn't speak to me" instead of "that was uninspiring".

But why are you reading this? Shouldn't you be out Fringing?...

Uh, PS- Thanks for reading.

So Two Shawns walk into a Bar...

2006-08-21T11:21:00.000-06:00

And they have a little blogscussion about impro(v).

A little background: In June, I said the following...

"On an improv-related note, I read recently on an expert's improv blog that "most companies would never start their show with a 10-minute rookie round".

Well, I guess we're not like most companies... I don't really like the fact that he referred to the round as being the home of the "weakest" players, because I think we prove consistently that it can be the home of the most no-holds-barred, high-energy, something-else-that-can-be-separated-by-hyphens improv this side of the nuthouse."

I hope Shawn doesn't mind if I reprint his response from my June 8th post called "Dare to be the Same". I'm only doing it because I don't think anybody would see it otherwise, due to how long ago the post was made. Despite the age of the post, the comment is actually only from yesterday...

I'll just cut and paste so I don't change any of his words:

"Hey Shawn,Thanks for reading my notes about impro. I was just working with a couple of the guys from Rapid Fire while we were in Washington. Just wanted to leave a little response to your comments if I may,

Where I said "most companies would never start their show with a 10-minute rookie round". and you said that you aren't like most companies, GOOD FOR YOU! That's great to hear. MOST companies around the world that I've been to (maybe 20 or 30 by now) have this preoccupation with what they see as "SUCCESS". They think they must always make the audience laugh, that they must always weight the show with their 'quickest' and 'strongest' players BUT I think they are missing the point.

When Keith Johnstone was here at the Loose Moose and we were focused on theatresports, he always said how important it was for the feel of the show and the growth of the company to have the opening "10 minute game" of our weaker/rooky players. So Good on ya for embracing a healthier attitude than most companies.

NOW - I just have to comment as well on the terminology of "weaker" players. The term is probably not the best (Rooky is probably a better term)and it was humorous that you called it the "most no-holds-barred, high-energy, something-else-that-can-be-separated-by-hyphens improv."

There are great strengths to "NEWER" improvisers... ("Newbies, Green, beginning level, uh... young in the process improvisers) There is often a great fearlessness that senior performers admire and great passion. But... they are often 'weaker' generally or they probably would be holding down a bigger part of the show. I've seen BRILLIANT scenes done by rooky improvisers BUT the consistency isn't there yet and more often it is a weaker quality (Why aren't rooky players doing the entire show?.

I have my Weak days, you have your weak days BUT having good, consistent technique, presence and content makes us over-all stronger improvisers.

Musn't let the ego get in the way of our work. If we are weaker, so be it. It gives us somewhere to go.

In the early days, Keith and then artistic associate Dennis Cahill would create different levels of performers A - B - C and sometimes lower level performers.
Often the people who were publicly grouped as C or D players would cave in and leave the theatre with crushed egos BUT more often they would rise up and WORK WORK WORK until they could kick the ass of any 'A' player. It was a bad system and didn't last long but showed how we are affected by our 'ego' and how we HATE being categorized as "weaker" even if we were.

Strong, Weak... doesn't really matter. Just do the work to the best of your ability and trust that the artistic directors of theatre companies are doing their job and putting you into a spot in the show that supports your growth and most of all, the show itself.

All the best,
Shawn(probably will change the blog to reflect a better terminology)"
12:28 AM, August 20, 2006

I hope I didn't offend... and I'm flattered to hear from him. For the record, Shawn Kinley is a respected member of the theatre with loads of experience in mime, mask, and physical theatre. I wish him decades more of success.

Link of the Day: www.shawnkinley.com

It's time to Play the Music, It's Time to Light the Lights

2006-08-17T08:26:00.000-06:00

Alright, the FRINGE is HERE!!!. Go see this stuff.

SCRATCH (That's Arlen and Kevin, folks).
Stage 7 (Chianti Stage... confusing because it's at Royal Canadian Legion, Strathcona: 10416 - 81 Avenue... ah, sponsorship)
Tickets Everyone: $10.00 Advance Tickets:$14.00
Upcoming Shows:
Thursday, August 17, 8:00 pm
Saturday, August 19, 1:45 pm
Wednesday, August 23, 2:30 pm
Thursday, August 24, 12:00 pm
Friday, August 25, 11:30 pm
Saturday, August 26, 6:15 pm
Sunday, August 27, 8:15 pm

THEATRESPORTS
BYOV J (Which is the Iron Horse...8101 Gateway Blvd, that train-stationy building)
Tickets General: $10.00 RFT members (must show card): $8.00
Advance Tickets: $14.00
Upcoming Shows:
Friday, August 18, 7:15 pm
Sunday, August 20, 8:45 pm
Monday, August 21, 10:00 pm
Tuesday, August 22, 10:00 pm
Wednesday, August 23, 8:45 pm
Thursday, August 24, 7:00 pm
Friday, August 25, 7:00 pm
Saturday, August 26, 5:30 pm
Sunday, August 27, 7:00 pm

DIE-NASTY: The Legendary Live Improvised Soap Opera
Stage 8, the Coca-Cola Stage... You all know it better as The Varscona Theatre: 10329 -83 Avenue.
Tickets General: $10.00 Fringe Artists with Badges: $0
Advance Tickets:$14.00
Night of Friday, August 18, 12:15 am
Night of Saturday, August 19, 12:15 am
Night of Sunday, August 20, 12:15 am
Night of Monday, August 21, 12:15 am
Night of Tuesday, August 22, 12:15 am
Night of Wednesday, August 23, 12:15 am
Night of Thursday, August 24, 12:15 am
Night of Friday, August 25, 12:15 am
Night of Saturday, August 26, 12:15 am

MONTAG (do not miss, all the way from Austria! Jacob!)
Stage 13 (Not to be confused with the rock concert) (Brian Paisley Stage) Planet ZE Design Centre, 10055 - 80 Avenue
Tickets: $10.00 Students/Austrians: $8.00
Advance Tickets: $14.00
Upcoming Shows:
Thursday, August 17, 8:00 pm
Friday, August 18, 3:30 pm
Monday, August 21, 5:00 pm
Tuesday, August 22, 2:00 pm
Wednesday, August 23, 11:30 pm
Friday, August 25, 11:30 pm
Saturday, August 26, 7:30 pm

Saturday Morning Pajama Jam
BYOV J (Iron Horse: 8101 Gateway Blvd)
Tickets Everyone: $10.00
Advance Tickets: $14.00
Upcoming Shows:
Saturday, August 19, 5:30 pm
Monday, August 21, 8:45 pm
Tuesday, August 22, 7:00 pm
Wednesday, August 23, 10:15 pm
Thursday, August 24, 8:30 pm
Friday, August 25, 5:30 pm
Sunday, August 27, 5:45 pm

Sex, CRUMBS & Rock'n'Roll
BYOV J (Iron Horse: 8101 Gateway Blvd)
Tickets Regular: $10.00 Students: $8.00
Advance Tickets:$14.00
Upcoming Shows:
Friday, August 18, 5:30 pm
Saturday, August 19, 7:00 pm
Sunday, August 20, 7:00 pm
Monday, August 21, 7:00 pm
Tuesday, August 22, 8:15 pm
Wednesday, August 23, 7:00 pm
Thursday, August 24, 10:00 pm
Saturday, August 26, 7:00 pm
Sunday, August 27, 4:00 pm

Enjoy yerselves.

Song of the Day: "2nd Gun" by Volcano, I'm Still Excited!! Really, an interesting trio. Kind of like an American Hot Hot Heat, if you will. Listen: www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Link of the Day: http://www.fringetheatreadventures.ca/
You don't think I seriously handwrote all those schedules out? Heck no! Directly copied from the official site.

Playwright of the Day: Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
- plays attempted to force society to examine its own hypocrisy
- known for his witty, insightful, and sharp commentaries on upper-class British society
- work is similar to most Victorian farces and comedies (only better), melodramatic
- plays include "The Importance of Being Earnest", "Salomé", and "A Woman of No Importance".

Most of my wording is taken from the Bedford Introduction to Drama this time.

Spontaneity: In Doses

2006-08-15T21:14:00.000-06:00

In beginner improv, we seem to preach spontaneity.

But spontaneity can be dangerous. Let me explain.

So I'm standing in the bathroom. I'm looking at my chest in the mirror. I say to myself:

Damn. That's one long nipple hair.

Now I know nipple hair can't possibly be sexy. Especially wild, untamed nipple hair. I think to myself, I gotta cut this. That just doesn't look right. I look in the drawer for my electric razor. Oh yeah, I haven't unpacked that since the wedding I went to on Saturday... I'm getting a nasty pervo moustache from not shaving...

So anyway, I look for anything. Scissors, something that cuts. Anything!

And then I see the lighter.

Someone who's never done improv would not consider burning their nipple hair off instead of cutting it. I mean, that's quite possibly the stupidest idea I've ever had. But I had it. It was my idea.

Luckily, that little voice in the back of my head, you know, the one that says stuff like "Now now. Stop staring at that guy's hook hand" or "Whoa back, sonny. Don't you start a fight with that drag queen", that little voice kicked in. It said "Hey there, sport. Fire Bad."

Indeed.

PS-- Sorry to Arlen and Kevin. I totally didn't know you guys were going on "Hey Ma! I'm on Sonic!". I submitted the first Generalizer Sampler last week as a playlist, and Adam said "I'm on the pile", which I guess means the good pile, not the bad pile... I hope you don't think me the copy cat.

Why Shawn Hates Peaches

2006-08-10T09:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from a good friend of mine; Jeremy.

We met when a young, spritely me made his way up to Fort McMurray to explore Keyano College. They had come to my High School to brag about their awesome theatre, so I signed up for their "student for the day" program.

Up I went, with a "gee willikers" expression on my face and a Transformer backpack on my back... No wait, that was the first day of kindergarten...

Up I went, with a "holy shit" expression on my face and a Transformer backpack on my back. I arrived at the Purple Palace... You heard me. Purple Palace. That's what they call their student residence up there, and with good reason. There I met Jeremy. He was my "roommate for the day". Little did I know that situation would continue for a year.

To make a long story short, Jeremy introduced me to the wonderful world of dorm life, drinking, and hurting each other for sport (by they way, the Coulter Ankle Lock is when he attempts to separate my foot from my leg... ah, good times). Oh yeah, and with drinking came Peach Schnapps...

One night, 2 years after he and I had moved on to tackle our Acting careers (Jeremy has been paid to do theatre about 10 times more than me... I'll catch up), we decided to drink and play violent video games for 8 hours straight. Jeremy has a knack for making me think that I'm invincible when I'm with him, and he knows I have a competitive spirit, so I thought if I can't beat him at theatre, I can beat him at alcoholism!

So there I was, with a full bottle of fruit brandy and manliness to prove.

I drank that sucker. I kicked it's ass within 2 hours.

And then, it kicked my ass for 18 hours.

Peach only tastes good going down, and ruins your desire for it for life if you ever get sick from it. I remember mixing it with some Butterscotch Schnapps to soften the blow. That's where drunk logic gets you.

Oh Jeremy, I know it wasn't just you that made me hate Peaches. It was also those coolers I drank at dorm parties, you know, those 2-litre plastic bottles that look ever-so-classy. And it was partially the performing artist/"musician" Peaches, who (sorry Peaches fans) has a knack for being untalented and filthy. Or it could be my hamster from Elementary school named Peaches, who died horribly of some sort of bowel disease.

It's not your fault, Jeremy. My hatred of Peaches is a rich tapestry.

Getting Over Being Right... And not Wanting to Be

2006-08-08T09:15:00.000-06:00

I wouldn't turn my head back towards the screen when they brought the Stanley Cup out.

I know, old news.

I know, I'm gouging away at wounds that probably healed for most Oiler fans. But there was a reason why I stopped watching the game.

I knew we were losing all of our recent influx of talent.

I told my friends, with Hemsky, Horcoff, and Stoll all doing so well, they would be rewarded big contracts. How would we afford Samsonov, Pronger, and Peca with our top line probably making in the range of $9 million amongst themselves?

Of course, we could not... Didn't expect to lose Spacek though... and was a little surprised that we signed Roloson. I didn't figure we had the money.

I didn't want to be right. Trust me.

Song of the Day: "Pretty Life" by The Heavenly States. Click the following link for some ear candy (no, not that pez you stuffed in there, music!).... www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Link of the Day: http://www.cooldudesandhotbabes.com/outbackjack.html The REAL Outback Jack, just like I remembered him... sigh...

Playwright of the Day: Tennessee Williams (1911-1983)
- explores the intense passions and frustrations of a disturbed and frequently brutal society.
- noted for his scenes of high dramatic tension and for his lyrical dialogue.
- perhaps most successful in his portraits of the "hypersensitive and lonely" Southern woman.
- plays include "The Glass Menagerie", "A Streetcar Named Desire", and "The Rose Tattoo".

The Crumbling of Social Walls

2006-08-07T11:24:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I feel like the David Suzuki of the Urban Jungle.

I've been fascinated by people since I was very young. The way they move, look, and interact. I divided them into social classes; some might call these "cliques". I always make sure I know where I fit among these misunderstood creatures.

But now, the world has changed.

It all started to occur to me when I went into the local Scottish Cuisine Foodatorium, or McDonald's, as the natives call it. I noticed an intriguing member of the species that I immmediately began to classify.

Lanky.

Dressed in Bohemian plain shirt and skirt combo; Shirt beige, skirt black.

Wearing slipper-type shoes with flower accent; purely for fashion's sake. I wouldn't want to be wearing such footwear if I was walking around on Whyte Avenue... 1/8 of a millimeter of foam between me and that sidewalk?

Lisa Loebesque Glasses.

I placed this subject into the following category: "Geekus Chicus". The nerd with flair. The girl who reads books and can engage in serious conversations about both Dungeons and Dragons and Tom Waits. A girl who listens to the University radio station. A girl who has an apartment nearby with her platonic male friend.

Geekus Chicus.

But what's this? I hear a conversation she's having with her friends. And it goes a little something like this; Hit it:

"So they're going to meet us at the f*ckin' Thirsty Turtle. F*ck. Remember those f*ckin clowns on swings I used to have? F*ckin' Miranda has the same f*ckin' ones, and she has f*ckin' marionettes hanging from her f*ckin' ceiling. F*ck! I can't sleep in that f*ckin' room! Clowns creep the f*ckin' sh*t out of me!! Holy f*ck!"

Oh snap. My classification and categorization was completely off.

The times, they have changed. Battle lines are blurred in the new social circles and behaviour typical of one social circle have bled into many others. Is Geekus Chicus becoming just another Snobbus Popularis? Or has Snobbus Popularis changed it's appearance so drastically, it makes it impossible to tell one from the other?

Fascinating.

Maestro, Please Kill Me... Putu-may-out of my Misery.

2006-08-02T09:29:00.000-06:00

So, most of you have figured out by now I love music.

But there's one CD that's got to go. Either it goes, or I go. Seriously.

At work (Artifacts Trading Co), we're having a massive sale of sorts. During this time, the owners of the store get mighty picky about what music is appropriate. You know, we don't want the customers moshing or raising da proverbial roof.

So it has come to pass that a compilation by the good folks at "Putumayo" (the world music company) called "Asian Groove" is practically the only CD we play at work now.

This was absolutely fine for the first little while. Hell, one of the tracks is remixed by Dan the Automator of Gorillaz fame. But here's the problem.

Once a day, okay, fine.

Twice a day, aha. Okay.

Three times a day? Hrumph.

Four times a day? Blarg!

Five times a day? HOOOWWWWLLLL!!

Six times a day?... SHAWN DESTROY!! CRUSH!! MAIM!! KILL!!! MRAAAAGH! EEEEEARG! BLOOOOOAAAASSHIAGOO!!!! EEEEEEeeeee... feeling weak... all Shawn's power draining from body... oooo...

Fin.

Song of the Day? Link of the Day? Playwright of the Day? I'll work that shizzle out later.

All I can think about right now is what type of screwdriver I'm going to use to shatter the laser on the CD player.

And then, Fridays were quiet...

2006-07-29T21:43:00.000-06:00

But not for long.

That's right, improvaniacs. You'll have to wait a whole month before you see the exciting circus monkeys you call Rapid Fire Theatre. We're taking a break.

We'll all be sitting in lounge chairs, sipping hairsprayesque Martinis, wearing venetian-blind-style sunglasses, Hawaiian shirts, and shorts with drawstrings.

No, wait...

We'll all be hard at work, preparing for the Fringe, performing in the Fringe, and continuing our friddly-free workshops on Sundays.

But I'll still wear the aforementioned outfit.

Song of the Day: "The Kids are Alright" by Matthew Sweet and Susanna Hoffs. Yep, he's old, he's not hip... and I love him to pieces. Cover the Who, ya spooky Ming Tea member... And Susanna is hip I'm sure. But the Sweetster? He's just my guilty pleasure. Listen to the chap, click the following gibberish: www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Link of the Day: www.myspace.com/willpreville Edmonton's answer to the laid-back guitar stummin' scene. Rock on, Will.

Playwright of the Day: Shawn Pallier (1979-20??)
- Wrote a one-act play for 1996 Edmonton One-Act festival entitled "Climbing the Edifice" (he broke out his thesaurus for that one)
- Published in "Rebel Runes", Jasper Place High School's collection of writers that same year
- Style is muddled, but mostly blunt and never uses words that exceed 5 letters
- early works filled with teenage angst and stained with Coca-Cola & Dorito dust
- Collection of unfinished works exceeded 1000 in 2004
- Always knows what the soundtrack of his plays well in advance
- enjoys playing with lighting boards and sound systems

Guess What I Lost Today?

2006-07-27T22:10:00.000-06:00

No, not that. That I lost in College.

When I started the day, my boss was already at work. He kept the whip out, cracked it all day, and I have the open wounds on my back to prove it.

When I got home, the lawn wasn't going to mow itself. Yeah, I have a lawn. No, I don't live with my parents. Yes, I am in poverty.

Around 10 pm, I decided to have a shower. You know, get the grass out and the "Red Zone" in. And that's when I noticed something missing.

When I went to wash it, it wasn't there.

I had worked my ass off.

I hope that I can sit on the couch and eat pork rinds and drink beer until I get it back.

Song of the Day: "Free Salute" by Little Barrie. I wish all music was this fresh. You must, must, must listen to it: clickity myspace: www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Link of the Day: http://www.getinsulted.com/

Playwright of the Day: Anton Chekhov (1860-1904)
- mastered the use of understatement, anticlimax, and implied emotion.
- closely identified with Stanislavski (that dude who focused on creating realistic characters through "affective memory"; you know, thinking about someone in your life that died to make you cry, and so on and so forth)
- main plays are "Uncle Vanya", "Cherry Orchard", "Seagull", and "Three Sisters".
- avoided stereotyping and instructive political messages in favor of cool comic irony.
- used a delicate fabric of hints, subtle nuances in dialogs, and precise details.
All that fancy wording was stolen directly from Wikipedia and IMDB... They say it better than I ever could (see my description of Stanislavski).

Buck Rogers is rolling in his Space Capsule...

2006-07-24T09:21:00.000-06:00

So I'm watching the Bugs Bunny and Tweety show this morning... they show one of the late 60's/early 70's Warner Brothers shorts, and for those of us who are Looney Tunes connoiseurs, you know that those particular shorts were terrible. But I got to thinking, just what made them so terrible?

The "Looney Tune" we will examine is the "Duck Dodgers of the 24 & 1/2 Century Episode 2". You know, the one where they crash into a giant egg and discover Marvin the Martian inside (we'll discuss in a moment why that sucks). First off, the mission of "Duck Dodgers" (Daffy Duck) and his Space Cadet (Porky Pig) is to "save trillions of universes from the rack-and-pinion shortage; you know, that stuff you use to polish Yo-Yos with, the voiceover cleverly explains.

Har-dee-har-har.

First off, the average person (and child) know that rack-and-pinion has nothing to do with polishing anything. So right off the bat, the premise is stupid. Just saying dumbass things doesn't make you funny.

So our heroes are off to solve the rack-and-pinion shortage. It appears as if the planet that has the only remaining supply is a giant, egg-shaped one. Duck Dodgers denies that it even looks like an egg, until they crash into it and it cracks, and they discover Marvin the Martian and one of his wacky machines inside.

Har-dee-Har-Har.

At this point, we totally drop the story in favour of the "hilarious" interactions between Marvin and Duck Dodgers. Marvin mentions a "current event" (fuel shortage) and his solution. To solve Earth's fuel shortage problem, he'll blow up Earth. The short gets way way f'n worse at this point.

Duck Dodgers doesn't care that the world is going to get blown up. Oh yeah, and the all-important Yo Yo polish? Never mentioned again.

Out of nowhere, Marvin says "I would like you to meet my friend, Gossamer." Based on this incredibly "sexy" name, Duck Dodgers is immediately smitten with the character, who he assumes is a "space babe from one of those Sci Fi magazines".

Har-dee-fuckin-har-har.

For those of us who already know, Gossamer is a hairy monster in tennish shoes that stands about 15 feet tall. Duck Dodgers inevitably is chased by Gossamer, and Space Cadet saves the day by shaving Gossamer, who was nothing but fur and shoes anyway, he proudly states.

What the fuh? End of Cartoon?

Yep. Ya heard me. Off to solve the universe's Yo-Yo polish problem, A space Hero and his assistant run into Marvin the Martian who is about to blow up the earth. Nobody cares, so we have a side-splitting chase scene with Gossamer that ends with Gossamer being shaved into oblivion, and our heroes...uh...

I hope to god that it was some sort of time edit, and nobody would think that a story like that was worth dragging aging cartoonists out of their storage lockers.

Luckily, that short was quickly followed by a classic, 1950's "Pepe le Peu" short. Now this was a perfect example of a short story.

We open on a man painting a country road in France. He strolls casually, humming "Dinah Blow Votre Horn" (hee hee). Suddenly, a cat being chased by a dog streak around the corner. The Cat squeezes under the road-painting device, giving it a white stripe down it's back. The Dog careens into the man, spilling paint everywhere, and the cat gets away in the chaos.

We switch to Pepe le Peu, who has arrived at a nearby port as a stowaway on a boat. Pepe spots the cat running down the country road, looking very much like a skunk indeed, what with the white stripe and all. A truly hilarious sequence of chases ensues, and the cartoon reaches the conclusion of Pepe persuing love to the very last moment.

And scene.

You see, the problem with the "Duck Dodgers" story is that the writers, animators, sound people... ah hell, everyone involved was trying to re-live the 50's heyday when the Looney Tune shorts were brilliant. They were grasping at past successful characters, groping at too many plot lines, and forgetting how simplicity can, and almost always is, the secret.

Duck Dodgers: At least 3 plot lines. Pepe le Peu: Just the one.

Now, if we have all the time in the world, like at P-jam (1 and 1/2 hours to figure out several plotlines), I don't see any problem in spinning our yarns and getting them all tangled so we have something to unravel and conclude in the end.

But when you've got 5 minutes, that's not a lot of time to begin, middle and end. Hippies weren't the only thing that stunk in the 60's/70's; the cartoons were enough to break a funk-o-meter.

Song of the Day: "Maibelline" by The Head Set. It takes guts to name your song the same name as one of the most legendary Chuck Berry tunes of all time, and then make it look like you misspelled it, and then have it turn out to be an original, enjoyable song. Neat. Listen to it here: www.myspace.com/ladylovinlynx

Link of the Day: http://myspace.com/mybrucebruce The comedian of the day, acccording to Myspace.

Playwright of the Day: Henrik Ibsen (1828-1906)
- This guy is given a lot of credit as being the "father of modern drama"
- Realistic Theatre was his game (a likeness to life, it is the perfect type of theatre to explore relationships)
This is how Wikipedia describes a Realistic Theatre play:
-Always credulous, nothing to test believability in audience
-Audience is never acknowledged
-Dialogue only, no asides, soliloquys or monologues (except when addressed to another onstage character)
-An individual represents a societal problem
-Fourth wall removed convention is strictly followed
-A linear plot with no sub-plots